Garthmeister J.'s Disco Finery

Top Chef DC Recap 13: Island Party

2010-09-15T11:22:00.002-05:00

We're just one show away from the finale! The conventional wisdom is that heading to Singapore for the Final Four means Angelo has an advantage, but we'll see how that pans out.

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Quickfire Challenge

Our four remaining chefs gather at a Singapore food market, and pretend to be glad to see each other. Tom shows up with "Seetoh", an expert on Singaporean cuisine, who takes all the chefs on a tour of the market. After touring and sampling from a number of stalls there is "one final stop" and... surprise! It's Padma, with a challenge: create a Singaporean Street Food dish. The chefs are each given a wok, and a wide selection of ingredients that are labelled, but in Cantonese. The kicker? Winner gets immunity, and goes straight to the finals.

Quickfire Losers

Kevin (Saunter, -0.5): This is Kevin's first time cooking with a wok. First. Ever. Even when he knew he was coming to Singapore. Mouth. Agape. Short. Sentences. For all those out there who haven't yet cooked with a wok, you are missing out, much like Kevin did in his attempt to win this challenge. He created a seafood stew with lobster and cuttlefish and crispy shallots, which didn't seem to be terrible, but wasn't good enough either.

Kelly (Garthmeister J., -0.5): Kelly seemed to have done more preparation than Kelly, and had even read Seetoh's book. She also tried to incorporate things she had learned during the day in her Chinese noodles with lobster, cockles, bean sprouts and Chinese broccoli. Unfortunately, no go for Kelly, who hasn't been picking up many points recently.

Angelo (All-Star, -0.5): Our first surprise, self-avowed wok expert Angelo did not win. He prepared chili frog legs with pineapple and rambutan salad, after calling an audible and not going with chili crabs (a dish they had been served earlier at the market). He probably made a good choice not trying to replicate a dish he was just served (as I am sure that he would in all likelihood suffer in the comparison), but he still wasn't not good enough to win. That's gonna leave a mark.

Quickfire Winner

Ed (Daddy, +3): Ed has been loud and clear that he wanted to stick it to Angelo, and he did here with his stir-fry noodles with black pepper sauce, lobster, and gai-lan. He used two types of noodles, and Seetoh seems to think he really captured the essence of street food. I do have to say that Seetoh seemed to compliment everyone, so it isn't as clear if Ed just stomped everyone or if everyone did well and Ed was just better, though I guess it doesn't matter in the end. Ed is through to the finale!

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Elimination Challenge

Dana Corwin must not have been happy with the amount of face-time she got during the "wine pairing" Quickfire, so she's back for the Elimination Challenge. The chefs are (once again) meant to be working as a team, catering a party for her and eighty of her closest friends. I still don't get the whole "working as a team" thing, to be honest. Is this so they all don't cook the same thing? Don't get it at all. Anyhow, all dishes are to be cooked a la minute, that is each dish is meant to be prepared to order. Given this last caveat, the chefs only want to cook one dish each, though Ed the sneaky sneak goes ahead and prepares for two, just in case (even though he has immunity!). And what happens at the last minute? Surprise! They have to prepare two dishes each. Good luck scrambling, non-Ed-chefs!

BTW - this was the worst party ever. It looked like a random bunch of people in a crappy looking restaurant. Dana Corwin is definitely not making the short list of party organizers for the next shindig at Chez Garthmeister.

Elimination Winner

Ed (Daddy, +6): Some might say that Ed had a distinct advantage, since he planned for two dishes from the get go. Still others might say is that's the case he is duly rewarded for his forethought. And the rest might go "Shut the fuck up, retards! Ed obviously CRUSHED the competition, and justice was served!" Ed also stood up and helped organised the (shitty) wait staff, as well as helping out Kevin in a pinch. His first dish was sweet and sour pork with crispy rice and potato cakes and gai lan, which got rave reviews from everyone. But then he knocked it out of the park with his banana fritters with red chile paste, which everyone freaks out about. Amusingly, this fritters was the "second" dish, so he has to be glad the judges wanted two dishes. Ed does seem to have a dab hand with fritters, as this reminds me of the dish he made to win the Elimination Challenge at the ball park.

Elimination Losers

Angelo (All-Star, -1): Angelo has to be super-pissed. Not only did he not win the quick-fire, but he wasn't able to win the Elimination Challenge, even when Ed had Immunity already! His first dish was his "emergency dish": spicy shrimp broth with ginger and prawn dumplings. His second dish was lamb tartare with rambutan ceviche and curry oil. A lamb tartare is unusual, and even though some of the judges (hi Dana!) admitted to not caring for tartare, they enjoyed this one. So despite not taking the challenge down, Angelo is alive to fight another day.

Kevin (Saunter, -1): It was a bit of a surprise to see Kevin make it through, especially when we discovered he had never used a wok before, but there you go. Kevin's first dish was clam chowder with flavors of Southeast Asia, which seems a neat way to meld his home cuisine with that of Singapore. It also didn't seem to be stated, but I thought this might be his "emergency dish". His second dish is more ambitious: farm egg with pearl tapioca and radish condiment. For this dish if the eggs aren't prepared exactly correctly, the whole thing is ruined, but Kevin managed to get it on point. And now has a chance in the finale!

Eliminated

Kelly (Garthmeister J, -1): BOOM! There goes Garthmeisters J's chances of taking back-to-back Fantasy Top Chef titles. Kelly did OK, despite cutting her finger open during prep, but her dishes weren't strong enough to see her through to the finale. Her first dish was her "emergency dish": cucumber-yogurt soup with bitter melon salad, balancing coolness with some heat. Her second dish was seared prawns, spicy red coconut curry and crispy prawn heads, which was probably not spicy enough (and which she admits to pulling the spice a little). Two decent dishes, but decent didn't cut it this time around.

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Points Table

Daddy: 43.5 (+9)
Saunter: 38 (-1.5)
Garth: 17.5 (-1.5, +10 for 4th, ELIMINATED)
All-Star: 14.5 (-1.5)
Gracie: 10.5 (ELIMINATED)

And here we are, down to the final three chefs, and the final three Fantasy Top Chef Players. Thanks to Ed, Daddy has made a late push. But now it comes down to the finale. For the time being we'll ignore any possible quickfires (I can't remember if there is one in the finale!). The final challenge doesn't get "bonus points" for winning it (ie. winning chef does not get 6 points as they do during an Elimination Challenge).

Overall winner gets 50 points, 2nd gets 35, 3rd gets 20. If there isn't a clear demarcation between 2nd and 3rd, the chefs are awarded equal points (ie. 27.5 points).

IF Ed wins, Daddy takes the competition.
IF Kevin wins, Saunter wins the competition.
IF Angelo wins, it all comes down to who comes second. In a "tie" between second and third, Daddy wins, with Saunter coming second. If Ed comes second, Daddy wins, with All-Star taking the consolation; if Kevin takes second, Saunter wins, with All-Star taking the consolation.

If there is a quickfire that might throw a spanner in the works, but I'll try and work it all out as we go. Onward!

Top Chef DC Recap 12: Buzz Kill

2010-09-08T19:29:00.002-05:00

We are one elimination away from the final four, who will be on their way to: Singapore! Any of the final five chefs could legitimately take down the competition, so this last preliminary week has pretty high stakes.

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Quickfire Challenge

This time the guest judge is Dana Cowin, editor of Food and Wine magazine. The challenge is to select a wine and then make a food pairing, a reasonable enough challenge. Angelo claims to be totally "passionate" about wine, but that's normal Angelo noise. Kelly's husband is the sommelier in her restaurant, and professes to do pairings all the time. Tiffany, interestingly, claims that pairings are not her strong suit. The rewards for this challenge? A trip to London! Nice!

Quickfire Losers

Kevin (Saunter, -0.5): Kevin made a boo-boo, trying to produce braised pork in an hour. When this failed miserably he fell back to trying quail, knowing it wasn't going to stand up to his Tangley Oaks Merlot. And despite apparently cooking the quail perfectly, he was correct in his fears. Solid recovery, but still not good enough to avoid being one of the losers.

Kelly (Garthmeister J., -0.5): I'm not going to like, when Kelly said she was making wild boar tenderloin with a blue cheese emulsion, I immediately began salivating. Unfortunately Dana did not like the emulsion, and that was that. I still want to try some, along with the Federalist Dry Creek zinfandel the boar was paired with.

Quickfire Finalist

Tiffany (Saunter, +1): Despite claiming not to be awesome at pairings, Tiffany does well with her cocoa-and-black-pepper-crusted Wagyu tenderloin with spring risotto, paired with Two Hands Shiraz. She also beat out Ed and his Wagyu dish, so good on her.

Quickfire Winner

Angelo (All-Star, +3): Mr Passionate wins the challenge, and wins a free trip to see his mail-order bride in London. Angelo seemed bang-on with his thoughts about pairing foie gras with his Evolution white wine, allowing him to get back onto the podium. All-Star certainly hopes this is a sign of things to come.

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Elimination Challenge

So, after creating wine pairings, what is the logical next step? Going to NASA, that's what! The chefs are told that they are also going to be able to cook for Buzz Aldrin, which is pretty awesome. Just one tip, chefs: don't tell Buzz that the Moon Landing was a hoax.

The chefs get to Goddard Space Command, and get to chat to two astronauts currently on the International Space Station, who talk about the food they get. Their challenge? Make a dish to tantalise the astronauts, and the winning dish will actually get made to be sent into space. They are given three tips: don't use too much sugar, don't use large pieces, and don't be afraid of spices.

For the judging, all of a sudden Anthony Bourdain is there. First thought: what? Second thought: yay! Bourdain rules, end of story.

Elimination Winner

Angelo (All-Star, +6): He's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Angelo adds to the list of chefs who have won both challenges in the same episode, and goes into the final four with plenty of momentum. When Angelo first mentioned that he was making braised short ribs, my first thoughts were "too sweet, too large". As it turns out, everyone seemed to make large items, and the sweetness seemed OK. Angelo did start on some douchetastic bullshit that Anthony Bourdain instantly shut down, but his food did all the talking required.

Elimination Losers

Kevin (Saunter, -1): While the other chefs went exotic, Kevin stayed at home, producing a New York strip with bacon-jalapeno marmalade and corn puree with crispy Vidalia onions. His thought was that astronauts would like a slice of home, but come on: who wouldn't want steak with bacon-jalapeno marmalade?! Bourdain seemed to poo-poo the idea of steak, but hey, if it's good it's good. It just wasn't good enough to win.

Kelly (Garthmeister J., -1): Another negative for Kelly. Once again she just seemed to be in the middle with her dish, pan-roasted halibut with artichoke and fennel barigoule and a salsa verde salad. Ripert digs the artichokes, especially since she admitted learning the technique in Provence. Unfortunately the other judges didn't think that her dish was original enough.

Ed (Daddy, -1): I was impressed with Ed going all-out Moroccan with his yogurt-marinated rack of lamb with eggplant puree and couscous croquette with hummus. Ripert didn't seem to like the dish, but Ripert seems like more of a pansy each week. Bourdain thought the dish was dead-on, but Ripert's concerns might have been enough to cost him the win.

Eliminated

Tiffany (Saunter, -1): Just... wow. Prior to this episode, Tiffany would probably have been my favourite to take down the title. It wasn't as if she made a poor dish, but her dish was just fifth-best. She made pan-seared Alaskan halibut with coconut curry, snow pea shoots, and jasmine rice. The dish was meant to come with mussels, but unfortunately they froze, which might have been enough to send her home. Just a shame; I was looking forward to seeing her cook until the end.

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Points Table

Saunter: 38 (-1.5)
Daddy: 33.5 (-1)
All-Star: 25 (+9)
Gracie: 10.5 (ELIMINATED)
Garth: 9 (-1.5)

Wow. With Saunter losing Tiffany, and Angelo coming up big for All-Star, this competition just became wide open. Garth is going to need Kelly to run the table, but it's extremely possible right now that the eventual winner of this competition is going to be whoever owns the Top Chef. It's going to be exciting right to the end. Who has the edge? Probably All-Star; despite being third right now it looks like Angelo has his mojo back, and Singapore has to be in his wheelhouse.

Top Chef DC 11: There's No Raw Fish in Baseball

2010-09-01T11:40:00.003-05:00

You know, I'm torn on not having Alex the Videographer around any more. While he never had a chance on winning, it was somewhat amusing to have him around to say outlandish things and to fail repeatedly. On the other hand, he was a giant tool. So, it's probably a wash. And we still have plenty of tools left (hi Angelo!).

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Quickfire Challenge

Our guest chef is Rick Moonen, famous for fish, but instead of anything to do with that the Producers once again demonstrate that they are running out of ideas. This challenge is to have to choose an "idiom" to cook with; you know, "the big cheese" or "sour grapes" etc. This was clearly thought up two seconds before they started filming. They may as well have just gone "here's a bunch of food items, draw knives and choose which one you want to cook with", which is exactly what happened anyway. Seriously, wtf? Anyhow, the winner will get their dish added to "Schwan's frozen food range", which is something I don't know anything about.

Quickfire Losers

Kelly (Garthmeister J., -0.5): Kelly selected "sour grapes", and that's what she ended up with, as her pan-roasted chicken breast, caramelized Brussels sprouts leaves and red grape sauce did not impress. Lagging at the back of the pack, Garth needs Kelly to be bringing more to the positive side of the ledger.

Amanda (All-Star, -0.5): Amanda chose "the big cheese" and then made mac&cheese along with a pork chop? This is described as a "sledgehammer to the gut", which is not exactly high praise. Amanda then goes on and on in an interview about how she totally disagrees, and maybe the judges are out for her and how she is have a "pity party" in her mind... I guess all the meth use has finally driven her completely paranoid. Except for the part where the judges might actually have it in for her... but more because of her cooking ability rather than anything more nefarious.

Quickfire Finalist

Kevin (Saunter, +1): Another nice showing from Kevin, who selected the idiom "bringing home the bacon". He then uses bacon in as many ways as possible in his bacon puree, chopped bacon, and bacon froth with a poached egg. Angelo points out that this probably wouldn't make a good frozen dish, and that's very true. I wonder if that made deciding between him and the eventual winner of the challenge easier.

Quickfire Winner

Ed (Daddy, +3): Ed chose "hot potato", and created herb and roasted garlic gnocchi, spring vegetables, and mushroom fricassee which looked absolutely delicious. Apparently it also tasted delicious, as it brings home the prize. Good job Ed, despite the fact that he was wearing Tiffany's dress at the beginning of the episode (true) and also running around like a lunatic for most of the challenge (also true).

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Elimination Challenge

The chefs are thrown a curve ball (zing!) as they are required to create high-end food for a baseball game. Which they will actually serve at a baseball game at Nationals park. This is presented as being a "group" challenge, as if they will be working together, which I don't quite get. I mean, what if three of them all want to do some kind of burger; who cares? It just makes it more likely that one of the burger people will go home. This kind of Burger Crisis is averted when Kelly becomes bossy and tells everyone what to do. Somewhat annoying, but way less annoying than the Kenny vs Angelo pissing match that annoyed America last time they had to do something like this.

There is also some strife about who might be taking orders etc. etc. which seems strange at the time, because why would one of the chefs be needed to take orders? But then it turns out that someone does need to take orders... man what the hell. Just let the fucking chefs cook, for Christ's sake. Angelo steps up and takes the bullet, though he tries to renege later (a total douche move, btw). Ed helps Angelo plate his food though, so that's cool.

Quickfire Finalist

Tiffany (Saunter, +2): Tiffany went out and made an Italian meatball sub with fennel, basil pesto, and fresh mozzarella which looks amazing. So, so good. I was licking my TV screen (again), but hey, don't judge me. It was a great idea of making a baseball park staple high-end, and I was actually surprised she didn't win. This still solidifies her credentials as an Official Top Chef Threat (OTCT).

Quickfire Winner

Ed (Daddy, +6): The double! Ed with a solid showing, taking out both challenges in today's episode. While watching the episode, I was discounting Ed's shrimp and corn risotto fritters with jalapeno aoli, but then they turned around and took the whole challenge down! Bonus points to Ed for plating Angelo's dish as well

Elimination Losers

Only two "finalists" today, so the remaining four are losers.

Kelly (Garthmeister J., -1): Oof, more negative points for Garth. Kelly's dish is an open-faced crab cake BLT with sweet potato fries, which the crowd seems to like. Kelly was concerned that the bacon was cut too thick, making the dish a little too salty, which is exactly what the judges complain about.

Angelo (All-Star, -1): Angelo made sweet glazed pork on lobster roll with sweet sesame pickles. I actually feel sorry for Angelo here (shock!) as he settled for hotdog rolls as his bun, though he was clearly looking for something else at Whole Foods. The hotdog rolls brought him down, as all the judges complained about the amount of bun, and how it was like a sponge etc. Maybe he could have made his own rolls or something? The judges also complain about the sweetness of the dish, and when Angelo points out that some napa cabbage was there to cut the sweetned he is told "uh, that's sweet too". D'oh.

Kevin (Saunter, -1): Kevin made a chicken kebab with Romesco sauce, shoestring fries, and smoked paprika aoli. There were two errors here: firstly, Kevin seems to have organised the skewers so you felt like you were going to spike your own throat (not ideal). Secondly, he sprinkled shoe-string fries over the top of the kebab to provide "texture", and they soaked up sauce and became soggy. Whups.

Eliminated

Amanda (All-Star, -1): And All-Star is down to one chef. Amanda gets pinged her for poor planning and forethought. Her dish was yellowfin tuna tartare with fennel, Meyer lemon, and fava bean puree. Tuna tartare at a ballpark?! You have to give her credit for ballsiness. She decided that doing the tartare on the day of the challenge was too risky as she didn't know what she was walking into, so prepared the tuna the day earlier. Given this "risk", why not choose to do something else?

It seems the dish tasted well enough, but as she diced it the day before and didn't cover it in oil the tuna began to oxidise, giving it a grey colour. And if you thought that tuna tartare wasn't appetising at a ballgame, grey tuna tartare is worse than that. So bonus points for ambition, minus several thousand points for planning and execution. For this challenge everyone seemed to prepare a solid dish, and that mis-step cost Amanda. And now she's gone.

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Points Table

Saunter: 39.5 (+2)
Daddy: 34.5 (+9)
All-Star: 16 (-2.5)
Garth: 10.5 (-1.5)
Grace: 10.5 (ELIMINATED)

On the back of Ed's standout performance, Daddy closes some of the gap with Saunter. Any of the five remaining chefs could take out the competition, but Saunter is the only person left with two chefs in her stable. If she doesn't lose someone soon, she could be hard to catch. All-Star has managed to shed Amanda, who has been bleeding points, but Angelo hasn't won a challenge since the Quickfire in Episode 7. Garth has to be concerned about Kelly; right now it's not enough for her to win the whole shebang, she's going to have to start putting points on the board in challenges if Saunter and Daddy are going to be beaten.

With 5 chefs remaining, and four Top Chef Fantasy teams still alive, there is a real chance that after the next episode, another team is going to be eliminated. Watch out!

Top Chef DC 10: I Spy

2010-08-24T11:52:00.003-05:00

Holy crap, I still can't believe Kenny is gone. Neither can Gracie, as she becomes the first person eliminated from the Fantasy Top Chef competition. Time for everyone to catch their breath...

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Quickfire Challenge

For this episode's Quickfire, they chefs are confronted by noted molecular gastronomist Wylie Dufresne. Man, that's quite the name. I bet poor Chef Dufresne has spent most of his life spelling out his name to people on the phone, who still manage to mangle it. Also: do you think Chef Dufresne was called "Wylie Coyote" as a kid? I sure do.

Anyhow, Chef Coyote, Super Genius, has set up a crazy challenge for everyone: each chef is assigned an identical "mystery box", from which they all have to produce a dish. But wait! Before you go claiming that Top Chef has just ripped off "Chopped" (or cooking competitions everywhere), there's a twist: new "mystery boxes" will appear throughout the challenge, which need to be incorporated into the final dish. Crazy! Insane! Loud noises!

For their troubles, the winner of the challenge will get 10k. Is it me, or have they really been throwing the money around this season? Not that I'm complaining, but I definitely noticed.

Contents of Box 1: fish, beans, unlabelled can (which turns out to be hominy)
Box 2: squid, black garlic
Box 3: ramps, passionfruit
Box 4: jicama

Quickfire Losers

Amanda (All-Star, -0.5): From those "wonderful" ingredients Amanda came up with crispy skin striped bass, squid fricassee, and leek and mushroom fondue. Chef Coyote asked her whether she used oil or butter during the challenge (Amanda said she used both), and the apparent motive behind the question is because her dish was indeed extremely oily. Urgh. Nothing worse than oily passionfruit. Deduction: All-Star.

