Wednesday, December 13, 2006

2006 WPBT Winter Classic Trip Report Part 2: The Corruption of Garthmeister J.

When we left our intrepid hero, he had succumbed to a night of drinking, Pai Gow, and Blackjack, cunningly missing out on the Blogger Poker Tournament. But would he miss out on the PokerTek function?

  • Saturday, 9:08pm: I make it to the PokerTek function. I willingly sign the image waiver, figuring that someone walking around with "AUSTRALIA" emblazoned on their t-shirt is no doubt marketing gold.
  • Saturday, 9:09pm: I have my first Corona.
  • I watch in awe as Pablo dispatches four successive opponents heads up. I catch his eye after he accepts his latest opponent's fictional $20 sidebet. He lighty kisses the note and says "I'm so glad I came out tonight."
  • Amongst the many people reminding me that I missed the tournament is SoxLover, who tells me that he contributes going deep into the tournament on my absence, which ensured I didn't bust him. Interestingly it appears he got 88 in against 99 again this time, but won a side-pot with a four-flush.
  • I play my first SnG with the PokerTek tables. The software is obviously broken, as I do not win. I do, however, enjoy the touchscreen magic which you use to view your cards. Very cool.
  • Saturday, let's say 10:30'ish: Enter the Speaker.
  • Joe and I take seats for another SnG, Speaker sitting down with position on me. I feel good as historically things have gone well when I have Joe at the table in this position. History repeats as I end up heads up with Iggy. We agree to a partial chop, but once again the poker software fails me, and I lose.
  • Saturday 11pm'ish: Weak Player and I hit the IP floor for some -EV goodness. We settle on Pai Gow, because Pai Gow is awesome. I bust out the Disco Glasses, because (as everyone should know) Pai Gow dealers can sense fear.
  • Weak and I play for a while, with Weak repeatedly trying to get me to play Craps. Weak is not the only friend of mine to try and get me to play Craps, and I had long avoided it due to a belief that it would get into my blood.
  • Weak finally has enough of my craps-rejection, and leaves. I am joined by the Princess and Tommy, amongst others. Tommy is sporting these red-lensed glasses that he isn't wearing at the table. He starts doing it once I clue him into the whole "Pai Gow" fear thing. The problem is he keeps leaving them on the top of his head, leading to a succession of "Glasses Down!" screams.
  • At some point I determine that we need to employ the Scientific Method with my Pai Gow theory. I play one hand without wearing my glasses, and win the Bonus. I decide that the Scientific Method must be flawed.
  • We also enjoy the stylings of the most awesome Pit Boss in the Universe, Elaine. She has been hanging around our table for some time, and in one fell swoop wins our eternal admiration when she saves a mucked hand and points out it has a flush. She backs that up with ruling that a misdealt hand will still pay off a bonus, which works for at least one of our crew. Everyone at the table now has a crush on Elaine.
  • Sometime during this period: I change from Coronas to Captain and Cokes. The lovely Becky, sitting in the 1-seat (and also a non-blogger), switches to the Good Captain as well. Becky tells us that she busted in poker, but her husband is still in there. Eventually Becky's husband turns up, and we are disgusted to discover he seems like a really nice guy.
  • The beginning of "The Shoop Shoop Song" comes over the PA. I turn my head to the right to see if a Dealertainer is onstage as Cher, as this song seems a clear candidate for such a treatment. No Dealertainer is strutting their stuff, so I do my part, singing the whole song, along with actions. I think this may have actually scarred Tommy for life.
  • Tommy eventually leaves us, in minor disbelief that he has "dropped three bills playing Pai Gow". We are joined by F-Train and Dawn, both who insist on not playing their bonuses. So Maigrey and I do it for them.
  • These have been written elsewhere, but I am recording them as well, dammit!
  1. "A Push is as good as a Win!"
  2. "A Push buys you drinking time!"
  3. "Bonus money is the sweeeeeeeeeeeeeetest money!"
  4. "Push-Gow!"
  5. "Win-Gow!"
  6. "Gow-pai!"
  7. "That's a Premature Pai-Gow."
  8. "I have a Garth hand." (a hand where you have four to a flush or a straight, perhaps both. also where you may have a hand all one colour, but no flush. God I hate that hand. I mean, you look down, it's all red, you're thinking "Sweet, I totally have a flush." But then you look closer through your alcohol-haze and see that you don't. Stupid Garth hands.)
  • Partially reconstructed set of events: I eventually decide that I want to head to the bar and chat to people. I find a bunch of deviants holding court, including the Bracelet, Speaker, and Speaker's friend Dacia. I chat for a while (of indeterminate period), when the Princess arrives. She instantly convinces Joe and myself to join them at the craps table. I tell them that I'll just watch.
  • At the craps table Maigrey keeps trying to get me on the rail, as that means I have to play, but I keep refusing. Dacia and the Princess outsmart me (look surprised when you read that, K? Thanks) and block me into position. Sensing my fate, I throw out a Benjamin, and the damage has been done.