Alex (Saunter, -0.5): This almost isn't fair anymore. Can we just shoot Alex in the back of the head and put him out of his misery? We all know Stephen was shitty, and hung around waaaaaayyy too long, but at least Stephen didn't have other chefs talking about how much he sucks every episode. Alex? Alex has that in spades. I mean, can you imagine being him, and watching the aired episodes? Has to be embarrassing. Also embarrassing? Alex's rockfish with fava bean puree, ramp fondue, and sautéed squid. During the challenge he repeatedly said he didn't have a concept of the dish, was going to prepare everything separately and then put it together at the end. And he did it all terribly, and it showed. The end.

Quickfire Finalist

Kevin (Saunter, +1): During the challenge it always seemed that Kevin was the first chef to the next Mystery Box, ready to take on the next challenge, and this enthusiasm seemed to show in his dish. He produced pan-seared rockfish, hominy puree, and jicama and passionfruit salad (which actually sounds great), and even added red pepper flakes into the squid marinade for some extra zing. A confident Kevin is a dangerous Kevin. Watch out, chefs.

Quickfire Winner

Tiffany (Saunter, +3): Besides Confident Kevin, you know who else to watch out for? Tiffany. This woman is a one-chef wrecking crew right now, and is going to have to be considered one of the favourites. For this challenge she produced a fish stew with hominy, fava beans, saffron, and black garlic, and collects another ten grand. Good for her.

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Elimination Challenge

So wither the Elimination Challenge? Why, CIA Headquarters in Langley Virginia! The chefs are required to draw knives for a dish, which they are then required to "disguise". In this context "disguise" seems to be some kind of combination of "re-imagine" and "decontruct". The dishes will be presented to a number of CIA employees, including Director Leon Panetta. The winner, besides not getting eliminated, will also win a trip to Paris. Hurrah! The losers will be water-boarded.

Elimination Finalists

Kelly (Garthmeister J., +2): We haven't heard too much from Kelly recently, but here she is, back on the podium. Interestingly Kelly professed not to know how to cook Asian food, or at least Kung Pao Shrimp, but came up with the clever idea of looking at the ingredients of bottled Kung Pao sauce to get an idea of the flavour profile. She disguised the dish as a soup, which seemed to go over well, despite her screwing up the rice and having to scramble at the end. Garth will be pleased.

Ed (Daddy, +2): Ed was given chicken cordon bleu, and decided to make it "inside out". I actually think he could have gone a lot of different ways (you have chicken breast, ham, and cheese... GO!), and went for the easiest of disguises. But the reason he was a finalist is because he cooked the shit out of that chicken. Good job Ed, even if you fail at disguises.

Elimination Winner

Tiffany (Saunter, +6): Can Tiffany be stopped?! All signs point to no! Tiffany produced a wonderfully deconstructed gyro, which everyone raves about. And in the span of a single episode Tiffany has a trip to Paris and $10k for her upcoming honeymoon. Solid choice for her to decide to come on this show. In addition, Saunter is in danger of running away with Fantasy Top Chef if Tiffany keeps this up.

Elimination Losers

Amanda (All-Star, -1): Amanda is assigned French Onion soup, and cleverly decides to disguise it as... soup. Good show. She also manages to fuck up the soup, which is just adding insult to injury. Back a few episodes ago, didn't she say she was some kind of French food expert? Too bad for her, since she seemed to be so into the spy thing, but now the CIA knows her food sucks. Though, since they are the CIA, they probably knew that already.

Angelo (All-Star, -1): Wow, Angelo. Just a completely lack-lustre episode from him. Perhaps he misses his sparring partner Kenny? Or is this just a gradual regression from his hot start, due to lack of confidence? Angelo was meant to "disguise" beef wellington, so he made them into mini-pizzas with the dough of the pizza being pre-made frozen puff pastry. Yes, the exact same component that helped the hippy chef get eliminated in the very first episode of this season. Now, that wasn't the sole reason the hippy got zapped, but that doesn't stop every chef from saying Angelo should be gone for that junk. I guess Angelo should count his lucky stars that someone is around with a worse dish. And to be frank, I think Amanda's was worse as well.

Eliminated

Alex (Saunter, -1): Finally Saunter loses her first chef, but unfortunately for Garth, Daddy and All-Star the chef eliminated is Alex. He was meant to disguise veal parmesan, and managed to come up with an interesting idea, but then managed to completely screw up the execution. Want to know a reason why that might have happened? Because he's only been cooking for 6 years; his first job was a videographer. Would have been awesome if we knew all that before, since he would have been picked last in the Fantasy Top Chef Draft, deconstructed borscht or no.

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Points Table

Saunter: 37.5 (+8.5)
Daddy: 25.5 (+2)
All-Star: 18.5 (-2.5)
Garth: 12 (+2)
Gracie: 10.5 (ELIMINATED)

Thanks primarily to Tiffany, Saunter has leaped out to a 12 point advantage - and she isn't going to be bleeding points thanks to Alex. All-Star is the only other person with two chefs remaining, but it might be better for him if he lost Amanda, as it's hard to see her contributing too many points to the positive side of the ledger. Of more concern is the tailspin Angelo seems to be in; if he doesn't watch out he might not go much further. Daddy and Garth have to be happy overall with Ed and Kelly, respectively, but both need to pull out challenge wins to keep them with a chance of taking the comp home.

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We have a new leader in the Bravo Top Chef competition! Louddownunder has leapt into the lead, due to savviness and remembering that she can change her team each week. For those of you still in the comp, remember to substitute your eliminated chefs with cooks still in the competition. Though if you actually had Alex in your team, you deserved to lose. Badly.

Top Chef DC 9: Winning the Battle, Losing the War

2010-08-17T14:30:00.003-05:00

Ah, Restaurant Wars. How will the teams shape up? Who will be forced out the front? What retarded names will they come up with for their restaurants? I can't wait!

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Quickfire Challenge

Tag team cook-off! You might remember this one from last year, when the chefs are divided into two teams, and then take shifts cooking a meal, except the "yet to cook" team members are blindfolded. Yay! The chefs draw knives for team leaders, who then take turns selecting their team members.

Team Kevin: Kenny (no. 1 pick overall), Kelly (eschewing Angelo), Amanda.

Team Ed: Tiffany (shocker), Angelo (a save, since Kevin could have picked him), Alex (lowest overall).

And who is the Guest Chef? Nancy Pelosi, a James Beard winner, and owner of the restaurant Actually I'm Just a Fucking Politician, So Too Bad If You Wanted a Chef or Someone Who is a Food Expert. At least she doesn't give us some retarded ethics lesson like Congressman Doogie Howser from a couple of episodes back.

Quickfire Losers

Team Ed (Daddy -0.5, Saunter -0.5, All-Star -0.5, Saunter -0.5): Let's be clear: this is Alex's fault. For some reason, despite going second, Alex seasons the fish. What the hell? Seasoning the fish should be done just before cooking, which Angelo does, not realising that Alex has decided to do it already. It's also worth mentioning that Angelo thinks the station looks like a bomb-site... perhaps some foreshadowing for disorganisation during Restaurant Wars, hmm? Anyway, Chef Pelosi thinks that the dish (red snapper, wilted greens, and Maitake mushrooms) is too salty. Thanks Alex.

Quickfire Winners

Team Kevin (Saunter +1, Gracie +1, Garth +1, All-Star +1): Team Kevin seemed to do a good job of leaving little sign posts along the way of what the previous person wanted done by the next person. Having the prep-beast Kenny go first was a solid idea, and Kelly had a nice and tidy station, so she could finish the dish off with a minimum of confusion. Chef Pelosi enjoys the sautéed shrimp, angel hair pasta, mustard sauce, and basil, saying it reminds her of San Francisco. Nice try, Chef Pelosi.

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Elimination Challenge

Restaurant Wars! The teams will take over some restaurant called Redwood (never heard of it) to do their cooking. It looks like the restaurant has two different eating areas, but the teams will have to share the kitchen. And we have a real Guest Judge: Frank Bruni, who is a renowned attack dog of a food critic, formerly of the New York Times.

Alright, enough preamble. Team Ed names their restaurant for "EVOO" (i.e. Extra Virgin Olive Oil), which is such a douchetastic name that Angelo had to have come up with it. Team Kevin goes for "Twentyone 21", which I at least don't actively hate. Apparently that's the address of the Top Chef house, so at least it has something to do with anything.

BTW, if you're curious about the Top Chef house, here's an article about it being sold recently, including photos and a link to a Google map. It's just around the corner from the Hilton used as the main Top Chef kitchen, and a reasonably short work from the Disco Finery Mansion.

Elimination Challenge Finalists

Angelo (All-Star +2): No surprise that he is the Executive Chef for Team EVOOdouche. The thing is, the kitchen seems really unorganised, and not running smoothly at all, with Angelo generally losing his shit repeatedly. I'll talk about this a little later, but instead of having one of the chefs out the front of the house you could have them in the kitchen - you know, actually cooking. That would allow you to have the front of the house run by a Guest Judge, or at least someone who could give the judges some inside info, to help determine how well the kitchen ran.

The food: As a starter Angelo serves a tomato soup, with squash, and olive crouton, which the judges like. As the third course, he apparently co-authors a dish with Ed, a seared rib eye steak, crushed walnut potatoes, and balsamic fig reduction. Once again, this seems to be a little end-around the rules, with no one chef being responsible (or at least, being named responsible) for this dish, though every chef was "named" responsible for at least one dish. Fucking Team EVOOdouche.

Another thing you might have noticed? No desserts from Team EVOOdouche. Savvy move, or more rules dodging? At this point I'm going to blame the format: I think the teams should be forced to make a dessert, pure and simple. So not producing a dessert just seems like a safe decision, which doesn't get penalised. I'm looking at you, Top Chef Producers.

At this point I'm just going to mention that EVOOdouche was meant to have Mediterranean influences, but this didn't seem to have made an impression on the cuisine, which the judges duly note, and then apparently disregard. Like the kitchen disorganisation, deplorable front of the house etc. etc.

Tiffany (Saunter +2): Tiffany kind of got screwed over by Team EVOOdouche's attempts to find something for Alex to do that he wouldn't mess up. After he was screwing up butchering the lamb, he got sent to prep Tiffany's fish. And he screwed that up too, leaving scales and bones in for Tiffany. Despite these setbacks Tiffany produces a starter and a main. Her starter is a crudo of black bass and yellowtail snapper with lemon-caper relish which the judges think is (wait for it, wait for it) too salty. ALEX!! Is it possible he seasoned the fish after he fucked up the prepping? Her main is striped bass, stewed spinach, chorizo, and littleneck clams, which while overcooked seems to redeem her overall performance.

Alex (Saunter +2): Let's be clear: Alex should somehow have been sent home, and Saunter will be grateful for the points. Team EVOOdouche clearly seemed to violate the spirit of Restaurant Wars, ensuring Alex did as little as possible in the kitchen, and sending him out to the front of the house where the real damage (i.e. damage to the food) could be limited.

But! I hear you say (actually, no you probably don't): that's not Alex's fault! Well, it's not his fault,exactly, but then again he also completely fucked up everything he was given to do. He fucked up butchering the lamb chops, so was taken off that. He was then sent to prep Tiffany's fish, which he also fucked up. And the front of the house? Holy Christ, did he fuck that up. Bossing around the waiters, not even having them taste the food, making bullshit demands. And when he said that "all my employees love me" I had David Brent (from the original version of The Office) flashbacks.

And that's not all: Alex wasn't around to meet the Judges, he messed up the descriptions of the dishes, the courses took forever to come out, and he didn't bother to say goodbye to the Judges. Just terrible. The thing is, Team EVOOdouche did manage to limit the amount of damage Alex could do, and thus managed to avoid being the team up for elimination.

I wonder if after this debacle the Produces deign to change the format of Restaurant Wars, ensuring everyone is in the kitchen with perhaps a ringer in to run the front of the house. In his blog Colicchio says he has been begging the Producers for years to modify to this format, and maybe this episode is the catalyst for it.

Anyhow, the dish which is allegedly Alex's is the third course: pan-seared lamb chop, English pea puree (ha!), smoked bacon, and Parmesan foam. Surprise, the judges don't like it.

What is also interesting is that in the Stew Room, the chefs from the losing team absolutely tear into Alex, with Kevin getting top Insane Rage honours. I so wanted to see a fight; that would have been better than watching Alex trip into a kitchen bench over and over.

Actually, screw it.

Elimination Challenge Winner

Ed (Daddy +6): Despite his questionable team selection (being fortunate to get Angelo despite passing on him initially, though the producers may have mandated Kenny and Angelo not be together), Ed managed to put together the winning group of chefs. His slow-baked turbot, eggplant caviar and black olive jus was also pretty tasty, garnering top honours for the challenge. Nice points for Daddy here.

Elimination Challenge Losers

Kelly (Garth -1): Kelly seems to do a great job at the front of the house, or at least managed to do the complete opposite of Alex. She produces one of the starters, a chilled sweet corn soup with Maryland blue crab salad. Unfortunately the restaurant is meant to be big on seasonal food, and corn isn't in season. The judges also think the soup is a little thin. Kelly also produces a dark chocolate ganache tart with blackberry chocolate chunk ice cream (dessert, *gasp*), which seems to be a spin on what she produced for the pie-related Quickfire earlier in the season. The judges seem to like the tart, but think the ice cream is ordinary. Nonetheless, Kelly has run the front of the house well, and produced two dishes. Quite the load, especially compared with the "efforts" of Alex.

Kevin (Saunter -1): Kevin produces a pan-roasted halibut, fennel marmalade, and tomato-fennel emulsion, which seems to be the overall hit of the losing team. To be honest, I don't have a lot more to say about Kevin except that it would have been neat if he put Kenny on Angelo on the same team. Kevin has a real chance to go deep in the competition if he keeps it together.

Amanda (All-Star -1): This was the consensus (and by "consenus" I mean "everyone except All-Star and the judges") person-who-should-have-been-eliminated. To be fair, Amanda was wrestling with a wood oven she was unfamiliar with, but that's not a reasonable excuse. She's shown getting dishes rejected by Kelly for being overcooked, which Amanda gives weird excused for (it was because she let it rest in the wrong place, grass-fed beef is weird, etc.).

Again, this is all stuff that would be noticed if there was a Guest Judge, or at least an outsider reporting to the judges, running the front of the house. I understand that the producers seem to be going for a simulation of a restaurant reviewer eating at a restaurant (backed up by Frank Bruni being the guest judge) but you can't have it both ways if there is a chef out the front of the house - chefs normally cook, not serve as a maitre d'.

Amanda's dish is officially grilled strip steak with roasted sunchoke and Maitake mushrooms. The judges complain that it's cut too thin so it can't form a nice crust. Bruni thinks it was over-cooked and under-juicy. The saving grace? The sauce. This seems eerily similar to the beef bourginon that Amanda messed up last week: meat was ordinary, but the sauce was good. Either way, she lives to cook another day.

Eliminated

Kenny (Gracie -1): And we have our first casualty: Gracie, who now has all of her chefs eliminated. In his blog, Colicchio defended this decision, and even stated that he knew it probably hurt the show. He also claimed that Amanda had one weak dish, while Kenny had two. His beet salad with warm chorizo-citrus vinaigrette, a starter, was described as "busy"; not exactly damning, but perhaps they felt more strongly about it than that. His crisped aged goat cheese on strawberry-rhubarb relish, however, does not go over well. It's huge, it's soapy, and the crust is salty. Pretty clearly this was the dish that got Kenny sent home.

Having Kenny sent home is a real shame for the show at large, and I'm wondering if it will have an impact on the viewing audience. The decision was pretty universally disagreed with, and is definitely going to affect the rest of the season adversely for everyone not named Angelo or All-Star. If nothing else, it's going to be a very interesting beginning to the next episode, as everyone reels from the decision (no doubt continuing to rip into Alex), all while Angelo looks like the cat who swallowed the cream.

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Points Table

Saunter: 29 (+3)
Daddy: 23.5 (+5.5)
All-Star: 21 (+1.5)
Gracie: 10.5 (-1.5) (ELIMINATED)
Garth: 10 (0)

With Kenny's departure Gracie is the first person eliminated from Fantasy Top Chef, and unless Kelly is eliminated shortly looks destined to come last in the competition. The big winner was All-Star, who avoided having Amanda get eliminated, while having Angelo's biggest apparent rival eliminated. Daddy gets a much needed points infusion and adds to Ed's resume for a spot in the top few. And Saunter? Her three chefs are intact, and she even got a positive contribution from Alex.

The question remains: can anyone stop Angelo? Can Saunter gather enough points to hold All-Star off, if Angelo takes the whole thing down? Or can a surge by Ed or Kelly be enough to see Daddy or Garthmeister J to the top?

And what happens if Angelo somehow gets eliminated in the next few episodes?!?!?!??!?!??!?!??!?!!

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I wanted to update everyone on the Bravo competition, with "Duck Fat" (who I believe is Donkey Puncher) and "supershua" holding down equal first position. HOWEVER: I have noticed people have eliminated chefs still in their teams. Make sure to alter your line-up to only include chefs that are still alive, to ensure you get points!

Top Chef DC 8: Nobody Likes Brazil

2010-08-10T10:09:00.004-05:00

Nine chefs to go. Though there are still some weaker chefs left in the competition, the top two chefs (Angelo and Kenny) seem to have come back to the pack a little bit. The next elimination is an important one; with eight chefs remaining the next episode should be Restaurant Wars. Who won't make the cut?

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Quickfire Challenge

This week there is no pre-pubescent Congressman to regale us with tales of ethics violations. Instead we get a Real Life Chef, and one we have probably all heard of, Marcus Samuelsson, famous for his Ethiopian and Asian cuisine. Angelo may have actually ejaculated when he saw Marcus enter the room. Washington DC has a ton of Ethiopian restaurants, so the challenge is... cook something Ethiopian! Marcus gives some quick pointers, which may or may not help.

To be honest, this seemed like a bit of a cop-out of a challenge, but what do I know. Some of the chefs are going to have a big advantage on knowing what spices to use and what techniques to use, while some chefs maybe confused that Ethiopia actually has a style of cuisine.

Quickfire Losers

Kevin (Saunter, -0.5): Poor Kevin. Sometimes high, sometimes low. I'm willing to cut him some slack; Kevin seems a little at sea when he is out of his comfort zone. His dish of braised chicken with chickpeas, a cucumber mint salad, and yogurt didn't seem particularly Ethiopian-y and was pinged by Marcus for not being bold enough, which is a criticism we have heard before. This lack of balls when he's not cooking something in his wheelhouse could definitely prevent him going deep. GET SOME BALLS, KEVIN!

Alex (Saunter, -0.5): Alex went for beef and lamb tongue stew with cabbage and potatoes. OK, big ups for using tongue, but I have no idea where the cabbage came from. His stew is too dry, but we all know the real reason he failed; he couldn't steal Ed's pea puree. Zing! Alex definitely is in the lower tier of chefs, and I can't see him lasting too much longer. Saunter just has to hope that he doesn't drain too many points before he gets zapped, or that he at least can cheat his way to a few more victories.

Stephen (Gracie, -0.5): Oh, Stephen. Is it worse to crash and burn in the first couple of episodes, and claim you just fucked up and were unlucky? Or is it worse to limp along for episode after episode, stinking up the joint and generally producing shitty dish after shitty dish? Stephen is definitely testing this theory, and is making me think it is better to burn out rather than fade away. So, let's talk about this particular crappy dish: lamb meatballs and yogurt sauce, which looks terrible, and apparently the meatballs are dry. What makes this worse is that Stephen claimed to have been anticipating this challenge, due to the number of Ethiopian restaurants about the place... so does this mean he could have been even worse if he wasn't anticipating it? Or was he just lying, so we would think his Sherlock skills were better than his culinary skills (which apparently wouldn't be hard)? Whichever it is, he just sucks.

Quickfire Finalists

Amanda (All-Star, +1): The biggest surprise of the challenge was Amanda managing to deliver with her stewed goat on grilled injera. While preparing the dish Amanda admits that she has no idea what she is doing, and no idea what the spices are, but still manages to deliver something that impresses Marcus. I think Amanda is a mediocre chef who subscribes a little to the Alex-like "throw crap at the wall and hope something sticks" style of cooking, but there is one thing she does have in spades: and that's balls. Chefs like Kevin could take that from her, at least. But watch out, or she will cut you, just to watch you bleed.

Angelo (All-Star, +1): No surprise: Angelo producing one of the top dishes. Big surprise: Angelo did not win the the challenge. Angelo produced berbere spiced doro wat with egg, mango yogurt, and mint on steamed injera... I mean, that sounds like it should be appearing on an Ethiopian menu. Marcus goes as far as to ask if Angelo was born Ethiopian, and then they both make out with each other. Tell you what though, Angelo is not calling Marcus back after not getting awarded the victory. Fucking Angelo.

Quickfire Winner

Tiffany (Saunter, +3): I have been quietly singing the praises of Tiffany for a little while and she finally delivers, impressing Marcus with her beef goulash with poached egg, currants, peppers, and yogurt. Perhaps this victory can help slingshot her to greater heights. If nothing else Saunter has to feel right now that Tiffany is her strongest chef remaining. Tiffany now has immunity (but no monies) for the win.

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Elimination Challenge

In continuing with the international theme, Marcus and Padma wheel in a map of the world, with nine countries highlighted. The chefs have to draw knives for picking order, and then select a country; they will then have to produce a dish to serve to 100 people based on this nationality, in a venue without electricity. This caveat is a little reminiscent of the challenge last season, where the chefs had to prepare a dish out on a ranch over fires; in that episode, the chefs who tried to get away with ceviches so as not to have to use the grills were punished. Could something similar happen here?

The wild card of the countries is Brazil, which all the chefs profess to wanting to avoid, and lucky Stephen is the one who gets stuck with it. Also of note is Angelo gets his pick of the Asian countries, despite selecting in the middle of the pack.

Man, Stephen is so screwed.

As a bonus, along with Marcus we get the wonderfully insane Jose Andreas as a guest judge. If you want to get a better idea of Andreas, check out the No Reservations episode about DC (I believe it is in Season One). Most of No Reservations is available on NetFlix Watch Instantly, so Go Go Go! Look, it's Anthony Bourdain, awesome food, and an insane Spaniard. What more could you want?

Elimination Finalists

Kelly (Garthmeister J, +2): Kelly delivers with her beef carpaccio. I was initially concerned about her attempts to produce a dish that would not require heat at the venue, but those concerns were immediately evaporated once people started tasting the dish. Garth needs Kelly to keep delivering, but the jury is out on whether she can elbow her way into the top four.

Kevin (Saunter, +2): Despite never having cooked Indian food before, Kevin strikes gold with his stewed chicken with leek and parsnip puree, mango and cucumber salad, and lentils. This is a neat recovery from his Ethiopian failure, and will hopefully encourage him to not wilt when faced with a challenge that he is unfamiliar with.

Elimination Winner

Tiffany (Saunter, +6): Tiffany! Again! Tiffany was fortunate enough to be able to pick her country first, and selected Mexico. Being from Texas, she was confident in her ability to deliver a top dish, and duly did so with her chicken tamales with queso fresco and tomatillo sauce. What else does Tiffany get? $10k, which makes up for not getting anything besides Immunity (which she clearly didn't need) for winning the Quickfire. Maybe the producers felt she deserved something? Tiffany's win also means that Saunter has had two of her chefs in the top of the Elimination Challenge for the last three weeks, including the winner each time!

Elimination Losers

Ed (Daddy, -1): Oh Ed. Ed, Ed, Ed. What to make of this chef? I still feel he has top four potential, and could even take the whole competition out, but he keeps occasionally appearing on the bottom. The problem seems to be that Ed "overpromised, but underdelivered" with his tea smoked duck breast with crispy pot stickers in Szechuan jus. He and Tom also have a conversation regarding the fact that he should have rendered the fat from his duck first, and it is just clear that they speak the same culinary language. WHY WERE YOU HERE, ED?! To be honest, I'm surprised Amanda isn't here instead of Ed, with her dry beef bourginon. Perhaps her sauce ruled, and that was enough to keep her off the bottom, or perhaps the producers like the drama.

Alex (Saunter, -1): It's one thing to have to cook the national cuisine of a guest judge, when everyone else is doing it, like in the Quickfire. It's another thing to have to cook the national cuisine of a guest judge, when you are the only one doing so, which Alex had to do here with Spain. And it's yet another thing to have to do it, when the guest judge is insane, like Jose Andreas is. And it's yet another thing to completely SUCK at it, which Alex did. His braised veal with red wine sauce, olive and tomato salad, and a jamon torta is described as a "little nightmare" by our fantastically deranged guest judge. Alex is a shifty sort, however, claiming he knew the dish was bad (which seems to be a lie, based on his comments through the episode), and that he got over-excited by the chance to cook Spanish food... but Tom sees through that line of bullshit and informs him that, no, your dish just sucked. If Alex somehow makes it through the next couple of episodes, I am going to be shocked.

Eliminated

Stephen (Gracie, -1): And BOOM goes the dynamite. This elimination has been on the cards for most of the season. It was never going to be a question of "if", but merely a question of "when". Stephen's marinated flank steak in a chimichurri sauce with black beans, and rice was marred in particular by fucked up rice. Urgh. At the very least, Stephen's reputation will not continue to be tarnished further by crappy dishes. Gracie will be glad, as now the bleeding will stop, though she is now fully hitched to the good ship Kenny.

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Points Table

Saunter: 26 (+9)
All-Star: 19.5 (+2)
Daddy: 18 (-1)
Gracie: 12 (-1.5)
Garth: 10 (+2)

Another scorching week from Saunter catapults her into a decisive lead. Garth, Gracie, and Daddy are on deathwatch, as they all have a single chef remaining. All-Star has two chefs remaining, and while Angelo is his big hope he will want Amanda to keep her shit together, and not drain too many points along the way... and hopefully pick up a few too.

But it's Saunter with all three chefs remaining who is in pole position. Alex is definitely the weak link, and might not be long for the show, but Kevin and Tiffany can definitely put up some points, and Tiffany is also beginning to loom as a dark horse contender.

But what will happen after Restaurant Wars?!

Top Chef DC 7: Mind Your Peas and Qs

2010-08-03T13:25:00.004-05:00

Let's get back into the swing of a proper re-cap, but before I begin... did anyone else think that this week's episode was going to be Restaurant Wars? From the ads I somehow got the impression from the way it was shot that this might have been that time of the season. Ah well, soon enough.

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Quickfire Challenge

This week's guest chef? Well, he's not a guest chef at all! He's Rep. Doogie Howser, who looks to be younger than anyone competing in the challenge, and probably younger than your children. He explains that Congress has some rule that representatives can't accept any food item that couldn't fit on a toothpick, to avoid any potential ethics conflicts. Seriously, WTF! I think I also remember a rule how the Speaker of the House is chosen by trying on glass slippers.

Hey Congress, you know what would fit on a toothpick? A black truffle, stuffed with diamonds and caviar, coated in gold dust and cocaine. WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW?!

And what would I receive for my truffle/diamond/caviar/gold/cocaine culinary masterpiece? $20,000 and Immunity! Well, either that or my proposed bill promoting strip mining using the tears of enslaved children will be passed. Either way, America wins! The only issue would be ensuring that Amanda didn't try and snort the toothpick before I won my 20k.

Quickfire Losers

Alex (Saunter, -0.5): Alex purports to be a canape master, and then somehow comes up with scallops with crispy bacon, strawberries, and basil essence. First of all: scallops?! Seriously, chefs, DO NOT USE SCALLOPS. In fact, the only way you could set yourself up for failure better would be to make a dessert featuring scallops. And looking at Alex's "dish" he almost did that; seriously, scallops and strawberries? Sorry Saunter, Alex still appears to suck.

Ed (Daddy, -0.5): Poor Ed didn't really seem to get a handle on his dish. He claimed to have an idea of what he wanted to cook, but wasn't sure how to make it work with the whole "toothpick" thing. Damned Congress! His tuna confit, with grilled tuna and avocado and sweet and sour watermelon(?!) didn't fit the bill (heh) here, and Ed seemed to know it. Cheer up, bucko.

Kelly (Garthmeister J., -0.5): Here's what Kelly made: seared scallops with salted watermelon and a watermelon vinaigrette. *sigh* Seriously, do I need to explain what went wrong here. And maybe watermelon needs to go on the "Death Food" list, along with desserts and scallops? Both Kelly and Ed managed to fail when using those ingredients.

Quickfire Finalists

Stephen (Gracie, +1): So, Stephen once again... no, wait, this is the finalists. HOLY SHIT, STEPHEN'S FOOD DID NOT SUCK. Granted, it wasn't an actual chef doing the judging, but some Congressman from 9th Grade, but even so. Even more than that, he avoided the scallop curse with his scallop and beef with a crispy potato cake and béarnaise sauce. The dish was described by Rep. Doogie Howser as "meaty"... I guess for the win Stephen should have just put a hunk of grilled rib-eye on the fucking toothpick (though Stephen may have fucked that up, so good job on what he made here). Sorry Gracie, this is a false dawn.

Kevin (Saunter, +1): Woo Kevin! This man is continuing his resurgence, if he was actually surging in the first place. So maybe this is just his "surgence"? Anyway, his surging is going pretty well right now, thanks to his grilled pork and mushroom kabob with sherry vinegar. You know what grilled pork is, btw? MEATY.

Quickfire Winner

Angelo (All-Star, +3): Fucking Angelo. He is so devious he even out-thinks Congress, creating a cucumber cup into which to stuff his spiced shrimp and cashew, with the toothpick stuck into the cucumber. By this logic, Kenny could have formed a vessel out of, I dunno, a halved and hollowed out giant pumpkin, and filled it with a pig that had been roasted on a spit. Meaty enough for you, Congressman? Seriously, Angelo should have just gone for my truffle/diamond/caviar/gold/cocaine idea, at least it's honest cheating rather than this pansy-assed skirting of the rules with fucking fucking cucumber. Fuck.

As an aside: when giving her dish to the Congressman, Amanda did everything but lick her lips and announce that she just found men in positions of power so sexy. Maybe the Congressman is too familiar with these attempts at bribery, and just prefers whores of the non-crack variety.

And, hey, Congress... what if the toothpick is presented between the breasts of a naked whore? Who is also coated in gold dust and cocaine? God, I bet the fucking sub-committee who came up this rule thought they were being so fucking smart. It was probably Angelo.

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Elimination Challenge

Given the appearance of a member of Congress in the Quickfire, it's no surprise that more denizens of The Hill appear in the Elimination Challenge. The chefs are to take over the kitchen at The Palm and cook for some of our elected representatives, making for them a "Power Lunch" which fortunately doesn't need to fit on a toothpick.

The Palm is actually a five minute walk from my apartment, though I have never eaten there. Apparently The Palm is famous for the caricatures on the walls of the dining room, and the lucky winning chef will not only have their dish put on the menu, but they will have their face put on the wall. The chefs draw knives for their proteins, and it's off to the kitchen.

Elimination Finalists

Tiffany (Saunter, +2): And here comes one of our dark horses, Tiffany. She reminds me a little of Eli from last season, just hanging about, then suddenly producing some good dishes and BAM all of a sudden they are going deep. She knows she overcooked her swordfish with olive and raisin tapenade, and broccolini with bacon, but it is still good enough to grab a top spot. Keep an eye on Tiffany.

Ed (Daddy, +2): Alright, this was going to happen. We're going to have to talk about peas, pureed English peas to be precise. Ed grabbed a spot on the podium for his poached lobster ballantine, eggplant caviar, and English pea-asparagus fricassee. English pea-asparagus fricassee, you ask? Yes; Ed had put together an English pea puree which strangely went missing on the day. Did anyone else use an English pea puree on the day? Yes. Did this person also claim to not know what they were cooking they night before, and then was told Ed was making an English pea puree? Yes. Did this same person claim afterwards they did not know Ed was even making a pea puree? Yes. Did this same person also win the Elimination Challenge? Yes. Are we guaranteed to have this come up win the Reunion Show? Fuck yes.

Elimination Winner

Alex (Saunter, +6): Oh, Alex. Unless the editors totally framed Alex (which would be pretty low, even for reality TV editors), it seems pretty clear he lifted Ed's puree. Reading Colicchio's blog, he didn't realise there was an issue (despite being in the kitchen for some period of time), and was shocked when he watched the episode. Probably doubly so since the component of the dish which Alex was praised for most was the puree itself. Perhaps it's apt that the visage of a cheater will be placed on the wall of The Palm, hangout of politicians. Saunter doesn't mind the points, almost the sole positive contribution Alex has made.

Elimination Losers

Kelly (Garthmeister J., -1): As you may have gathered, Amanda is a ditz. How ditzy? For this challenge she forgot to bring salt. That's like a chef forgetting to bring their knives. So... how does this affect Kelly? Well, Kelly hates Amanda. And Amanda wanted to borrow some salt. So Kelly over-salted her steak in a "sorry, whups, can't spare any salt ha ha!" move. What I'm trying to say is Amanda sucks.

Kevin (Saunter, -1): This just seemed like a poor dish from Kevin, whose "surgence" might be over. He cooked his lamb sous vide, then had to reheat it, which seemed to over cook it. He then served it with a tomato concasse, which apparently was like molten lava. Not well done, and time will tell which Kevin is the real Kevin.

Eliminated

Andrea (Daddy, -1): And all of a sudden Daddy has one chef remaining, joining Garthmeister J. I'm surprised; while I didn't think Andrea was a top tier chef, I thought she was more accomplished than Stephen and Amanda at least. Not to be, as she goes out for her pan-seared swordfish with "risotto style" couscous, asparagus, and vanilla bean mustard beurre blanc. Her mistake, besides hating sword fish, was the vanilla bean which sounds to much like dessert for my liking and overwhelmed the dish. She also wins the "eh, I don't really fucking care" award for person who doesn't seem to give a shit when they are eliminated. No points for that, Daddy, but kudos nonetheless.

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Points Table

Daddy: 19 (+0.5)
All-Star: 17.5 (+3)
Saunter: 17 (+7.5)
Gracie: 13.5 (+1)
Garth: 8 (-1.5)

Saunter is coming on like a train, aided and abetted by Alex's (alleged) nefariousness, with all three chefs still alive. Daddy is lurching atop the table, down to Ed and Ed alone. All-Star gets some value from Angelo, though he is off the boil at the moment, and Amanda is off the reservation. Gracie needs Kenny to refind his mojo, and hope for anything positive from Stephen before his impending elimination. And Garth? Garth needs Kelly to do better than being on the bottom for both challenges.

Just The Facts, Ma'am: Top Chef DC Episode 6

2010-07-28T15:05:00.004-05:00

Real life got in the way of a timely recap, so I am throwing up a points summary in case a real recap doesn't make it's way up here before tonight's episode.

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Quickfire Losers: Stephen (Gracie, -0.5), Alex (Saunter, -0.5), Andrea (Daddy, -0.5)

Quickfire Finalists: Tamesha (Daddy, +1), Amanda (All-Star, +1)

Quickfire Winner: Kelly (Garthmeister J., +3)

Elimination Finalist: Tiffany (Saunter, +2)

Elimination Winner: Kevin (Saunter, +6)

Elimination Loser: Kenny (Gracie, -1)

Eliminated: Tamesha (Daddy, -1)

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Points Table

Daddy: 18.5 (-0.5)
All-Star: 14.5 (+1)
Gracie: 12.5 (-1.5)
Garth: 9.5 (+3)
Saunter: 9.5 (+7.5)

Top Chef DC 5: Down on the Farm

2010-07-19T14:00:00.003-05:00

We are still cruising through the part of the season where the weaker chefs are obvious, and it seems just a matter of time before they will be jettisoned from the competition. Having said that, last week's elimination of Arnold, not to mention the near-elimination of Kenny, has definitely put everyone on edge. Who will be packing their knives this week?

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Quickfire Challenge

The chefs enter the Top Chef kitchen, and BOOM: blue crabs are everywhere. Seriously, all over the place, all scuttling about doing crab-like things. The chefs run the gamut from happy (Tim, who's from the region), scared (Tiffany), or confused (Tamesha, who has apparently never cooked with crabs before?!). I, for one, hope no one does them badly; a couple of years back I had a "bad crab experience", which culminated in me projectile-vomiting all over AlCantHang's bathroom. True story.

The guest judge-chef is a weird looking dude who explains that blue crabs are adored in the region, and that they need to make a dish that makes the crab "sing". Alright then, weird chef-dude-who-might-be-on-a-sex-offender-registry-somewhere...

Quickfire Losers

Andrea (Daddy, -0.5): Andrea claims to have some problems with the blue crabs, as they are much smaller than the crabs she gets in Miami. Perhaps that caused her to overcompensate? Her warm crab salad with citrus gastrique and Mexican red chiles is deemed too "weighty", which is kind of a weird description for a salad. In fact, let's just make a blanket statement that avoiding salads (not to mention desserts) is a solid idea. Foreshadowing! Anyhoo, I think Daddy can take this result in stride.

Amanda (All-Star, -0.5): To my mind, Amanda is still one of the enigmas of the competition. Can she actually cook? Is she insane, or just mildly unbalanced? When the going gets tough, will she break down and start doing lines of sea salt? For the Elimination Challenge she comes up with a crab salad with sauterne ginger juniper gelee. The freaky guest judge comments that the dish is "unbalanced". To me, that's a bit of a chef diss, just a step above calling a dish "amateurish". For All-Star, he needs this girl to be avoiding the bottom as much as possible, while hoping that the voices in Amanda's head compel her to produce the occasional culinary masterpiece before she is thrown out of the competition for putting a cleaver into the back of Alex's skull (or some other variety of chef-on-chef violence).

Kevin (Gretchen, -0.5): Poor Kevin. And poor Saunter. When the season started, Kevin looked like one of the studs of the crew. Maybe not as good as Angelo, or in the same class as Kenny, but someone who could do some damage. Now he is a mere shade of himself, lacking in confidence, and producing a crab chowder that doesn't have enough crab in it, a clear failure to meet the "singing" part of the challenge requirement. Saunter has to hope that this guy gets a confidence infusion from somewhere, or he is going to be out in the near future.

Quickfire Finalists

Kenny (Gracie, +1): It is no secret the Kenny thinks he is the top dog amongst the chef contestants. He looks with disdain upon his inferiors, noting their poor attempts at culinary creativity, wondering how it can take people so long to produce dishes which pale in comparison to what he offers. For the crab challenge he decides to rub it in their faces by making three, count them: three, dishes (korean chili crab bisque, crab bruschetta, and warm crab with sesame, in case you were wondering). Is he surprised to be named one of the top chefs in the challenge? No, he is only surprised that he didn't win the whole damn thing. So is Gracie.

Angelo (All-Star, +1): Another podium finish for our douchiest chef, though he must be confused that he is dominating completely like he was earlier. Was his douche-move when he tried to sabotage Kenny in the school episode resulted in a load of bad karma? Or is the competition just closer than we thought it was? Maybe if Angelo spent less time slobbering over Tamesha he's be bringing home more wins. All-Star certainly hopes that this is just a minor down-swing; after all, the dude is still bringing in points, this time with an Asian (surprise) themed crab broth infused with lemongrass and ginger.

Quickfire Winner

Ed (Daddy, +3): Ed Cotton, not-so-silent assassin. When he is not making eyes at Tiffany, Ed is definitely going from strength to strength, and right now appears to be one of the draft bargains at Number 4 overall. Ed's got so much swagger right now that he attempts to out-Asian Angelo, going for a Thai-inspired crab dish, and wins! Before too long people other than myself and Daddy are going to notice that Ed is starting to bring the noise, and start thinking about this horse making into the finale.

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Elimination Challenge

Determined to show that Washington, DC is not a bustling metropolis, the producers take the chefs out of their element to Bumfuck, Virginia, where one of the pioneering hippie-farms resides. You know, one where the animals roam wild and free, or something, and everything is organic, and they get to charge like a gazillion dollars for a half-dozen eggs and some asparagus. For some reason the chefs are combined into one team to produce six total dishes: to add drama I suppose, and to make sure that they don't get 6 racks of lamb rather than some soup and some salad or whatever.

It seems obvious that everyone should work in pairs and bring something to the dish, but Kenny and Angelo get to shout at each other a lot before they all decide to be in the same pairs as last Elimination Challenge. The only sad people seems to be Ed (who doesn't get to make moves on Tiffany), Tiffany (more because she seems to think Tim sucks, as opposed to wanting Ed to press his doughy flesh against her), and Alex (who then realises that Ed doesn't like him). Just like High School!

The "twist" is that the chefs won't know what ingredients they will get to cook with, and what they will get too cook on. The horror! They do, however, get a lot of product placement as the chefs drive out to the farm, to cook on shitty equipment in tight quarters in cold weather. Fun!

Elimination Challenge Finalists

Kevin (Saunter, +2): You know one person who was happy about having the same pairs as last Elimination Challenge? Kevin - because then he gets to be paired up again with Mother Fucking Kenny. Mother Fucking Kenny (or MFK, for short) has no problems telling lesser chefs what to do. And when lesser chefs (read: Kevin) get their dish accidentally tipped onto the ground, MFK is gonna tell you to get your bitch-ass off the ground, and get backing to slapping those hos. Or something. Anyway, the MFK magic totally works, and Kevin recovers from having his first attempt dumped on the grass to produce a broccoli cous cous with lemon zest that wows the judges. All Saunter can hope for is that enough MFK rubbed off on Kevin, or that Kevin gets paired with MFK for the rest of the season.

Andrea (Daddy, +2): Andrea rebounds from her crab failure, and scores major points with her five spice rubbed grilled pork loin. There was some concern earlier about how it cook, and Andrea made the savvy decision to quarter the loin to make sure it cooked properly. Done and done, so to speak. I don't think Andrea is going anywhere soon, though I can't put her in the top tier of talent.