  • For the next bunch of time: I have an awesome amount of fun. I almost make Dacia snort Greyhound out her nose. I begin subverting all the rules regarding addressing the shooter, while trying to listen to what the Princess is trying to teach me. Through all this I begin dimly coming together with a craps strategy... either that or the Captain and Cokes are really kicking in. Maybe both.
  • Speaker and Dacia eventually leave. That seems way too sensible to me. I am in for the long haul. StB, Mike, and the Bracelet are still with Maigrey and myself.
  • My end of the Craps table starts advocating "Team America". As I am in full "AUSTRALIA" t-shirt regalia, I regard this is as totally uncool. Seeing the writing on the wall, I ask if I can be absorbed into Team America. I am disappointed.
  • I start talking to this cute girl at our end of the craps table. Let's call her "Anna" or "Donna". Despite Anna/Donna having her boyfriend standing right next to her, the Princess is convinced that Anna/Donna wants to do me, and posits the theory that the boyfriend might be interested in a threesome.
  • Sorry to disappoint. No threesome.
  • As a fellow Chelsea-supporter, it was my full intention to join Al in watching the Gay European Football. I determine that I will continue playing until it is almost kick-off time (around 8am), getting in contact with Al and going from there.
  • Sunday 7:30am: No one is answering my calls. I figure this means that the Gay European Football watching is a non-starter. I drown my sorrows with another Captain and hope my roll is coming soon.
  • Sunday 9ish: Saint Kat arrives, and offers to buy us Starbucks coffees. She takes our orders, and returns with fresh caffeine-y goodness, so we don't have to leave the craps table. God bless that woman.
  • Sunday 9:36am: I receive a call from someone (turns out it was Stb - I missed it at the time but looked it up on the phone list) informing me that people are going to be congregating at the IP Theatre for American Football watching action. I determine that sounds like a plan. I finally leave the craps table, and head to the theatre.
  • Sunday, after kick-off in the first game: I find Drizz and Mrs. Drizz in the Theatre, along with some other bloggers, and we watch for a little before a decision is made to reposition further up for a better view of other games. Shortly thereafter the group all seems to independently decide to head to the sports book. A whole bunch of bloggers are there.
  • I discover I don't have enough attention to focus on the games, though I talk with BG, Daddy, Pauly, and numerous others on the premises.
  • I belly up to the bar and have some shots with Al. I think I switch back to Coronas here. I think.
  • I really start losing track of chronology here: I think I recognise the Bracelet walk in on the other side of the bar. Moments after I shout "Bobby Bracelet!", Al informs me that that is indeed not the Bracelet. I am reminded that I am hammered.
  • I start demanding that people listen to my iPod. Instead of telling me to fuck off, people actually do, at least for a little while.
  • Dacia and Speaker rock up again. They order Bloody Marys, and I instantly realise that those might be a good idea. After assuring me that they are tasty, I start mowing through those instead.
  • I start drinking the shots Al is buying that are refused by the recipient.
  • Time since I have last eaten: We're going on over 24 hours here, people.
  • OK, I am not sure what the catalyst for this was, but I head back to the craps table. All times after this are completely arbitrary. I think I switch back to Captain and Coke.
  • Veneno accompanies us, and is making all kinds of weird horn bets. She is totally in her element. I can only look on drunkenly, make my bets, and ROLL.
  • Eventually I realise it is a good thing I am wearing my Disco glasses, as no one can tell that every so often I feel the need to rest my eyes for a moment behind them.
  • Some indeterminate amount of time later: We decide to cool it on craps, and head to a blackjack table. The blackjack table has some weird rules regarding how you ask for cards etc.
  • I completely fail to learn the rules. This has to annoy the hell out of April, Maigrey, Pablo and Gracie, who try and help me in vain.
  • I feel April up (twice). Since I currently do not have a black eye or any facial injuries, she didn't hit me (or at least, hit me hard), which is lucky.
  • I actually start passing out behind my glasses. I catch myself, and announce that I have to go to my room.
  • I have no idea what time this happens: I pass out in my room.
Bonus Teaser for Part 3: What will our intrepid hero do after regaining consciousness at 7am on Monday morning?


  • Let's get going on the group Paigow blog!

    By Blogger Dawn, at 5:38 PM  

  • Amazing.

    So far my favorite part: "Eventually I realise it is a good thing I am wearing my Disco glasses, as no one can tell that every so often I feel the need to rest my eyes for a moment behind them."

    Fucking gold, Garth. When's the next one. I'm showing up regardless of if I'm invited.

    By Blogger JL514, at 5:53 PM  

  • G, you are too too funny, lol. And I've been called a lot of things in my life, but never a saint *grin.

    By Blogger katitude, at 9:26 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home