Kelly (Garthmeister J., +2): Kelly seems to have some reasonable cooking chops as well, scoring for the roasted shallot-apple balsamic jus, roasted beets, and roasted five-spiced apples which accompanied the pork. I do think that Kelly might have been the brains of the Five Spice Duo here. Garth needs Kelly to keep scoring if he is going to have any say in the final standings.

Elimination Challenge Winner

Kenny (Gracie, +6): Mother Fucking Kenny. When MFK sees people racing to get pork loin and other proteins, MFK just rolls his eyes. When MFK sees eggplant, he also sees hot and sour curried eggplant. And when he makes that hot and sour curried eggplant, he's not going to worry that he might bruise your delicate sensibilities with some spiciness. No, MFK is going to bring the motherfucking HEAT. And you will thank him for it, just you wait and see.

As an aside, during the episode we get to see some B-roll of all the female chefs basically announcing that they would like to bang Kenny. They also call him a variety of nicknames, which include "Black Angus"(?). Noticeably absent is "Mother Fucking Kenny", but they probably cut that due to the FCC. However, it did become clear to me that MFK is obviously the inspiration behind Black Dynamite. Can you dig it?

Elimination Losers

Amanda (All-Star, -1): This time the voices told Amanda to make a minestrone, but unfortunately Amanda doesn't seem to know what a minestrone is, beyond being a soup of some kind. Eric Ripert even comes out and asks her if she knows what one is, which is kind of embarrassing. To top things off, Amanda does a really shitty job of cooking the vegetables. Fortunately for her, the voices in her head, and fans of train wrecks everywhere, there is a crappier chef than her in this challenge.

Stephen (Gracie, -1): I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Stephen sucks. He sucks really badly. This time he produces a really sucky salad, which... look, it just sucks OK? It sucked to look at, it sucked to hear him talk about it, and apparently it really sucked to eat. No doubt Gracie was imploring Padama to send this guy packing, but he survives to continue to bleed points another day. He sucks.

Eliminated

Tim (Garthmeister J., -1): What to make of Tim? He was somewhat confounding, always seeming confident with legitimate reasons for that confidence. In the grilling challenge? Why, he was using these awesome rubs and sauces he used in his restaurant. In the crab challenge? Hell, he's from the area, and knows you just have to let those crabs shine. This time? Sure, he's just producing grilled roasted turnips and asparagus, but you will recognise the simple brilliance in the dish. Alternatively the judges will sniff out the fact that you had no idea what you were doing and produced a retarded dish. Fuck off, Tim. Just... just fuck off.

And all of a sudden, we have the first fantasy player to have only one chef remaining in the game. Garth is officially on Death Watch.

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Points Table

Daddy: 19 (+4.5)
Gracie: 14 (+6)
All-Star: 13.5 (-0.5)
Garth: 6.5 (+1)
Saunter: 2 (+1.5)

Daddy continues to flex his muscles, with Ed and Andrea contributing, and the solid Tamesha not making a contribution for this week. Gracie is riding the power of MFK, though the downer that is Stephen is only holding her back. All-Star needs the voices in Amanda's head to be more clear in their instructions, and Angelo has to stop being out-psyched by MFK and Ed. Saunter requires Kevin to build on the last challenge, if nothing else.

And Garth? Well, Garth better hope Kelly can fucking cook.

Top Chef DC Recap 4: Double Trouble

2010-07-12T20:10:00.004-05:00

So far we've seen the consensus "worst chef in the competition" get eliminated, but this week we have a (dun-dun-dun) Double Elimination episode. Garth is hoping he keeps the rest of his team safe, lest his entire fantasy chef season go up in smoke.

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Quickfire Challenge

As you may or may not know, both Tom and Padma have recently had children. This is also the reason that Padma is looking extremely, uh, bouncy this season. Apparently the producers have run out of ideas already this season, and decided to use the two co-hosts recent spawning as inspiration. The chefs are to make a dish with two versions: one for Mum and Dad, and one for junior. Um, sure! Padma and Tom will both pick their favorites, and those two people will each earn $10k. Arnold announces that he will donate the money to AIDs babies (seriously), while Alex announces that he will use the money on hookers and blow (seriously).

Quickfire Losers

Tim (Garthmeister J., -0.5): Garth must be seriously questioning his selection of Tim in the first round. Right now Tim has been nothing but an over-promising points sink. This time he overcooks his lamb, which is enough to earn a reprimand.

Alex (Saunter, -0.5): Alex, clearly excited about the prospect of spending ten grand on obtaining some feminine comfort as well as some Colombian Marching Powder to allow him to forget the pain and drudgery of his existence, has too much of a heavy hand with the spices. Sorry, Saunter.

Kevin (Saunter, -0.5): Saunter has a second team member betray her, and like Garth, it's her alleged top chef. Kevin's culinary crime was garnishing his dish with a nice pool of duck blood, which is considered unseemly by the judges.

Kelly (Garthmeister J., -0.5): Saunter isn't the only fantasy owner to be failed by two chefs in the Quickfire Challenge, as Garth is let down by both his first and second round draft picks. Kelly's pork is too bland, so I suppose she and Alex should have pooled their resources. Hell, they could have shared the blow.

Quickfire Finalists

Lynne (Gracie, +1): Despite moaning about her lack of offspring, making her feel ill-prepared for the challenge, Lynne wins points for her chicken breast with fruit compote, striking a blow for childless old people everywhere.

Angelo (All-Star, +1): No surprise to see Angelo on the podium, with his fenugreek-infused broth with seared tuna. He goes overboard with the presentation of the babyfood, cleverly taking advantage of the fact that babies love well presented purees. Wait, no they don't, that's insane. Nonetheless, his pandering to the judges pays off, once again. No, I'm not bitter at all.

Quickfire Winners

Tamesha (Daddy, +3): Finally Daddy's second round pick surfaces, impressing with her salmon and vegetable chowder. Perhaps Tamesha is yet to make some noise in this competition, despire her initial quiet.

Kenny (Gracie, +3): Another contestant used to the winner's circle, Kenny takes down $10,00 with his curried chicken with mango salad. More bragging rights in the continuing Kenny/Angelo feud, no doubt, though Gracie can be proud of her team's performance in the challenge.

Elimination Challenge

After lacking inspiration in the first challenge, the producers have a brainwave for the Elimination Challenge. The chefs divide themselves into pairs, and have to cook three dishes. The top two pairs at each point pass the challenge and stop cooking, while the bottom team after all three rounds (both chefs) will be eliminated. The first dish is breakfast, the second dish is lunch, and the third lunch is dinner... with the twist that it is meant to be targeted at Hilton guests (thankyou sponsors!). Featuring amongst the judges are DC-area locals (and former Top Chef contestants) Spike, Brian Voltaggio, and Mike I. There is a quick frenzy to pick partners, and with that, we're off!

Due to the slightly different format of the competition, we will be awarding 2 points to each chef who is part of a winning pair, 6 points to each chef who is part of the winning dish, and -1 point to each chef in one of the final bottom pairs, whether they were eliminated or not. Got that? No? Too bad!

Elimination Challenge Finalists: 1st Round

Stephen (Gracie, +2) and Amanda (All-Star, +2): Stephen and Amanda appeared to be chefs no one wanted to pair with. When I saw Amanda paired with Stephen, my first thought was "kiss of death", having no faith in that man's ability to cook. Was I wrong? Absolutely, as the underdogs come out swinging, being one of the first pairs to be released for their tasty breakfast. Will this be a springboard for Stephen for further greatness? I say no.

Tiffany (Saunter, +2) and Tim (Garthmeister J., +2): Should Garth take solace from this effort by Tim? No. Pretty clearly Tiffany regarded Tim as the weak link in the pair, and she needed to pull him through. She was successful in her efforts, but this does not look good for Garth. Saunter can be encouraged that though her top two picks have been disappointing, she may have a genuine sleeper in Tiffany.

Elimination Challenge Finalists: 2nd Round

Angelo (All-Star, +2) and Tamesha (Daddy, +2): The only shock with this pair was that they weren't on top in the first round. Another thing to watch was that Angelo chose Tamesha as his partner. It seems that Angelo wouldn't mind sharing his secret sauce with the young chef, but I find it hard to believe that lust alone would make Angelo choose a weak chef to pair with.

Alex (Saunter, +2) and Ed (Daddy, +2): OK, how did this team come together? Previously in this season Ed has sounded off on Alex, so I can only imagine that that footage was taken after this challenge. They managed to screw the pooch royally in the first round, not getting their hollandaise to the plate, and also forgetting to plate a major component of their brekky. Despite these mis-steps these kitchen bitches hug it out, metaphorically at least, and save their own bacon at lunch.

Elimination Challenge Winners

Kelly (Garthmeister J., +6) and Andrea (Daddy, +6): These two ladies get their act together, and avoid going home. Despite underperforming in the first two rounds their Braised beef short rib, chevre-scented polenta, roasted shiitake mushrooms and citrus gremolata was enough for them to take down top honours for the Elimination Challenge.

Elimination Challenge Losers

Kenny (Gracie, -1) and Kevin (Saunter, -1): I am not sure how Kenny wasn't able to muscle his way through earlier. Of interest was that we saw a lot of footage of Kenny and Kevin adding horseradish to their braised beef short rib. Kevin was complaining that Kenny kept adding horseradish to the dish though he thought there was enough. The judges' main complaint? Not enough horseradish. Sorry Saunter, Kevin sucks.

Eliminated

Arnold (All-Star, -1) and Lynne (Gracie, -1): Arnold. Arnold, Arnold, Arnold. This promising chef is finally taken down by Lynne, from the Culinary Institute. Lynne claims to know how to cook fresh pasta, despite Arnold's repeated pleading for them to get it cooking. Alas it fell on deaf ears, and pineapple red curry mussels with squid ink pasta is the last dish they serve in this competition. All-Star must be gutted, know that his sleeper has gone out in such ignominious fashion.

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Points Table

Daddy: 14.5 (+13)
All-Star: 14 (+4)
Gracie: 8 (+5)
Garth: 5.5 (+7)
Saunter: 0.5 (+2)

Daddy has a monster week, striking big with all three of his chefs, and is staking his claim to the title. Garth also did well, with Kelly doing all the heavy-lifting, but unless Tim lifts his game, he is going to be in trouble. Gracie lost one of her weaker chefs, and right now her hopes lie with Kenny. All-Star still has two quality chefs, but lost his looming sleeper. Saunter has all three chefs remaining, and maybe looking to Tiffany to bring her glory. These next few weeks are going to be important, as the competition starts to sort itself out. Stay hungry, my friends!

Top Chef DC Recap 3: Grillicious

2010-07-06T18:31:00.002-05:00

With the draft over, everyone gets to see if their culinary judgment was sound. Is Angelo really the favourite to win it all? Does anyone know anything about Lynne? Is Tracey definitively the worst chef remaining? Let's find out!

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Quick Fire Challenge

As blatant shilling for their new Top Chef spinoff, Top Chef: Just Desserts, Bravo trot out Gail (the hostess of the spinoff) along with the Chef co-host Johnny Iuzzini, who apparently really likes rockabilly. Given the set-up, it is inevitable that we're getting a dessert challenge. And we are. The contestants need to make a pie, which naturally causes everyone to freak out and panic.

Quickfire Losers

Alex (Saunter, -0.5): There's no reason to pile on all the chefs here, this was clearly something out of most of their comfort zones. Alex came up with a white cocolate, tapioca and chevre pie. The judges quizzed him about whether there was an egg in the filling, and when Alex replied in the affirmative he was informed that he had just made a quiche. That is exactly the point in time when Alex realised he wasn't winning the challenge.

Tracey (Garthmeister J., -0.5): As opposed to Alex, the exact moment Tracey realised she wasn't winning the challenge was the moment Arnold alerted her to the fact her pie was burning. Unless she realised it as soon as the challenge, despite her having "former pastry chef" on her resume. She gamely makes another pie, but unfortunately this second blueberry-almond pie, though unburnt, still sucks.

Ed (Daddy, -0.5): Ed had a great idea for a pie. A banana cream pie. To me, that sounds tasty, and if Ed had walked up to me and said "hey, want some banana cream pie?" I would say "fuck yes, that sounds great!". If Ed then added "it comes with salted peanuts and spuma" I would then say "urgh, no, and also what is spuma, I said no right?". Ed comes up with the brilliant plan to explain that this is how his grandma makes it, but the judges see right through him and his spuma.

Quickfire Finalists

Kelly (Garthmeister J., +1): Apparently Kelly is not a one-taco wonder, doing a solid job with her raspberry and chocolate ganache tart, which looks fantastic. Kelly did claim that opening up a restaurant at some extremely young age means she can do anything, so we'll see if that holds up.

Stephen (Gracie, +1): Stephen recovers from the abuse he took during the draft (from me), and scores with his curried apple pie. That'll show me. MGM Grand, represent!

Quickfire Winner

Kenny (Gracie, +3): If someone said to me "I have a great idea for a pie! It will feature Chinese 5 Spice!", well I would not eat that pie. Even if it was a bananas fosters pie. Kenny has gone and proven my anti-Chinese-five-spice-in-pie-even-if-it-is-a-banana-fosters-pie bias to be wrong and even wronger, by taking this challenge down. This was the first blood for Kenny, who has loomed as a potential challenger to Angelo, without actually winning anything. Until now. Gracie grabs the points with glee.

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Elimination Challenge

What do you think of when you think of Washington DC? That's right, you think of interns. Top Chef decides to celebrate this by having a grilling challenge at some place called Mount Vernon, so they can feed a horde of interns. I sure hope these chefs know how to use a grill!

No, a lot of the chefs do NOT know how to use a grill. For shame. Hope they don't fuck up the food, which needs to be cooked! On a grill!

Oh dear.

Elimination Challenge Finalists

Ed (Daddy, +2): Did Ed think back on his use of spuma in his banana cream pie with regret? Probably. Did he second guess himself after Colicchio thought his dish for the Elimination Challenge sounded too busy? Definitely. Was Daddy pumped when Ed made the top 4 with his tuna loin sandwich? Abso-fucking-lutely. We'll see if Ed finds his sea legs, because if he does he could make some noise in this competition.

Amanda (All-Star, +2): During this episode we learned that Amanda is an ex-junkie. We also learn that she believes in "Prison Rules" when it comes to the kitchen. We also learn that a lot of the other chefs enjoy making fun of her. Let's just say, if next week we discover a few chefs have gone missing... well, I'm sure you can put the pieces together. The ex-junkie thing goes some way to explaining the sherry-chicken thing. And despite every other contestant recoiling in horror at her technique, Amanda does herself proud with her ribs and asparagus, which Angelo (much to his shock) professes to love. Go figure. All-Star looks like a savant with this pick, though she might be a boom or bust kind of chef.

Angelo (All-Star, +2): Kenny pointed out earlier in the episode that he notices that Angelo seems to trot out Asian flavours all the time, but hey - those Asian flavours win. Speaking of Asian flavours, Angelo made a Vietnamese lettuce wrap and a smoked egg salad. At this point it's not a surprise to see Angelo in the final four, it's just a surprise not to see him win.

Elimination Challenge Winner

Arnold (All-Star, +6): BAM! All-Star gets Elimination Challenge points from all three of his chefs, including the winner... and the winner wasn't even Angelo! Quite the start, and even better when his winning chef was the one blanching about grilling, and had to ape the movements of Kenny to even get his grill lit. But lit the grill was, and tasty his sesame lamb meatball with gazpacho and tabouli. I have to admit, when I saw a picture of the meatball it did indeed look great, and so it was.

Elimination Challenge Losers

Tim (Garthmeister J., -1): Tim claimed to love grilling. Tim claimed to have a secret weapon: a rub used in his restaurant. Unfortunately, the rub must suck, as his pork two ways was shot down by the judges. This was not what Garth was looking for from his first pick in the draft.

Kevin (Saunter, -1): Another first round pick, Kevin disappointed with his Puerto Rican skirt steak, which was apparently inspired by his in-laws. These top round picks have to deliver, as one can't rely on your lower picks to be top-shelf. Unless you're All-Star, apparently.

Stephen (Gracie, -1): This time, the MGM Grand does not represent. After announcing that "fish is his thing", Stephen then produces a mediocre bacon-wrapped sea bass dish. I have the feeling that Stephen has the capability to continually be bad enough to be one of the poorest dishes, but not quite bad enough to be eliminated - a worst case scenario for Gracie.

Eliminated

Tracey (Garthmeister J., -1): Ah, Tracey. The chef who was picked last turned out to have been indeed the least talented chef remaining. Showing an extremely amateurish approach in most challenges, Tracey decided to make sausages. "Easy," she said. When she ran out of time she decided to make sliders. Unfortunately the slides were seasoned completely incorrectly, overloading them with fennel, made them too large, and then undercooked them. This was enough to send her on her way, and Garth might count himself lucky to only lose a grand total of 1.5 points.

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Points Table

All-Star: +10
Gracie: +3
Daddy: +1.5
Saunter: -1.5
Garth: -1.5

Everyone should be frightened. If Angelo continues to deliver, while Amanda and Arnold keep chipping in, All-Star could be hard to catch. Gracie and Daddy had their top picks do something, but Saunter and Garth must be scratching their heads. Tracey did indeed turn out to be the 15th pick, but is Andrea next on the chopping block?

Guest Post: Saunter's Fantasy Top Chef Draft Notes

2010-06-29T18:53:00.003-05:00

With the Top Chef Fantasy Draft so early on in the season, most cheftestants have not yet seen the spotlight. There is no way to tell who is generally good (save Angelo, unfortunately) and there may be critical faults that haven’t shown thus far. That being said, I spent a lot more time studying up for the draft, digging around to get a little more background on the picks. The following are my notes that I used in the draft. Who knows if it will help, but it will at least be amusing to look back at once we do know more about the cheftestants. I’m happy with my picks, as no matter where one was in the draft, you never know everything about the chefs you chose.
~Saunter

These notes on the cheftestants are in order from first to worst, including those eliminated in the first two episodes:

Kenny Gilbert - 36 - Decent, with variety and leadership - Won First Speed contest, Elimination 1
His cuisine ranges from American Regional, Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese, Italian, Middle Eastern, Indian, Native American, Moroccan and African. Chef de Cuisine at the young age of 23 at The Grill at The Ritz-Carlton in Amelia Island, FL. Good at teamwork/training. Makes very complex dishes.

Angelo Sosa - 35 - Preppy - WINNER QF1 & EC 1, WinQF2 (w/Tracey)
Worked at Jean Georges, Dune and Spice Market, where he served as Executive Sous Chef. Shortly thereafter, he was invited by Alain Ducasse to create a special seasonal menu at his Paris restaurant Spoon Food & Wine. Owns a sandwich shop. Says it’s a mental game and is good at it. Knows what judges want.

Kevin Sbraga - 31 - Won First Speed contest, Elimination 1
A self-proclaimed “beast in the kitchen” with unrivaled knife skill. Winner of Best Meat Presentation at Bocuse d’Or USA. This African American, Italian chef declares he’s the “Barack Obama of the cooking game” and wants to prove that “he can.” Seems Gangsta.
Has watched previous seasons. Clean and simple American “with french technique” while having fun.

Timothy Dean - 39 - Looks good - Won First Speed contest, lowest E1 (strong group)
12 years working on and off with the late, great chef, Jean-Louis Palladin; worked alongside other notable chefs including Alain Ducasse, Roberto Donna, Guenter Seeger and Patrick Clark
“Plans to stay true to the game” has flavours and philosophy of food. Has studied previous seasons.

Alex Reznik - 33 - Good, won Elimination 1
Works Las Vegas at the legendary, five-star restaurant, Lutecé. During his tenure as chef at multiple Bally's/Paris resort restaurants, Alex met famed nightlife entrepreneur, Ivan Kane. The two discovered a shared philosophy for great food and impeccable service. Alex's philosophy is to marry local, seasonal ingredients with classic French techniques to create honest, Californian bistro cuisine. A bit cocky about tasting and replicating dishes, but could be good in challenges.

Lynne Gigliotti - 51 - Assistant Professor, Culinary Institute of America - Meep!
she teaches Cuisines of Europe and the Mediterranean. Single-handedly built her catering and consulting business from a party for 10 people into a half a million dollar upscale & @Watergate - good for challenges like wedding/tastings. Interested in Sustainable agriculture and seafood.

Kelly Liken - 33 - Chick with Cowboy boots - Winner EC2 Lunches
STUPID - A small town girl at heart, she has passed up on offers from heavyweight chefs including Charlie Trotter and Daniel Boulud to stay in Colorado where she feels grounded. Kelly cooks seasonal American cuisine with a strong commitment to locally sourced organic ingredients. Physics major. Has seen the show. Wants to cook with her heart. Has to remind self to “be me”. Can’t handle the heat?

Arnold Myint - 32 - Bow-tie gay - Not really.
Inspired by his mother who has run a successful restaurant for over 30 years. Mixologist and event planner. From Thailand and Burma. Has 3 restaurants. Failed at acting, so he became a chef. WTF.

Tiffany Derry - 26 - Sassy - Could be the annoying stick-along
A native Texan, definitely flaunts the “Don’t Mess with Texas” attitude. She began working in the kitchen when she was 15 at IHOP. Soul - Homey with a Twist. Needs to taste good.
She competed in ACF competitions to help pay for culinary school. Dijon, Creole mustard, champagne vinegar, kosher salt and Creole seasoning are the five ingredients she always has on hand. She could be too dependent on these items. Doesn’t think she can cook with garbage...

Andrea Curto-Randazzo - 39 - Not really.
Has worked at a few restaurants and had honuors from CIA and a few magazines. “Don’t know what the judges are looking for” and thinks more of herself than she can actually do.

Tamesha Warren - 24 - Thin black - Her age could be problematic
Worked at the Jean Georges restaurant in NYC and was honored with gold and silver medals from the American Culinary Federation. Interested in playing with molecular elements, Tamesha cooks modern American food with French and Asian. “Good palate?”

Ed Cotton - 32 - in low
Worked at many restaurants across the country. “Believes cooking is in the blood.” Down to earth and passionate about cooking.

Amanda Baumgarten - 27 - Could be good in low bit ep2
Worked at four different Michelin-starred restaurants including La Tante Claire and Le Gavroche in London and Melisse and Patina in L.A. From there, she went onto become Executive Sous Chef of Paperfish before joining Ford’s Filling Station as Executive Sous Chef. Amanda is a gifted butcher with a distinct sense of flavor and style. Great for challenges. Has messy plates without much thought in ep1, and used cooking sherry in ep 2.

Stephen Hopcraft - 40 - Potential, but can he handle the heat? No sharp knives, meat too thin. Loser in EC1
Playful twist on classic dishes to create cutting-edge food. Has twitches/nerves in interview. Thinks his own self will be his undoing.

Tracey Bloom 33 - Fat. Looks pretty fail - NO (won QF2 with Angelo)
She’s said to be a pastry chef “Modern American” - whatever I like to eat. Local Produce.

Jacqueline Lombard - 33 - ditz says “we’re already tight, good friends” - Loser in EC1
Has a “chic, seasonal and sustainable approach to her work”. More about tasting and reviewing than cooking. Educator and event planner. Doesn’t memorize recipes and acts like the blonde she is.

John Somerville - 42 - Creepy Hippie - NO
His philosophy is “spreading the infectious spirit of cooking!” Only ever worked in the same fail restaurant in MI. Passion and Palate. “Knows what good food tastes like?!” Bold, concentrated flavours, allowing ingredients to “sing their own song”. No culinary school training.

Fantasy Top Chef DC: The Draft!

2010-06-29T15:52:00.003-05:00

With two episodes of the newest season of Top Chef, it was time for our intrepid contestants to draft their teams for Fantasy Top Chef glory. As a reminder, here is the scoring system:

Win Quick Fire: +3 points
Place in Quick Fire: +1 point
Bottom in Quick Fire: -0.5 points
Win Elimination Challenge: +6 points
Place in Elimination Challenge: +2 points
Bottom in Elimination Challenge: -1 point
4th place overall: 10 points
3rd place overall: 20 points
2nd place overall: 35 points
1st place overall: 50 points

Saunter did the honours, and picked names out of a hat to set the draft order:

1. All-Star
2. Gracie
3. Saunter
4. Daddy
5. Garthmeister J.

Drafting was snake-style.
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First Round

No. 1: Angelo (All-Star). All-Star makes the no-nonsense pick, selecting the consensus favourite. The only "slip-up" for Angelo so far was in the most recent Elimination Challenge, which appeared to be nothing more than an attempt to rid himself of a perceived rival. Time will tell if such nefarious tactics are his undoing.

No. 2: Kenny (Gracie). Kenny has been considered the second best chef ever since he blew through the competition in the mise en place that kicked off this season. He has had good showings in all but the last Elimination Challenge, which may not have been his fault.

No. 3: Kevin (Saunter). Kevin got off to a good start, being a finalist in the mise en place, as well as having one of the top dishes in the Elimination Challenge. Saunter is hoping he continues in that vein and remains a contender.

No. 4: Ed (Daddy). A dark horse pick! Ed has not yet made much noise, but his background suggests he may be a contender. Notable for being picked last in the first Elimination Challenge (when the idea was to pick the weakest chefs first), so he at least has the respect of his competitors. Received some criticism for his spiced sweet potato dish in the last Elimination Challenge, but the "not for kids" angle may indicate the judges secretly liked it.

No. 5: Timothy (Garthmeister J.). Garth was all ready to scoop Ed up in this position, but instead selected local boy Timothy. Tim did well in the mise en place quick fire, but stumbled in the first Elimination Challenge. Obviously Garth sees some potential, and is looking for more.

Second Round

No. 6: Kelly (Garthmeister J.). It took until the second round before one of the two Elimination Challenge winners got taken! Kelly is shaping up to be one of the villains of the season, and Garth is looking for her to stomp all over the competition on the way to many more victories.

No. 7: Tamesha (Daddy). Something of a surprise, Tamesha has not yet managed to make her presence felt, but Daddy obviously feels she has what it takes to make a deep run here. It appears from the early episodes that she doesn't feel that comfortable in a team environment, so perhaps the solo challenges will be where she can strut her stuff.

No. 8: Alex (Saunter). Alex appears to have won a few admirers with the deconstructed borscht from the first Elimination Challenge. He was notable mostly in the second episode for being afraid his fingers were going to be cut by his partner. Saunter is hoping that Alex didn't play his trump card first up, and is able to bring more to the table.

No. 9: Stephen (Gracie). Perhaps considered another surprise to be selected this early, Stephen has not yet been on solid ground, being in the bottom of the judging too often for many people's liking. But Gracie stays true to the MGM Grand, and hopes that this sous-chef from Seablue can turn it around.

No. 10: Amanda (All-Star). With his second selection All-Star picks someone who was much further down others' draft boards. Perhaps taking a shine to Amanda's hard-headedness, All-Star hopes she can channel her competitiveness into positive results. The fear is that she will stay wedded to a poor decision like her sherry-braised chicken, and there will be no Jacqueline around to take the fall instead.

Round 3

No. 11: Arnold (All-Star). Rounding out his alliterative team of chefs, All-Star selects Arnold. Arnold has so far performed admirably, while not setting the world on fire, and could definitely be the type of contestant who sneaks up on everyone. A solid third pick for All-Star.

No. 12: Lynne (Gracie). Lynne has been somewhat of an enigma thus far, though she was part of one of the better groups in the last Elimination Challenge. Gracie hopes that Lynne's background as an assistant professor at the Culinary Institute of America at least assures that her technique is sound.

No. 13: Tiffany (Saunter). Tiffany appears to be one of the "nice guys" in the competition, though it still has not been determined whether she will be able to hold her own on the culinary battlefield.

No. 14: Andrea (Daddy). Daddy was a little surprised to find Andrea at fourteen, as both he and Garth had her higher on their draft boards. While not yet making a real mark in this competition, Daddy considers Andrea to be a worthy third chef for his squad.

No. 15: Tracey (Garth). The final chef available, Garth selects Tracey by default. Another of the potential villains of the show (despite opening up about a child at home), Tracey hasn't done much besides realising that she should let Angelo take command if she is paired with him. Time will tell if the lucky last pick will prove to be a winner.

So, to recap, here are the Fantasy Top Chef players and teams:

Team All-Star: Angelo, Amanda, Arnold
Team Gracie: Kenny, Stephen, Lynne
Team Saunter: Kevin, Alex, Tiffany
Team EAT (Daddy): Ed, Tamesha, Andrea
Team Garthmeister J.: Timothy, Kelly, Tracey

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Finally, I neglected to give a rundown of the Bravo fantasy game. So far we have 12 contestants, with Bobby Bracelet pacing the competition, mainly due to Amanda's shenanigans. It's not too late to enter: go here, and use the passcode "Quickfire4267".

Top Chef DC Recap 2: Getting Schooled

2010-06-28T17:58:00.002-05:00

This week was the last episode before the Fantasy Top Chef Draft, giving us all one last glimpse at our potential team members. Would someone rise up to take the number one spot from Angelo? Could we see something that could tip us off to potential sleepers, or a dark horse that could make a deep run?

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Quickfire Challenge

For the Quickfire Challenge we are introduced to the week's guest chef, Assistant White House Chef Sam Kass (which makes me wonder how many staff there are actually in the White House Kitchen). The challenge? The chefs are forced to pair up to make a sandwich within half an hour. Sound easy? Not so fast, tubby. In this challenge the chefs are forced to don a Siamese-Twin Apron (meant to symbolise bi-partisanship in Washington), which only allows each chef to use a single arm. The winning pair obtain Immunity, so it's definitely worth winning (if perhaps not work $20k). The chef pairs are organised by knife-pull, and off we go!

We are then treated to a little montage of chefs struggling for control of the direction of the sandwich, and struggling for control of the apron. Good luck for those pairing chefs who have one left-handed and one right-handed chef. We are also treated to Alex fearing for his fingers, as opposed to Arnold showing complete confidence in his partner.

Quick Fire Losers

Stephen and Jacqueline: Once again we find Stephen and Jacqueline on the bottom, this time for showing lack of creativity. Perhaps both of the chefs were chastened for their "out-there" choices in last week's Elimination Challenge, but that only back-fired. Not good signs for these two early.

Lynne and Tiffany: It appears the sin for Lynne and Tiffany was presenting a sandwich with a lack-lustre texture. I guess they can take solace that their sandwich at least tasted OK?

Quick Fire Finalists

Ed and Kenny: The boys produce an Ahi tuna sandwich with asian slaw, which nets them a runner-up. Once again Kenny shows he has some chops, if falling just short of a win. This is the first rumblings we have heard from Ed, though we can't be sure if he is taking advantage of Kenny's skills.

Quick Fire Winners

Tracey and Angelo: During the challenge we were treated to Angelo mentioning he owns a sandwich shop, so if he doesn't win he should just give up. Naturally, he wins the challenge, with his flounder sandwich with spicy sriracha mayonnaise. Obviously this dude does not look like he needs immunity, but he gets it anyway.

You may notice that I didn't mention Tracey - that's because she cleverly kept the fuck out of Angelo's way. Bonus points to her for admitting she has a crush on Captain Douche, and enjoyed the opportunity to be crammed into the same apron. The immunity may do her some good, and let her get her sea legs in this competition.

Elimination Challenge

This week's Elimination Challenge is an entertaining one; break into teams of four, being responsible for creating a tasty and healthy school lunch for 50 school kids. The hitch? Each team gets the school budget of $2.60 per kid, for a grand total of $130.

The Quick Fire winners get to choose their partners, and Angelo picks Kenny and Ed to be on their team. Given that Angelo and Tracey have immunity, this does seem to be a transparent ploy to put Kenny in the potential firing line if their team's lunch sucks.

Predictably each team seems completely unable to meet their budget, and immediately have to begin compromising. There is also a time constraint for shopping which adds extra pressure, and we see the strong-willed/stubborn/arsehole chefs running rampant over their weaker-willed/simpering/loser team-mates.

Elimination Finalists

Andrea, Alex, Tim, and Kevin: this team managed to produce picnic coleslaw with yoghurt (replacing most of the mayo), grilled apple cider BBQ chicken, mac and cheese with whole wheat crust, skim milk, and low-fat cheese, and fresh melon kebab and orange Chantilly dipped in whipped yoghurt. All of these chefs look somewhat competent, and kudos to them for pulling together a lunch that really seemed to come together as a theme as well. Allegedly the mac and cheese was the weak link, though that seemed to be nit-picking. Right now I could believe that any of these chefs could go deep and do some damage in this competition.

Lynne, Arnold, and Tiffany: this team spent a lot of time bitching, mostly about the eventual winner, which was somewhat amusing. But give them credit for putting the drama aside and creating tasty dishes of black bean cake with crispy sweet potatoes, roasted corn salad with cilantro-lime vinaigrette, and caramelised sweet potatoes with sherbet. Arnold in particular seemed intent on letting the judge's know that their team was all in it together, helping each other out. Tom, on the other hand, was vocal about his desire to see each chef take ownership for his or her dish.

Overall EC Winner

Kelly: Let's get this straight: Kelly wanted to do her dish, and fuck everyone else in her way. She was also determined to let Tom and the other judges know that she was responsible for her dish. Her reward: taking it down with her pork carnitas tacos (using oats for her home made tortillas). She definitely may have made an enemy or two from her team, but I think Kelly is comfortable being the villain. Let's see if her will-to-win is enough to get her further in the competition.

Elimination Challenge Losers

Tracey, Angelo, Kenny, and Ed: That's right, Angelo didn't win this one. However, Tom out and out says that he thinks Angelo tried to sabotage his own team. Unfortunately for the douchemeister his evil plan is foiled when Kenny and Ed show themselves to not be crap enough to fail. To be fair, Angelo wasn't able to find a whipping gun do to finish his celery stick/peanut butter... thing, but that was a pretty shoddy dish. The major issue seems to be that the whole lunch isn't healthy enough, lacking in vegetables - something that Kenny and Ed should have highlighted since they knew Angelo and Tracey had immunity. Ed seems to be the one in the firing line for his sweet potato puree, but the issue seems to be that the judges thought that it might be too spicy for children; this appears to be code for the fact that they kind of liked it. Fortunately for Ed, the other team is full of fail, and he is in the clear.

Amanda, Stephen, and Tamesha: First let me say that Amanda is fucking lucky to still be here. As soon as she said that she wanted to make sherry-braised chicken, her team was DOOMED. Not only did the sherry crush the team's budget (forcing a number of compromises) but as it was the cornerstone of her dish you knew she wouldn't give it up. Add that to the fact that she was serving a dish featuring sherry to children, and then managed to make it look like ass, and it is a minor miracle that she is still here. Stephen's rice looked dodgy as well, though more incompetent than anything, and I fear he is not long for this show. Tamesha made a bean and tomato salad and just looked angry the whole time. No one on this team impressed me, and to be honest, only Tamesha looks like doing anything at all, and that might be a reach.

Eliminated

Jacqueline: Let's get one thing clear: Jacqueline got hosed. Having said that, let's get this second thing clear: she deserved it. From the first two episodes it seemed she was out of her element. Given her performances running up to this Elimination Challenge, you would have thought she would have fought tooth and nail for her dish. Instead she was steam-rolled by Amanda and her sherry chicken, forcing her to produce a chocolate and banana pudding that didn't feature any chocolate since they ran out of money. To make up for the bland and starchy pudding Jacqueline decided to add a shit-ton of sugar, which flies in the face of the whole "healthy food for children" angle.

Good riddance to her - if she wasn't gone this week she was gone shortly thereafter. But Amanda should be thanking her lucky stars.

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So, with two episodes in the books how will our Fantasy Top Chef Draft go down?! All I know is that it's fortunate that no one will be saddled with Jacqueline. But I'm sure as hell not going out of my way to cook sherry-braised chicken any time soon.

Ivey vs Chen vs Me

2010-06-22T19:54:00.002-05:00

As those of you of a poker persuasion might know by now, Phil Ivey has just managed to snag bracelet #8 in the WSOP $3k HORSE tournament, taking down Bill Chen heads up. What you might not know was that at one point I was seated between these two during the 2-7 Triple Draw event this year. That day Chen was the victor, busting Ivey with his wheel (23457) vs Ivey's smooth 8 (23458).

I did not win either tournament.

Top Chef Recap I: Mr Colicchio Goes to Washington

2010-06-21T19:36:00.006-05:00

Ah yes, it's here. Top Chef once again hits the airwaves, and once again I will be throwing down some thoughts ahead of the Fantasy Top Chef Draft, to be held some time between episode 2 and episode 3 of this season. My fellow competitors, Gracie, All-Star, Daddy and Saunter are composing their Big Boards as we speak, ready to try and wrest the Top Chef Fantasy trophy from yours truly.

As a quick reminder, come and join us at Bravo's take on Fantasy Top Chef. We have ten competitors and counting: click here to join the group (passcode is "Quickfire4267"). First prize is an Aussie Tucker pack (contents TBD) unless you are Jules, in which case you get a Seppo's Food Bag. Scoring in the Bravo game doesn't start until this week, so get in there!

Alright, enough pre-amble. Let's get down to business!

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Quick Fire Challenge

We begin the new season on a roof top in downtown DC (the roof, it seems, belongs to the Newseum in DC). It all looks nice and swanky, a little cocktail party for some random staffers from The Hill. All the chefs stand around "getting to know each other", aka "trying to outdouche each other", with special awards going to Angelo and Tim in this department.

But, it's a trap! Padma and Tom show up, and it's on, once again, in a "mise en place" challenge. Who got forgot last season, when we got to enjoy Preeti cutting herself open as she didn't know how to prepare mussels?

This season the "mise en place" challenge is worth $20k, immediately pissing off every other contestant on every previous season of Top Chef. The stages of the challenge are "peeling potatoes", "brunoising onions", and "breaking down chickens", with chefs being eliminated after each stage. The final four chefs are required to produce a dish using the three ingredients they prepared along the way.

Let's talk about peeling potatoes. In the episode all the chefs use knives to peel their potatoes. I assume they weren't allowed to use peelers (or no one had a peeler in their knife rolls). Back in the day, I worked as a kitchenhand (lovingly referred to as a "Dish Pig") as my job during University. This means I have peeled a lot of potatoes. And given the option, I would use one of these bad boys:

The glorious Y-Peeler, allowing me to destroy innumerable numbers of 40-lb bags of potatoes, not to mention carrots, sweet potatoes, and parsnips (though seriously: fuck parsnips). Get one of these and make peeling vegetables as easy as possible.

The chefs on hand make (mostly) short work of the "mise en place", with Kenny in particular blowing through each challenge in an insanely short amount of time. Interestingly, from reading Tom Colicchio's blog, there were chefs who turned up to the challenge with unsharpened knives. This blows my mind.

Quick Fire Losers

This goes to everyone who didn't make the final four, though special disdain must go to those who thought that having blunt knives was a good way to start off the season. As soon as the $20k figure was mentioned they must have felt even dumber than they were already.

Partial credit goes to Tim, Kevin, and especially Kenny, who destroyed everyone in the "mise en place" and finished runner-up with his dish.

Quick Fire Winner

Angelo: Backing up his douchey ways, Angelo comes through with his roasted wing & thigh, curry onion jam, and potato noodles. Apparently the roof top was windy, and all the chefs only used a low burner, with a "significant time constraint", but Angelo's dish looked pretty tasty. To celebrate, Angelo tells the camera that he wishes to be the first ever Top Chef contestant to win every challenge. It's almost refreshing to see that he is a douche to the bone.

Douche.

Elimination Challenge

The Top Chef producers decided to have the season during Spring in DC, which is a good decision for the weather alone. Spring in DC means cherry blossoms, and as part of the celebrations the chefs are instructed to produce dishes for 300 folks at the Festival kick-off party. In addition, the dishes are meant to reflect where each chef comes from. Bad decisions ahoy!

The chefs are divided up into groups, with each group created by one of the four Quick Fire finalists choosing competitors one-by-one. This is a nice way of creating tension as people assume they are getting dissed (which they are) when they are picked early. Sow those drama seeds, so we may reap them at our leisure!

Elimination Winners

Kevin: Hailing from the Mid-Atlantic, Kevin produces lamb with lemon and pistachio marmalade and spring onions. Lemon and pistachio marmalade sounds pretty good to me, and I love the hell out of lamb, so I'm all for it.

Kenny: The demon of the "mise en place" challenge, Kenny from Colorado is also proving he can cook. His dish was cinnamon-coffee rubbed trout, black bean mole, goat cheese polenta, and quinoa. When I first saw/heard that dish, my first inclination was to assume that it was way too busy with too much going on; at best it would be an ambitious miss, and at worst be a cacophonous mess. Instead Kenny ended up top of his group, proving he may be someone to keep an eye on.

Alex: Alex claims heritage from both Russia and California. This was inspiration enough for him to come up with deconstructed short rib borscht. The first Elimination Challenge of a Top Chef season is not where I expect to see someone bust out a "deconstruction", let alone a "deconstructed borscht", let alone a successful one. Out of all the dishes, this is the one I wanted to taste most. I salute you Alex, and am beginning to hope that you go far in this competition.

Overall EC Winner

Angelo: Mr Douche, from Connecticut, goes 2-0 on his quest for the perfect Top Chef season, wowing the judges with his Arctic char with pickled shallots, tapioca, and bacon foam. Things I am not surprised to see this early? Bacon, and foams. All credit to Angelo for busting out these proven judge pleasers this early, and I look forward to him producing some combination of bacon and foam for the next ninety seven episodes.

Elimination Challenge Losers

The group challenges, where a winner and a loser from each group are picked, are somewhat unfair. Get saddled with a tough group, and you might be tarred with the Brush of Loserdom, despite the fact that you may have produced a decent dish that just fell short of the mark. Alternatively you might produce a great dish, but just get edged out of the top four. Extra credit must go here to Arnold (Thailand and Tennessee), who received a shout-out from Gail on her blog for his kaffir lime and thai basil cake, which was not only a dessert (gasp!) but also tasty.

Tim: Tim, from Maryland, was the only member of the final four from the Quick Fire challenge who did not also make the top four of the Elimination Challenge. To be fair, from reading inbetween the lines it seems he was in the strongest group. Eric Ripert scolds him, but more in disappointment rather than disdain. (Quick aside: Eric Ripert! Beats the hell out of Toby the Annoying Brit as the fourth judge. Also: I live within walking distance of Riper's West End Bistro, which I should visit).

Stephen: Being from Ohio, Stephen decides to prepare potato-encrusted ribeye (so far so good), but decides to deep fry it (so far so bad). Like Hector from last season, Stephen learns the hard way that there is no better way to ruin a good steak. Stephen also proves that other than not sharpening their knives, there are some Top Chef contestants out there who steadfastly refuse to watch previous seasons. Good job!

Jacqueline: Jacqueline declares herself a pate master. She decides the best way to show off her New York-dom is to prepare a chicken liver and port wine pate, which she has made "hundreds of times". Her first mistake is to attempt to save time by not straining the pate, ensuring it has a horrid texture. To her credit, she realises that this is an error, but it doesn't stop her from doing it anyway. Her second mistake is to present the dish as being "low fat", which immediately puts all the judges off her dish. Her third mistake is to complain at Judge's Table that she didn't have her recipe handy. Despite all these mistakes, she lives to fight another day.

Eliminated:

John: There will be some who are unhappy that John, the hippy dippy freakshow from Michigan, was the first to go, as he was clearly the most likely contestant to produce "trainwreck television". Everyone else will be happy that he is the first to bite the dust, reducing the amount of Top Chef nightmare-fuel by an order of magnitude.

Despite winning multiple James Beard nominations, John stumbles immediately out of the gate. Like the plucky and fabulous Arnold, John decides to go for one of the Top Chef "Kisses of Death": dessert. He produces a maple mousse napoleon, which contains two fatal ingredients: pre-made puff pastry that sucks, and a distinct lack of maple.

It is clear from the Whole Foods montage that John was always intending to use pre-made pastry, which is somewhat confusing (if you forget that he is clearly batshit insane). Declaring at Judge's Table that the pre-made pastry let him down was also not a smart move, as all it proves to judges is that you made fuck-all, and that the fuck-all tasted like "not maple", despite his declaration when presenting his dish to the judges that "maple flows through the trees" (or something like that) in Michigan.

My theory is that John came up with the "maple flows through the trees" line, and figured that the awesomeness of that line was enough to impress the judges, neatly forgetting that his dish should a) be good, and b) taste of maple. For that he, his knives, and his dreadlocks, are sent home.

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So far so good, though all 16 of the remaining chefs haven't had enough chances to shine. With one episode to go until we make our draft picks, hopefully we'll have a chance to see more of the so-far unseen chefs. Right now Angelo would be the consensus number 1 pick; will anyone be able to unseat him?

Fantasy Top Chef II: This Time It's War. And you can join in!

2010-06-16T09:24:00.005-05:00

Friends, it is that time once again. Forget the World Cup, our true national past-time is upon us: Top Chef! This year our intrepid contestants are in... Washington DC! I for one am looking forward to spying local landmarks, as well as identifying new eateries to hit.

Along with a new season of Top Chef comes a new season of Fantasy Top Chef, the trail-blazing geekathon for pathetic foodies such as myself. This time around we have slightly tweaked the set-up; rather than just myself, Daddy, and Saunter, we have added in All-Star and Gracie! Our current plan is to hold the draft after the second episode, giving us all a chance to get a little acquainted with the new chefs before making our selections. There are 17 chefs to start with, so hopefully there will be 15 remaining when we make our picks, allowing us to choose 3 each. Scoring will remain the same as last season, pending any last minute alterations.

But! This doesn't mean that you, you food-loving fantasy-enjoying internet denizen you, can't join the party. This season Bravo have come up with their own Fantasy Top Chef game (don't worry, I have contacted my lawyers). Sure it includes such categories as "Shown at Whole Foods check-out" rather than just food-based categories, but hey!

I have created a private group: "Disco Finery Diners". If you wish to join the group, head to this link, or search for the group name. The passcode for the group is "Quickfire4267". You will have to register, but the good news is that you don't actually have to fill out any of the personal info, just leave it blank (if you wish), and move on.

Each week you pick 3 chefs that you think will score the most, so make sure to get those picks in before each episode.

An Aussie Food Prize Pack will go to the winner (contents of Aussie Food Prize Pack to be determined, depending on distributors I can find online and the current state of food importing laws). So, get cracking!

UPDATE: It looks like the first episode will not be scored in the Bravo Fantasy Top Chef Game. From their Dashboard page: "Take note that the first episode of the season (Wednesday June 16th, 9/8c) will NOT be scored. This gives everyone a chance to get in on the action and to learn a little about the chefs before the game begins."

You may still be able to choose some chefs for the first episode, just for the hell of it. Not sure at this stage.

2010 Garthmeister J. WSOP Recap

2010-06-09T09:41:00.003-05:00

My 2010 WSOP jaunt is already over. The early scheduling of the limit Triple Draw event meant I was in and out of Vegas before most had decided which World Series events they were going to play. In some ways it was good to get in early and getting to meet with the crew covering the Series before they were well and truly jaded. In most ways it's bad, as I no longer have a summer trip to Nevada to look forward to.

Enough preamble. How did I do? Instead of embarking on a multi-thousand-word blow-by-blow excruciatingly-precise overly-hyphenated re-cap, let's break this thing down by gambling category. It will still be multi-thousand-word, naturally.

NLHE SnGs: -$955

To be fair, the folks at the Rio have done a fine job organising the gargantuan convention space this year. The Amazon Room is still being used, but they are also using The Pavilion, which happens to make the Amazon room look small (really). In doing so they have also increased the size of the throughways in the rooms themselves, improving the ability for players and railbirds to move around.

The Amazon Room is used mostly for hosting events that are in the their second day or later. The Pavilion is divided into a few areas, hosting Day 1 of most events, plus a large section for cash games, and another section for SnGs.

The SnGs are legendarily soft. Coming in several price brackets, usually from $125 up to $525, they go off 24 hours a day. Immediately upon landing in Vegas on Saturday afternoon (May 29) I met up with CK and headed to the Rio. After looking around and getting somewhat acclimatised, I decided to kick off by playing some NLHE SnGs.

I played two $175 SnGs on Saturday, two $175 and one $275 SnG on Sunday. In three of the five SnGs I busted when I lost a coinflip with 4 remaining. This was extremely annoying as the payouts for the $175 SnGs was three $500 lammers, plus $120 in cash, making it very conducive for a three way chop. In other words: I managed to bubble in three of the five tournaments by losing coin flips. In one other SnG I had a very similar situation; with 6 remaining I was in late position with AKo and isolated an all-in shorty. Unfortunately the dude to my immediate left woke up with Aces.

Oh, the last SnG? The $275 edition? I played like a donkey. Enough said.

All in all I dumped $955 in these things, only recouping $20 on a last longer bet. Are these things juicy? Yes. Is my SnG game rock-solid? No. If I played these things for the long haul, do I believe I would be profitable? Yes. Do I think I would be more profitable doing other things? Probably. Is it fun asking questions of myself? Yes.

O8 SnGs: +$345

Spoiler: they don't just run NLHE SnGs at the Rio. On Sunday afternoon, the $1500 O8 event was running, and the Rio started offering $175 O8 SnGs. I had no real intention of playing in one of these, until I was stuck in the SnG registration line and the floor was trying to sell two last seats in one. All of a sudden my hand was going up, and I was sitting down to join a table which easily had the oldest aggregate age of anywhere in the entire Pavilion (and perhaps Vegas itself).

As can happen when one is rusty at O8, I found myself bleeding chips early. Two missed pots later, and I found myself holding 175 chips (from a starting stack of 1000), with 9 people still remaining. So it was time to pick my spots, be aggressive, and get lucky. And that's how I ended up chopping three-ways while holding the slight chip lead. The decision to chop was an easy one, given that the start time for the $1500 O8 event was fast approaching, the blinds were huge, and I had come back from 175 chips.

Craps: +$120

One game I seriously jones for when I get to Vegas is dice. It is the one table game I think about as I fall asleep in the days before a trip to Sin City. I avoided learning the game for years, afraid I would like it too much, and it seems I know myself a little too well. Fortunately it appears it hasn't turned into full-time obsession; during this latest trip I only played two sessions, early on in my time in Vegas. I guess I just needed to get it out of my system.

My first session was late on Saturday night, once I had finished up with SnGs. I got a lift from Katkin (who was also about at the Rio) to the MGM, figuring it would be a fun time since it was Fight Night (for UFC 114). It was a solid move, as the casino was still buzzing, and I had to shoe-horn myself into a craps table. It was a fruitful first session, as I finished up $175 when I finally called it quits at 4:30am.

My second session was on Sunday night at the Rio. I had finished donkeying out of my $275 NLHE SnG, and then had grabbed some dinner with F-Train After dinner I realised I was not in the mood for poker. The craps tables came calling, and I answered. This was not a wise move initially, as I was $500 in the hole at one point. But then came the rally, and by the time I was pulled away to the Hooker Bar by AlCantHang and CK, I was merely down $55.

At that point AlCantHang and I proceeded to tie one on. No surprise, really. The only real surprise was when I started knocking back Jameson shots, to go along with the SoCo and Budweiser. This meant I was easily convinced to head to the Gold Coast for my next gambling adventure.

Pai Gow: -$200

This is, at best, an estimate. AlCantHang, myself, and some random drunk dude found ourselves at a $10 Pai Gow table. I was pretty well sloshed at this point, and began sucking down Greyhounds at an alarming rate. I was "that guy" - messing up my bets, slurring all my words, unable to concentrate on my cards. I couldn't even remember to squeeze my cards, Speaker-style.

I wasn't actually sure whether I left money on the table, or just got up once I lost what I had bought in for, but post-event analysis with Al confirmed that I decided it was time to leave once I had given away my last chips. At that moment I lurched to my feet, informed Al that "I had to go", and made an unsteady bead for the nearest exit.

Next thing I know, I'm stumbling next to the highway in the bright sunshine. Maybe it was 7am, maybe it was 8am, maybe it was later... I have no idea. I realised it was a ways to the strip, and I decided going back was not an option. No, it would be a better idea to try and flag down a cab on the highway (I learned after the fact it is illegal for cabs to stop in this situation). Eventually a town car stopped for me, and I gratefully hopped inside and overpaid to be taken back to my hotel.

I woke up in my room at 2pm the next afternoon, wearing only my socks. Such things happen after an AlCantHang bender.

Blackjack: -$415

I have a strange relationship with blackjack. It is probably my third-favourite table game, but sometimes I get the urge to play. Of course, if Bobby Bracelet is involved, I am in like Flynn (and then we lose). But then the mood strikes me, or I need to kill some time, or need to wind down, and I find myself at a table.

The Hard Rock now has a crazy mix game every Monday night, hosted by Scott Fischman. This seems to be the latest incarnation of the floating mix game (formerly at the Wynn) that CK introduced me to in January, 2009. After having dinner with CK and a few of her Vegas associates in Monday, I headed off to try and get a seat. Unfortunately the game was full, so I put my name on the list and headed to a blackjack table.

And was summarily punished. It is never a good thing when the dealer is asking if you are sure that you wish to continue, as you are pulling out more money. At one point I was down $500, before once again beginning my rally. Just as the tables were turning, a seat came open at the mix game, so I had to be happy with recouping $285.

My second session of blackjack occurred during the early hours of Thursday. I was still wound up, and needed to relax, so decide to hit the tables at Aria. I immediately set about hitting 20s like it was my job, and was up $500 in half an hour. Unfortunately, I was still wound up. A smarter man would have picked up at that point, and headed to a bar instead, but I am not that man. Instead it took me another 2 hours to blow through my profits and initial stake in a horrendous run of cards. The good news? I was unwound by then.

Mix Games: +$1335

As you might have guessed, this was my biggest positive line item for the trip. As I was sitting down at the Hard Rock on Monday night I had already been kicked in the face by NLHE SnGs, and narrowly avoided similar eviscerations via craps and blackjack. The Hard Rock game is 8-16, and the rotation was as follows: 2-7 Triple Draw, A-5 Triple Draw, Badugi, Baducey, Acedugi, Razz, Stud 8, O8.

The two games I had never played before (but had been given a quick explanation by CK) were Baducey (spelling varies) and Acedugi (aka Badacey). These are split pot games, dealt the same as triple draw (five cards, with three drawing rounds).

In Baducey half goes to the best 2-7 Triple Draw hand, and half goes to the best four card Badugi hand, with Aces being high. This means the best Triple Draw hand is 23457 (as normal), but the best Badugi hand is 2345 (all of different suits). Acedugi is similar, with half the pot going to the best A-5 hand, and half going to the best normal Badugi hand (Ace low); the best Triple Draw hand is A2345, the best Badugi hand A234.

As far as I know, Baducey and Acedugi are both reasonably new variants, but I found them both interesting, and both generated large pots. All positives, in my book.

At any rate, after 2.5 hours the game broke, and I was up $160. Not quite making up for my blackjack misadventures, but a solid step in the right direction.

My next mix game session was a surprise. Tuesday was the day of the Limit Triple Draw event, and despite my best intentions I didn't get a lot of sleep. After a solid breakfast I headed off to the Rio, figuring they might be spreading some Triple Draw SnGs, which might be fun. As I made my way through the SnG area I ran into a friend of a friend who was grinding some NLHE SnGs. He informed me that there was a 10-20 crazy mixed game going, and everyone at the table "looks like they have been up all night".

I sat down at the table at approximately 11:30am. The rotation at that time was 2-7 Triple Draw, A-5 Triple Draw, Badugi, and Baducey. Gold! Within half an hour I was up $600 after hitting a few big pots. My high water mark was +$900, though I finally left at 2:30pm, up $675. I wanted to get some lunch and chill out before the tournament, though I was glad to make some scratch and know that the Rio was spreading exactly the type of game I wanted to play.

When I cruised through the same area of the Rio later that night, I saw the game was still running, but was now 15-30 (a little high for me) and with people who looked like they knew what they were doing. Still, this was the game I wanted to play, though I decided against it that night.

On Wednesday I was back at the Rio around 3pm. There was a list of interest for the crazy mix at 20-40 with about 12 names on it. I asked the guy running the board about it, and he said the list of names was "old" and the game probably wouldn't be getting up. I thought that was kind of weird, and wandered off down the hallway, not sure what to do with myself. I chilled out for a while, thinking about maybe playing a SnG or two, but didn't feel a strong urge for anything in particular. I eventually wandered back to the mixed game area, where the 20-40 game was just starting. Success!

After two or three hands of 20-40 the table collectively agreed to bump the stakes to 30-60 so we could pay time ($7 per person per half hour) rather than having to pay rake. I decided to damn the torpedoes and go for it; 20-40 was the highest I had ever played, so why not go for 30-60? I figured that if I blew through the $1000 I had sat down with I could decide then whether to buy in again, or whether to go and do something else.

The rotation we were playing was the same as the previous day, plus Razz (which has been added late on Tuesday before I left). As it turned out, I felt very comfortable at the table. My high water mark was again +$900, and this included a fold by me in a $1k Badugi pot where I would have taken it down (word on the street was that it was a good fold in the situation, the smarter word on the street was that I shouldn't have been in the hand in the first place).

As it got later I made a couple of mistakes, the table got tougher, and I got legitimately unlucky in a couple of pots. I decided to pull up stumps after 6.5 hours, up $350. It was a very gratifying session, playing the highest stakes I have ever played, against a table of pros, and holding my own.

The next day I returned to the Rio and played another 3 hours of 2-7, A-5, Badugi and Baducey at 10-20. It was another comfortable table, and I booked $150 before heading off to the Hard Rock for Michalski's 1/2 NLHE/PLO game.

NLHE/PLO: -$50

I had played Michalski's NLHE/PLO game last December, which had been a good time. The game runs every Thursday night, and is pretty fun. They have "splashed pots" (where they add $50 to a pot every hour or so), and allow you to run it twice, amongst other things. This night we had some issues with the floor, but overall it's still a nice chance to play a game you don't see spread often. The table I was playing on had some young pros, plus CK, Katkin, Toothless Bob, and Michalski. I bought in for $200, and managed to dump off that buy-in when I couldn't get one of the young pros to lay down his 9 high flush.

My second buy-in went down the toilet in a "splashed pot". Flopping the second nut straight is always a dodgy proposition (even I, a PLO donk, know that much), but with my stack and the extra $50 in the pot I figured it was worth doing it. When my opponent potted it on the turn I figured I was dead, even announcing "this is where I ship you all my money", and so I was and so I did.

Down $400 I pulled out another $200, and then proceeded to double up after I made Michalski lay down a better hand and getting called by a draw that didn't get there. I then got it all in against Michalski and won outright after we ran it twice. When the dust had settled after 6 hours, I was down $50, and I was ready to eat, sleep, and fly out of Vegas.

2-7 Triple Draw (Limit) tournament: -$2500

If you have been reading carefully, you may have realised I did not make the second day of the event. In fact, you may have known way before this, as I actually decided to use Twitter (@discofinery).

For some reason the tournament staff moved the event from the Pavilion to the Amazon room. I happened to be in the Amazon room before the tournament, and saw it happen, else I would have been as confused as anyone else. In the Pavilion itself there was no indication of the move, prompting many folks to turn up late.

Initially only two other folks had turned up, Amnon Fillipi and Bill Chen. Awesome, I thought: we're three-handed, and not only are the other two pros, but pros I have heard of. Just before the tournament started a "Team Pro" from PokerStars arrived at our table, but I had no idea who he was.

We began five-handed, with the one seat being a stack being blinded off. As this was the case, it was no surprise that we remaining players began by playing very quickly. Bill and Amnon seemed like good guys, and we shot the shit a bit as we played.

In the first hour I hit two wheels and two 76s, which was a very nice start. Unfortunately they were the only 7s I would hit all tournament. After the first two hours the stack being blinded off got picked up (as per policy), but sitting down to my immediate left? None other than Mr Phil Ivey. Phil was evidently still playing in the 5k NLHE shootout, but on break, and was none too happy about anything. As soon as he sat down the tension table ratcheted up several degrees, only to return to normal levels once he headed back to the shootout table. He soon came back, finishing 2nd at his shootout table, and he was pissed.

At the dinner break I had just over 10k, which was a reasonable start. While waiting in line for some food I happened to be standing next to two very young couples, who were talking about Ivey.

"Actually, I'm playing right next to him," I said as nonchalantly as possible. One of the girls flipped open her phone and gasped.

"Hey, that's you!" she said, showing me the photo she had taken of our table. I assured her that I was going to be in a lot of random photos of Ivey.

After the break Ivey seemed more relaxed, right up until he was busted by Bill Chen. Replacing Ivey? None other than Todd Brunson. Todd seemed in good spirits, and we had a bit of a chat. I then won a hand against him while holding an extremely rough 9, at which point he began ordering doubles of Grey Goose. It was at about this time that I entered a stretch of not getting any playable hands. I finally had one hand where I thought I had won a pot against Brunson (I was sure my smooth 8 was good, but he had the same hand), followed by a monster pot where I missed my 2357 draw twice. Before I knew it I was all-in with an 87, losing out to Fillipi's 86. I busted halfway through Level 6. Running into Fillipi the next day, he informed me that Hoyt Corkins has taken my seat, and proceeded to tear up the table by hitting 7 after 7. This didn't make me feel better.

It's never fun to bust from a tournament, particularly when you know that the next time you can play a live tournament like this is in roughly 365 days time. All in all it was a fun experience, and getting to play against pros like Ivery, Brunson, Chen and Fillipi is definitely worth the price of admission.

Somewhat in a daze, I headed off to the Hooker Bar, and had a couple of beers with AlCantHang. Having collected myself, I decided to head back to the Amazon Room to see how things were going. Standing outside the room? A very agitated Todd Brunson. He related to me a completely horrible floor decision, which had caused him to lose it. He got on the phone with someone, and finished up by announcing he was going to the bar.

"You coming?" he asked me. Abso-fucking-lutely.

And that's how I ended up drinking until 5:30am at the Hooker Bar with Todd Brunson and Steve Zolotow, with cameos from Gavin Smith and Tom "Donkeybomber" Schneider.

---------------------------------------------

As I said to someone randomly over the course of the week: "It appears I have a leak, and that leak is No Limit Hold'em". It was fantastic to find exactly the type of mix game I wanted to play, and very gratifying for me to be a winning player in the albeit small sample size I played. Once I found the mix game at the Rio, the urge to play anything else dissipated.

I still love to play the Triple Draw event, and will still look to do it again next year if everything falls the right way. Failing that, I may still try and get out to Vegas to play in the mix games.

And who knows, I may still be able to zoom out to Nevada later this summer to try my hand once more at the fabulous games that hardly anyone plays. Not to mention getting my revenge against blackjack...

Locked and Loaded

2010-05-25T15:29:00.002-05:00

I will be bringing the Disco Finery Roadshow to lovely Las Vegas from the 29th of May until the 4th of June. No plans beyond hitting Event #7: 2-7 Triple Draw Lowball (Limit), starting June 1st. I think I may be making my trip to Nevada a little earlier in the year than most, but I hope to see you there.

BBT 5: This Time With More Awesome

2010-05-17T21:56:00.001-05:00

The Reverend Al has done it once again.

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Ozzie Guillen, Twitter, and Poker

2010-03-10T12:00:00.007-05:00

A lot of celebrities, athletes, and poker bloggers seem to be on The Twitter these days, letting people into their unfiltered thoughts and updates regarding such events as NBA All Star weekend or Mastodon. Some of these people are insightful, some of these people are boring, some of these people are intentionally or unintentionally humourous. One of my favourite people to join Twitter Nation recently is none other than Chicago White Sox manager, Ozzie Guillen. Ozzie, known for being an outspoken character, beloved by the media (though perhaps not Jay Mariotti), has proved to be pure gold in this new forum.

Here are a couple of my favourite snippets from Ozzie:

Or maybe this one?

But nearest to my heart is this little drama in two parts, relevant to those of us who enjoy playing cards from time to time.

And then?

Ozzie might be so lucky he once had Scott Podsednik hit a walk-off home run in the World Series, but that's not enough to win if you play cards once a year, which is why playing poker is clearly a game of skill.

WBCOOP Report Card

2010-02-03T12:38:00.003-05:00

Like a few others I know, I was fortunate enough to be able to participate in the WBCOOP on stars. Here's how I performed.

Monday, Jan 25th, NLHE

As the tournament started at 5pm, I wasn't able to make the start. Instead I raced home, saw I had about half a stack, and the promptly got into a blind vs blind situation: my AKs from the small blind running into QQ in the big blind. So, that was quick.

Tuesday, Jan 26th, PLO

I got home at the first break, and busted out so uncermoniously I can't recall the details. Let's just say that Australia Day did not treat me well from a poker playing perspective. Alliteration!

Wednesday, Jan 27th, NLHE

Despite the later start time I was a DNP, coach's decision. Instead Saunter and I relaxed and ordered Z Pizza. Have you tried Z Pizza? You should, if there is one near you. It rules. We recommend the Mexican pizza.

Thursday, Jan 28th, NLHE

Again a 6pm start, which was nice. For the life of me I thought I cashed in this one, for a $16.50 SCOOP ticket. Since I can't verify that from here, let's just pretend that I did, and that I played awesomely (probably not true).

Friday, Jan 29th, 8-game

In DC we were expecting a snow storm, so Saunter and I hunkered down while we drank and I played this event. Have I mentioned that I love the 8-game, particularly when playing a bunch of people who are only used to receiving two cards? Here is my guide to success:

1. Make sure to be seated at a table where everyone else is sitting out.
2. Ensure you have "never show winning hands" selected, and raise as fast as you can
3. Have just under 12,000 chips (i.e. 6 times the starting stack) half an hour into the tournament, when "live" people start joining your table
4. Despite there being only two other "live" people in your table, lose 4,000 chips in PLO as you run your second nuts into the nuts repeatedly.
5. Make it all back, and then some, as you realise people don't know how to play Razz or Triple Draw (OK, you knew that last one)
6. On two separate occasions lose at least half your stack when you didn't notice the game change from Razz to Stud (stupid alcohol!). In one hand I lost 10k to go down to just 10,000 chips, and in another hand I lost 18k to go down to about 10,000 chips.
7. Seriously, twice? I can understand once (maybe)... but twice?!
8. Despite this self-inflicted pain finally bust out in 27th of 1536 (mostly absent) players.

So, that was fun, and a $33 SCOOP ticket for me!

Saturday, Jan 30th, NLHE

This was an interesting event as I never really built a decent stack, and was left to short-stack ninja-ing for most of proceedings. Despite this I was able to finish in 78th of 1939, good for a $11 SCOOP ticket.

Sunday, Jan 31st, Main Event, NLHE

Again I was mostly short-stacking, but ended up busting out somewhere in the 300s. But thanks to the hubris of some joker named MI_Turtle I was rewarded with $1.58, for being one of the 600+ who finished ahead of him. Apparently Mr Turtle (I'm assuming a male) wanted to award $1000 to those who were awesome enough to outlast him. So yeah, that happened.

All in all, not a bad haul, even if my $16.50 ticket is imaginary. Once the SCOOP schedule comes out I'll be seriously tempted by the Triple Draw and 8-game events. Can't wait.

I can't wait until the Top Chef Blogger Championship!

2010-01-22T11:51:00.000-05:00

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker! The WBCOOP is a free online Poker tournament open to all Bloggers, so register on WBCOOP to play.

Registration code: 327812

Not Top Chef-Related, Or "Hey, a Euphonium!"

2010-01-14T13:53:00.003-05:00

At some stage I intend to have a recap of Top Chef, with at least a breakdown of how all the chefs performed in our Fantasy Top Chef scoring system, and perhaps some thoughts on the finale (belated as it is). But not today.

You may be surprised to learn that I have a collection of nerdtastic feeds in my RSS reader. OK, you're not surprised, whatever. Anyhow, a few months ago (courtesy of slashdot, one of the original "nerd destinations" on the internet) I happened across ribbonfarm, a blog written by this guy named Venkatesh Rao. He had written an interesting post called "The Gervais Principle, Or The Office According to 'The Office'". If you haven't come across it yet, check it out.

This morning I read his post reviewing a book by Dan Pink called Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, which is about intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation. Or perhaps more aptly "why giving people rewards for performance makes them do worse". This lead me down the rabbit-hole of internet searches and what-not, leading me to a TED talk he gave. (BTW - TED talks are awesome. Every so often I come across an article or something that references a TED talk, and they never fail to deliver).

In the "Other talks from 'New on TED.com'" list of videos, at the top was a video coming from some guy giving "the euphonium a new voice". Now, back in the day, I actually played the euphonium. It's basically a small tuba, sounding kind of like a trombone but using valves (like a trumpet or tuba does), instead of a slide. So without further ado, the craziest euphonium playing I've ever heard. The internet rules.

-------------------------

In poker-related news, I've actually dabbled a little bit online since coming back from Vegas. I've been trying to grind the baby 8-game on PokerStars, but with so far uninspiring results. I might actually turn to multi-tabling Triple Draw like a crazy person, but we'll see if I get sucked in or not.

Post UIGEA, like many I suppose, I took most of my bankroll offline, and what I did leave online I didn't exactly manage with discipline. I haven't actually joined the Bankroll Challenge (because let's face facts, who knows if and when I'll be distracted by something shiny), but I'd like to get back to my roots and try and put together some semblance of an online roll. The thing I'm trying to avoid is getting frustrated (or drunk, or both) and playing higher than I should, or playing when tired, or deciding to play an $33 rebuy tournament for the hell of it. I'm even keeping a spreadsheet! We'll see if I manage to get anything going, or if I just manage to piss away the remains of my online roll one bad call at a time.

Fantasy Top Chef Update Week 6: Odd Man(?) Out

2009-12-09T13:29:00.004-05:00

After weeks of competition we have our final four, and it's exactly who we expected from early in the season. Somewhat surprising, as you would think that someone would get shafted somewhere, but Kevin, Bryan, Michael and Jen got though unscathed. Now they just have to get through each other. On a train.

Quick Fire Challenge

Really. A train. In Napa. That's where the next challenge is held, as Guest Chef Michael Chiarello tells the chefs they need to create a dish (on a train) featuring grapes. Did I mention they have to cook on a train? Because they do. But if they win? They totally get a Prius (which is not a train). Pretty swanky prize if you ask me!

Train.

Quick Fire Losers

Kevin (Garthmeister J., -0.5): Kevin goes for a dessert, preparing a honey and fromage blanc mousse, glazed grapes, olive oil, and sea salt. It seems the grape got lost in there, somewhere, which does Kevin in. He may have been better server cooking a hunk of pork, and then just putting a pile of grapes next to it. "Here you go, the pork is fucking awesome. Also: grapes." Should be noted that Kevin overcome motion sickness to get the dessert out. Way to man up.

Bryan (Daddy, -0.5): Bryan's dish is roasted hen, bacon, Brussels sprouts, Concord grape reduction, ruby quinoa, and arugula. There seems to be a lot of "not-grape" ingredients here, and you may have noted that one of the ingredients is "bacon"... guess which taste wins? That's right, not grape, and Bryan also does not win. Sorry Daddy.

Jen (Saunter, -0.5): This was extremely confusing. Chiarello tastes Jen's sautéed chicken livers, steamed clams, macerated Cabernet grapes, wild mushrooms, and tendrils and then promptly announces he's stealing the recipe for one of his restaurants. Jen goes "it's all yours", because that's a sweet deal right? One chicken liver recipe for one Prius. Except she doesn't win.

Wait, what?

QF Winner

Michael (Garthmeister J., +3): Despite not having a recipe that Chiarello wants to steal, Michael wins. His dish? A grape leaf stuffed with "couscous," served with a vinegar-glazed grape and scallop kebab, using a grape branch as the skewer. So apparently the challenge was "use as many grape parts as possible" rather than "make a great dish featuring grape". Sorry Jen! Read the competition rules next time, as they are clearly printed inside Chiarello's mind. More points for Garth, and more Prius for Michael.

Elimination Challenge

Do you know what a "Crush" party is? Apparently it's an excuse that wine-related people use to get drunk at the end of the harvest (or some similar-ish time... like whenever they want to get hammered). Anyhoo, the chefs are commanded to create two dishes, one meat and one vege, for 150 people, using local products.

EC Winner

Bryan (Daddy, +6): And there are some points Daddy needed! Pity it's a few weeks late, but good job. Bryan's meat dish: fig-glazed short ribs, celeriac purée, wax beans, and wild arugula. His vege dish: goat cheese ravioli, delicata squash purée and bronze fennel. The judges loved the ravioli, but seemed to think that both dishes were underseasoned, and wanted more "figginess" from the glaze. This all makes sense, since Chiarello says the winner seasoned the food "as close to perfectly as possible". And the winner is Bryan.

Wait, what? (Again).

Seriously, Chiarello seems to be nuts. The only rationale I can think of for using this "seasoned as close to perfectly as possible" nonsense is to further emphasize why the eliminated person got eliminated. Which we will get to. Shortly.

EC Losers

Michael (Garthmeister J., -1): So, who thought Michael would produce a straightforward dish? No one? Well, everyone is correct. His meat dish was turnip soup with foie gras terrine, poached pear, and glazed turnip. He vege dish was vegetable pistou, heirloom tomato coulis, 63 degree egg, and fennel. Michael's turnip dish looked amazing, and apparently it tasted great, though the proportions were off. The vege dish wasn't a hit; there were complaints about the veges being too fine, and the egg not working out. Also: I think Gail kind of hated Michael.

Kevin (Garthmeister J., -1): The dishes in question: grass-fed brisket with pumpkin polenta and marinated root vegetables (meat) and roasted beets and carrots with carrot top puree and San Andreas cheese (vege). Despite my haranguing Kevin to always use meat, it was his vege dish which was the star and the brisket which let him down. The judges' initial responses (meat was ropey, meat was "tinny" - I mean, that sounds BAD) seemed a bit of a head fake, though that has to be balanced by the fact that they all adored his vege dish. But hey, for some reason I thought tinny, ropey meat might get someone eliminated at this stage.

Eliminated: Jen (Saunter, -1 for being a loser, +10 for 4th place): Strange. On one hand, Gail almost instantly complained about the saltiness of her duck (grilled duck breast, braised duck legs, squash purée, and foie gras vinaigrette), but then everyone claimed to love the "duckiness" of the dish. Her vege dish seemed to be taken well (chèvre mousse with honey mushrooms, braised radishes, and basil), though mostly because Chiarello has never eaten cheese and basil together, despite being a professional chef. Seriously, what the hell is up with Chiarello? The way the show was edited, it seemed the death knell for Jen was that she was originally planning to grill the duck over coals, but the coals were too cool; thus instead of being rewarded for realising she was in trouble and going for a great Plan B, she was shafted. And thus explodes Saunter's last chef, netting her 10 points for finishing in 4th.

But worry not, my munchkins, I think I have the answer for this bewildering episode (other than Chiarello being insane): poor editing. Reading the blogs of Tom and Gail , it was clear to them that as soon as they tasted the food that Jen was going home. Given that info, I have to think that either the judges were really reaching for criticism of the other chefs, or that the editors tried to disguise the outcome as much as possible. After all, if Gail takes one bite of Jen's food and goes "well, she's going home", who stays until the end of the episode?

BUT! (hey, another "but", awesome) this still doesn't explain Chiarello's "seasoned the food as close to perfectly as possible" comment, even if they were trying to emphasise the reason for Jen getting the boot. Just very strange all round, without including the rest of the Guest Judge's random actions.

League Table

Garthmeister J.: 40.5 (+0.5)
Saunter: 21.5 (+8.5)
Daddy: 13.5 (+5.5)

And Garthmeister J. officially locks up 1st place! Even if Bryan wins out that only adds 56 points to Daddy's total, bringing him to 69.5. The two runner-ups would receive a total of 53 points for Garth (20+35 for 2nd and 3rd - which would be split between the two - minus one point each for losing), bringing him to 93.5. That means with the finale still to play out, our leaderboard is set: Garth takes 1st, Daddy takes 2nd, and Saunter takes 3rd. This also means that we are all free to cheer for who we like in the finale, though I have to wonder if weeks of cheering Kevin and Michael on will get in the way of Garth embracing Bryan fandom...

Fantasy Top Chef Update Week 6: Higher, Faster, Stronger

2009-12-02T21:15:00.008-05:00

Oh, we're almost there. Will we see the final four be the same chefs identified from about week 2? Or will the Dark Horse Eli gate-crash the party? At least Robin got the boot, after dodging the axe for almost the entire season.

Quick Fire Challenge

The guest chef this week is Gavin Kaysen, who represented the USA in the "Culinary Olympics" aka the Bocuse D'Or. I have never heard of such a thing, but apparently it's a "pretty big deal". Apparently in the competition Kaysen made a ballotine: a protein-in-a-protein-in-a-protein-in-a-protein-in-a-protein-in-a-protein, or something like that. Yes, the obvious thought is of a turducken, the turkey/duck/chicken creation that John Madden used to talk about every Thanksgiving (aside: I wonder if the pre-Thanksgiving timing of this episode was coincidental? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's coincidental).

QF Losers

Note: since there are only four chefs left, there is one winner, and all the rest are losers by default.

Michael (-0.5, Garthmeister J.): Arrogant as ever, Michael decided he would do a terrine (basically layered pressed meat), rather than a ballotine. Apparently Chef Kaysen is not going to let any other chef out-arrogant him, and shoots down Michael instantly for not making the correct dish. Face!

Kevin (-0.5, Garthmeister J.): Kevin's dish featured catfish, shrimp, and scallop. Did you pick out Kevin's failing? That's right, he used seafood. FAIL. Apparently his catfish was also a little dry.

Eli (-0.5, Saunter): Eli's dish was a bit out of left field for me: bacon-crusted breakfast sausage with a six-minute egg. At first blush this seemed a bit like the odd-dish-out, but apparently Kaysen liked the concept... just not enough to make Eli the winner.

Bryan (-0.5, Daddy): Pop quiz: would you like a rack of lamb and some Merguez sausage wrapped in caul fat? I dunno, I wouldn't want to commit to it before tasting some. Apparently it was well executed, but still ends up with a big L for Bryan and Daddy.

QF Winner

Jen (+3, Saunter): Again bemoaning her recent crapitude, Jen decided to make a command decision to return to her roots: seafood. Upon tasting the calamari, scallops, and salmon dish Padma says "Welcome back,", and Kaysen welcomes Jen back to the winner's circle.

Elimination Challenge

For the Elimination Challenge the chefs are informed they will be competing in a cut-down version of the Bocuse D'Or. They will have to produce something called a "regal presentation platter", with a protein and two garnishes. I only wish I knew what that was. The judges? A bunch of Bocuse D'Or related folks, including the son of the founder... and also Thomas Keller. No pressure!

EC Winner

Kevin (Garthmeister J., +6): In a bit of a shock, Kevin takes home the prize in a contest you thought would favour the more fancy-pantsed chefs. Not so! The K-man does this thing, cooking great food, and even decides to experiment with sous vide to up the difficulty rating. Kevin obtains $30k(!), a chance to compete to represent the US in the real Bocuse D'or, and nabs Garth another 6 points.

EC Losers

As there is only one winner, everyone else is a loser.

Bryan (Daddy, -1): Daddy loses points, which is the last thing he needs. Frustrating, as Bryan probably would have taken home the prize if he had time to properly finish his dish. The elder Volt definitely did seem flustered, but even in defeat he showed the class that could cause him to loom in the finals.

Michael (Garthmeister J., -1): Probably the odds-on favourite to take this EC out, Michael managed to flounder by going for a Mediterranean theme that did not quite match the components. Making a dish that doesn't come together is rare for Michael, and he certainly didn't seem happy about the outcome. No need for Garth to worry at this stage; Michael is sure to punching on going forward.

Jen (Saunter, -1): Jen had an extra half hour to cook, the reward for winning the Quick Fire, but it wasn't enough to allow her to win the challenge. She continues to go the fish route, being smart and playing to her strengths, but it still wasn't enough. Nonetheless, encouraging signs for Saunter.

Eliminated: Eli (Saunter, -1): The valiant Eli finally goes down. He seemed a little overmatched in this challenge, and his concerns about being sloppy were not unfounded. Saunter 's hopes of having a second chef sneak into the top four are dashed, and she is left to pin all her hopes on Jen... a dicey proposition at best.

League Table

Garthmeister J. : 40.0 (+4.0)
Saunter: 13.0 (+0.5)
Daddy: 8.0 (-1.5)

After the dust settles and the final four is announced Garth has pretty much locked up the trophy, depending on whether the final episode has three chefs (as expected) or goes heads up, but it looks over at this point.

UPDATE: Casting Call for the Luckbox Last Longer Challenge

2009-12-01T12:19:00.004-05:00

UPDATE: It looks like I will be joining the brothers Penner, in the team provisionally named "Geek Nation". You guys are going to get out-coded so badly.

----------------------------

God Bless the kind folks at PokerStars, and God Bless CJ (who I have never met, actually) for organising the Luckbox Last Longer Challenge. I see the teams are signing up, which is great, except for one thing... I'm not in one yet! I am not on The FaceBook or The Twitter, so don't know exactly who out of the remaining tournament attendees are still unattached.

So! If you are:

a) intending to play the WPBT
b) not yet committed to a Last Longer team
c) would like to ensure that your team is at least 1/3 Australian
d) don't mind if at least 1/3 of your team is not very good at poker

send me a note in the comments, or by alternative technologies (and by alternative I mean not The FaceBook or The Twitter), and we'll see if we can get this party started.

Not convinced? Check out my additional live tournament poker credentials!

Finished in 50th or so of 209* entrants in the $1000 2-7 Triple Draw Lowball (Limit) w/Rebuys at the 2007 WSOP**
Finished in 4th place in a charity tournament at the Hard Rock in 2008 that featured a humongous list of Pros***

Not yet impressed?

* Yes, "50th or so". Poker rewards those with a keen mathematical mind who show attention to detail.

** WPBT event is not a 2-7 Triple Draw Lowball event, so don't expect me to just magically finish in the top quarter of the field. Just saying.

*** Please note: I crippled myself when 4-handed in a battle of the blinds, when I managed to get it all-in against Chip Jett with Q7s. Sure, Chip had 66, but still... ever had a tournament director announcing your action at a final table, and having it sound like this: "And Garthmeister J. is all-in! Chip Jett calls... Garthmeister shows Q7 suited". No? Want to live vicariously through someone who has?

Fantasy Top Chef Update Week 5: Finally!

2009-11-19T13:17:00.002-05:00

A bit tardy with the review of last week's episode, but I am a tardy man. From the starting 17 we are down to 6, and amazingly one of these six is Robin. Given the overall talent level of this season, this is some kind of craziness. Could this be the week she goes home? Please say yes!

Quick Fire Challenge

The chefs head to the Venetian, and are blind-sided by Padma and Nigell Lawson calling the kitchen and demanding room service, in this case some breakfast in bed. Aren't they fancy! Yes, Padma and Nigella are being very fancy indeed. The extra wrinkle is they only have half an hour, so there isn't much room for screwing up.

QF Losers

Robin (Garthmeister J., -0.5): Seriously, every time I write about the losers I can just type in Robin's name without thinking. She is continuously scattered, ill-prepared, and amazingly annoying. This time her crap dish is blintz with goat cheese, caramelized pineapple, and blueberries. I'm pretty sure she said at one point this is her specialty, which makes sense, since her other specialty is sucking. Right now Garth is just praying she gets eliminated before she loses too many points for him, and also causes him to shoot his TV.

Bryan (Daddy, -0.5): Bryan misfires on this one, with his four-minute egg with vanilla buerre fondue, crab, asparagus spears, and corn polenta. The consensus here seems to be "you screwed yourself with the vanilla, dude". Bryan has seemed a little shaky at the moment, but maybe the pressure is getting to everyone (except Robin, who is going to be crap no matter what). Daddy not only doesn't need Bryan causing his total to go down... he really needs Bryan bringing home wins.

QF Winners

Kevin (Garthmeister J., +1): This dude will not quit with the awesome food. This time it's steak and eggs with crème fraiche, aged cheddar, and green onion. Of all the dishes I saw, this is the one I wanted to eat. Kevin + meat = win. Ignoring of course last week, when apparently Kevin - meat = win also. So solving this parallel equations, we... sorry, I can't concentrate, too hungry.

Overall QF Winner: Eli (Saunter, +3): Eli! The big man is making his run, taking home the gold for his fried egg Reuben Benedict with Thousand Island Hollandaise sauce. Points for originality there! Can Saunter bank on Eli being a contender, in case Jen continues to flame out?

Elimination Challenge

For the elimination challenge the chefs all draw knives, getting the name of a casino that they are meant to base a dish on, to serve at a party for 175 people. I was intently watching to see if anyone would get the Imperial Palace, but apparently they didn't flash the big bucks, as they didn't make the cut. The breakdown went like this: Michael (New York, New York), Robin (Bellagio), Bryan (Mandalay Bay), Eli (Circus Circus), Jen (Excalibur), Kevin (Mirage). Seems to me the odd ones out are Eli and Jen, with the "Tier 2" casinoes. On the other hand, I have no idea what I would be making if I had the Bellagio or the Mirage to work with.

Elimination Winners

Bryan (Daddy, +2): Bryan's escabeche of halibut with bouillabaisse consommé, pine nuts, parsley coulis, and garlic chips was good, but not quite good enough. And is it just me, or do a lot of the dishes Bryan has been cooking involve garlic chips?

Kevin (Garthmeister J., +2): Somewhat surprisingly, Kevin does NOT win a challenge. His wild Alaskan sockeye salmon cured in salt and sugar with Napa cabbage and cucumber was a hit, however, particularly the broth component of the dish. I think the issue here was that Kevin didn't use red meat. Maybe I have to adjust my formulas.

Overall EC Winner: Michael (Garthmeister J, +6): Frankly, this isn't fair. If Kevin doesn't win a challenge for Garth, it's Michael swooping in. The dish that scored for him this time was a boneless chicken wing confit with curry and fresh pepper juice and a blue cheese disc. This is a "Buffalo Wings" remix, which is somewhat confusing, as the casino was "New York, New York", not "Buffalo, New York". I wonder what that casino would have, anyway. A lot of fake snow, empty steel factories, and a bunch of "AFC Champion" flags?

EC Losers

Jennifer (Saunter, -1): Once again Jennifer strikes out, somehow messing up her Excalibur-inspired "sword-in-the-stone" New York strip with a red wine reduction, beets, truffles, and herbs. She continues to fall apart, to Saunter's dismay.

Eli (Saunter, -1): So much for the comeback. The weird thing is that Eli seemed really confident overall, but then proceeded to produce this: aramel apple peanut soup with popcorn and raspberry froth. I mean, seriously. How does this sound like a good idea? Eli seemed to have got hung up on the challenge parameters, got fixated on a bad idea, and then promptly imploded. To be honest, I was astounded he wasn't eliminated for this train-wreck of a dish.

Eliminated: Robin (Garthmeister J., -1): Oh happy day! Robin goes down, finally! Her downfall was she made a panna cotta, with intent of making a glass-like garnish, mimicking the Dale Chihuly sculpture in the Bellagio, but she totally screwed up the glass and didn't use it. In addition, she totally screwed up the panna cotta. (Side note: has anyone on Top Chef actually made a panna cotta that anyone liked?). Despite her failure of execution, I still really thought Eli was out of here... but I am glad the judges stole Robin. Oh yeah, it cost Garth another point, blah blah blah, DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD.

League Table

Garthmeister J: 36.0 (+7.5)
Saunter: 12.5 (+1)
Daddy: 9.5 (+1.5)

Garth continues to streak ahead, riding his big horses, while finally getting rid of his ballast. Saunter now has to be concerned about Eli and Jen; can the bounce back? Again? And same old story for Bryan: Daddy needs winners.

Garth is actually getting close to taking the title outright, without the competition completing. If eliminations go his way in the near future we may be able to crown an Inaugural Top Chef Fantasy champion!

Fantasy Top Chef Update Week 4: Whatever, Whatever

2009-11-11T16:18:00.003-05:00

Last week Top Chef decided to have this "special" with chefs of the last five seasons cooking and whinging at each other, which they obviously did since I hadn't written up a summary of the Fantasy Top Chef action. Let's amend that, shall we?

Quick Fire Challenge

As part of the corporate tie-ins (this week: TV Guide), each chef drew knives for the name of a TV show, for which they had to produce a spin on "TV Dinner" for Padma and guest chef Paul Bartalotta.

The chefs were as follows: Robin (Sesame Street), Michael V. (Cheers), Jen (The Flintstones), Eli (Gilligan's Island), Bryan (M.A.S.H), Mike I. (Seinfeld). Somehow Mike I. claims to have never seen Seinfeld, which he really should have been instantly eliminated for. Foreshadowing?

I kind of wish they had The Wire in here. What would be your TV dinner then? A fifth of cheap scotch and some crack?

QF Losers

Robin (Garthmeister J., -0.5): At this stage I should just pencil in Robin's name until she gets eliminated. Her burger is dry, and that's the element of fail for this most annoying chef. Garth once again can't believe he didn't pick Ash.

Jennifer (Saunter, -0.5): Jennifer strikes out again in a Quick Fire. Right now we don't know whether Jen is going to get her act together, or end up being eliminated on any given challenge. She's been adrift for a few weeks now, as have Saunter's chances of taking out the league.

QF Winners

Bryan (Daddy, +1): Daddy snares another point from his sole remaining horse, Bryan, who scores with his meatloaf, mashed potato, asparagus, and apple tarte tatin. Though Daddy needs Bryan to hang around, he also needs the big man to score.

Overall QF Winner: Kevin (Garthmeister J., +3): Domination. To be fair, I think whoever drew "The Sopranos" had a leg up on the competition, but his meatballs with polenta, roasted cauliflower, and roasted pear scored big time.

Elimination Challenge

The Elimination Challenge was a classic bait and switch. The chefs were told that they were going to use Tom Colicchio's restaurant, Craftsteak, so naturally they all get psyched about what meat they are going to cook. Which is then squashed by guest judge Natalie Portman, who is extremely hot, and also a Vegetarian.

Cue the sad horns.

Elimination Winners

Michael V. (Garthmeister J., +2): Michael again goes with the craziness, serving asparagus salad, Japanese tomato sashimi, and banana polenta. His dish confuses, yet delights, and someone refers to him as "Picasso", bringing the "someone-refers-to-Michael-Volt-as-Picasso" count to 2. This guy is genuinely pissed he didn't win outright though, and is definitely shaping up as this season's villain.

Eli (Saunter, +2): Eli continues to blossom, serving confit of eggplant, creamed lentils, spring garlic puree, and radish salad with wild herbs. He won an important coinflip with Jen and got to use the eggplant he wanted, which definitely paid off. The question for Saunter is whether Eli is starting to edge Jen as the top chef in her stable?

Overall EC Winner: Kevin (Garthmeister J., +6): Yes, it's Kevin, once again. This time he wins for a non-meat dish, but apparently he and his wife go meat-free every Lent. Religion, paying off for the big man! To be honest, his duo of mushrooms (morel and Hen of the Woods), smoked kale, candied garlic, and turnip puree looked pretty unappetizing, but he hit a home run with the taste. Kevin is singlehandedly ruunning away with this competition for Garth.

Elimination Challenge Losers:

Robin (Garthmeister J., -1): Cue Garth shaking his fist at the sky and yelling "Robin!" Once again this chef is bad enough to be in the bottom three, but not bad enough to be eliminated. This time her key failure was getting over-excited about all the produce, not knowing what direction to go in, and deciding to do things she had never decided to do before. OK, maybe that's three things. What can I tell you, she sucks.

Jen (Saunter, -1): Jen continues her death-spiral, serving charred baby eggplant, braised fennel, tomato coins with wild coriander and verjus nage, which appears to be more of a side dish than a main meal. Saunter has to be panicking now.

Eliminated: Mike I. (Saunter, -1): In something of a shock, Mike I. gets the boot for his whole roasted leeks with onion jus, baby carrot puree, and fingerling potatoes with fresh radish and dill. He clearly screwed up his leeks, and it probably wasn't a good idea to begin with.

League Table

Garthmeister J.: 28.5 (+9.5)
Saunter: 11.5 (-0.5)
Daddy: 8.0 (+2)

Garth continues to ride Kevin's momentum, despite the ballast of Robin. All of a sudden Saunter's stable of steady contributors has been torpedoed, with her relying on Jen to turn it around and for Eli to continue his emergence. And Daddy? All Bryan, all the time, though he needs some big points and a deep run from his main man.

Fantasy Top Chef Update Week 3: Master of the House

2009-10-28T12:19:00.002-05:00

It was clear from the ads for this week's episode that it was going to be the much anticipated "Restaurant Wars", where the remaining chefs split off into two teams and create a restaurant from scratch in three and a half hours. Fun times!

Quick Fire Challenge

For the Quick Fire challenge, everyone drew knives to be "Team Captains". Jen was the captain of the first team, and after some deliberation chose Kevin. Michael V., the other captain, instantly picked his brother Bryan. The teams ended up as so:

Team Jen: Jen (Saunter), Kevin (Garth), Mike I. (Saunter), Laurine (Daddy)
Team Volt: Michael V. (Garth), Bryan (Daddy), Eli (Saunter), Robin (Garth)

As luck would have it, Daddy's picks were spread out across two teams. Team Jen is also Team Saunter, while Team Volt is Team Garth.

For the challenge itself, each team had to create a dish by taking 10-minute turns. The non-cooking chefs would be blind-folded. And NO TALKING. Craziness!

In a clever move (if it was intentional), Team Jen produced a fish dish that seemed to please the fish-inclined guest chef (Rick Moonen). As there was no single chef winner, all chefs on Team Jen are awarded +1. All chefs on Team Volt were deducted 0.5. In the washup, Saunter picked up 1.5 points, while Garth and Daddy broke even.

Elimination Challenge

As mentioned above, the EC this week was "Restaurant Wars". The two teams from the QF challenge were retained, Team Jen naming their restaurant "Mission" and electing to have Laurine run the front of the house, while Team Volt (stupidly) went for REVolt and (smartly) had Eli run the front of the house. Both Eli and Laurine would also be responsible for a dish (though they would not cook it), as well as managing things out front.

Elimination Winners

REVolt seemed to have gotten all of their mediocrity out in the name of their restaurant. Other than the moniker, Colicchio thought that this was the best effort that they had seen during a "Restaurant Wars" challenge.

Bryan (Daddy, +2): Bryan fought for his ganache as a dessert, despite it flaming out in a previous EC, but the spearmint ice cream he served with it was a big hit. His mains dish also seemed to be served underheated, which was not a good sign. He also had a hand in Eli's arctic char dish, which didn't impress. And to top it all off, he had a bit of bickering with his brother, though it seemed just about everyone fought with the younger Volt. Daddy has to be disappointed that his Big Dog didn't bring home more points, but it's better than nothing.

Eli (Saunter, +2): Eli was something of a revelation running the front of the house. He explained dishes well, was able to joke over the odd mishap, and in general seemed in control of things. His dish (the aforementioned arctic char) wasn't a hit, but he otherwise contributed solidly to the restaurant.

Robin (Garthmeister J., +2): In a smart decision, REVolt decided to also reprise a dish done previously in an EC, though Robin's apple crisp has actually done well. This time they decided to have Robin do a pear crisp. Despite Robin and Michael V. having a little spat, the dessert was well received by the judges. Garth has to be ecstatic here that he has gotten a positive return from Robin.

Overall EC Winner: Michael V. (Garthmeister J., +6): Michael was rewarded by the judges for his chicken appetizer and his cod main (which looked amazing), but if the judges had been privy to all the back-stage goings on it was clear he was the driving force anyway. Interestingly, Colicchio blogged about how he liked Michael V's manner. His prickliness may still cause him some pain, but for now he is racking up points for Garth.

Elimination Losers

Team Jen went with the better name "Mission", but that was it for them. It seemed like Team Jen were just unorganised all over, spacing out the dishes badly, choosing not to have a dessert course... just not well planned.

Jen (Saunter, -1): Once again Jen fails to impress. Perhaps it was the whole team's fault for agreeing to stick her with two fish mains, but it seemed that she was forever behind prep, and was forced to cook clams to order, which was death. In particular her trout was terrible. She could have dodged a bullet by not being sent home, which could have spelled the end for Saunter.

Kevin (Garthmeister J., -1) A rare trip to the bottom of things for Kevin. Despite his excellent pork dish (the man knows pig!) he seemed to really undercook his lamb. This could have been because he was doing two meat dishes at the same time, which spelled doom for Jen also. Having said that, he never looked like being in the running for elimination, and Garth will just have to suck up the negative points.

Mike I. (Saunter, -1) Mike probably should have run the front of the house, using his powers for Good not Evil (similar to Eli running things for REVolt). Mike's Artic char tartare and asparagus and egg are simple dishes (though the tartare was underseasoned), and seemed to almost guarantee that he would neither win, nor be eliminated.

Eliminated: Laurine (Daddy, -1) And Daddy loses another chef! Laurine had seemed on borrowed time, and her performance managing the restaurant was atrocious. When you get called back by the judges to explain the dishes you just served... well, that's not a good sign. In some ways this puts Daddy out of his misery, as he has everything ride on Bryan.

League Table

Garthmesiter J.: 19.0 (+7.0)
Saunter: 12.0 (+1.5)
Daddy: 6.0 (+1.0)

A dominating week for Garth, as he once again picks up an Elimination Challenge win, the Kevin/Michael V. duo performing marvellously. Saunter is still lurking, though she needs Jen to lift her game. Daddy is all aboard the Bryan train, and needs a deep finish to have a chance of taking this thing out.

_______________________

Pauly and Nicky have gotten the Fantasy Top Chef bug as well! In case you missed it, check out their recap of last week's episode.

Fantasy Top Chef Update Week 2: Ashes to Ashes

2009-10-21T15:25:00.002-05:00

Ah, Top Chef - what would I do without you? In "previous cheftestant news", Dr Pauly sent me along a link to an interview with the man: check it out.

On with the show (recap)!

Quick Fire Challenge

Charlie Palmer, ex-boss of the Volt brothers, is the guest chef. I had actually heard that he would be on the show, and panicked that it might mean that both the Volt brothers would have to be eliminated before he appeared; fortunately this seemed not to be the case (this also means we might see Eric Ripert again, who Jen has/is working with). It's quite possible the Volt brothers will be marked harder than the others, so we'll see how it shakes out.

The actual challenge is to create a pairing with the first product placement that I can recall seeing this year. The product? Some chips I have never heard of, which come in different flavours, and the chefs can choose whichever type they like. Apparently they have had them at the Chef House, so the assumption here is they are not coming to this completely cold.

QF Losers

Robin (Garthmeister J., -0.5): Robin strikes once again, and Garth loses again. Robin made a sweet corn pannacotta with avocado mousseline, paired with the jalapeno flavoured chip. This doesn't sound good, didn't look good... no surprises that she comes up short. Again.

Ash (None): Garth breathes a sigh of relief, as the two bottom feeders once again feed off the bottom - no matter who he chose at the end of the draft, he was boned. Ash, despite vowing to "make his food", makes chilled cucumber avocado soup with crème fraiche, crab, and red pepper, paired with the BBQ flavoured chips. Guess what? Tasted weird, and Ash ends up in the loser's lounge. Again.

Jen (Saunter, -0.5): For the second QF in a row Jen is unconfident, and ends up bottom in the QF with her overdone pork chop. Saunter can't be happy with Jen's QF results, which looked more promising earlier in the season.

QF Winners

Bryan (Daddy, +1): FINALLY Daddy makes some kind of an impact in the Quick Fires, striking paydirt with Bryan's rib eye dish (despite Charlie calling it "safe"). Also safe? The point that Daddy gets to lock up.

Kevin (Garthmeister J., +1): Garth's first pick continues to roll, scoring with his take on a green bean casserole. Of note? All three winners used the onion-flavoured chip. Smart, or just tastier?

Overall QF Winner: Eli (Saunter, +3): And Eli strikes it big for Saunter! This is where Saunter's drafting position and strategy paid off: her final pick (and seventh overall) was Eli. His ability to produce, and perhaps not suck too badly, might pay off healthy dividends. Is it possible he could go deep, as a dark horse? It's not out of the question at this point.

After the Quick Fire, Saunter was the big winner, picking up 2.5 points to add to her lead. Daddy followed, with his single point collected via Bryan's efforts. Garthmeister J. was left with a lonely half point, Robin's suckitude torpedoing Kevin's cuisine.

Elimination Challenge

Ever heard of Pigs and Pinot? No? Well, I bet you wish you had now. This is some annual shindig that Charlie Palmer puts together, and I am pretty sure Daddy has booked for 2010 already. The chefs draw knives for a piece of the pig. Jen gets the wild card knife (card knife? knife card? whatever) and chooses pork belly, because she is not a moron. Pork bellies roooooooooooool. The chefs then do a pinot testing, and take turns selecting Pinots to pair with their dishes. Oh yeah: they have to serve 150 portions of their dishes. I wonder how many bottles of Pinot that is? Eh, who cares, it sounds awesome.

Seriously, dudes. Pigs and Pinot. I'm so there.

Elimination Winners

Bryan (Daddy, +2): Daddy's Big Gun Bryan once again bags a kill, this time with his braised pork ribs. And it looks like Daddy needs Bryan to keep scoring, since it is not clear if Laurine is going to add anything positive to the ledger any time soon.

Michael V. (Garthmeister J., +2): Michael gets his groove back with his braised pork cheeks dish, despite braising it in root beer (which instantly caused Garth to recoil in fear). Seriously, the man scored using root beer. As long as the younger Volt doesn't out-reach himself, he looks solid with his creative choices.

Jen (Saunter, +2): Jen bounces back (again) from her poor QF showing, though this time she did not bring home the bacon (yeah, puns are fun). Her pork belly dish, braising using soy sauce, lifted her out of her pork belly funk. Now let's see if she can be a little more consistent and bring it in both challenges.

Overall EC Winner: Kevin (Garthmeister J., +6): Seriously this man is a machine. He should almost be banned from any challenge involving pork, as he will destroy all comers. At this moment Garth was pretty confident, while hoping that Robin did not screw up (again) or at least was eliminated.

Elimination Challenge Losers

Robin (Garthmeister J., -1): Nope! Robin's dish brined center cut chop was a failure, surprise! I think if we learned something from this dish, it's "if you are not Kevin, braise your pork". I mean, does brined pork sound good? Hells no. However, this week it seems that her dish is mediocre, and not catastrophic, and she stays another week. Sorry Garth.

Laurine (Daddy, -1): Laurine sticks around, despite serving up something that judges described as being like cat food, and furthermore despite Charlie Palmer telling her that she doesn't know how to make the dish ("rillette"). And yes, she sticks around! Yikes. It's hard to tell whether Daddy is happy or sad with this result; losing Laurine means he is down to betting it all on Bryan, but at this stage that might be a good thing.

Eliminated: Ash (None): Despite vowing to make "his food", Ash does not make "his food", and the judges have finally had enough of his junk. Garth breaks something cheap, as it appears that his "Robin over Ash" strategy has backfired, unless the mouthy older chef can pull some results out of her chef's hat. Which does not look likely at this stage.

League Table

Garthmeister J.: 12.0 (+7.5)
Saunter: 9.5 (+4.5)
Daddy: 5.0 (+2.0)

Right now Garth and Saunter have opened up a gap on Daddy, but this is due more to each of them picking up an Elimination Challenge win. If Bryan has won this week's challenge instead of Kevin, there would be a logjam on the leaderboard. Having said that, Saunter and Daddy have to be hoping that one of Garth's big horses, Kevin or Michael V., take a spill as they are beginning to produce. It appears from the promos that once again the Volt brothers are getting into it, so the question is: will a big name go down?

Fantasy Top Chef Update Week 1: Sleepers With The Fishes

2009-10-14T11:50:00.003-05:00

After preparing for Nationals, going to Nationals, attempting to recover from Nationals, and so forth, it's suddenly Wednesday again - and Wednesday means Top Chef! Last week was the first week of our hotly contested Fantasy Top Chef, which means it's time for a recap! Exclamation mark!

Quick Fire Challenge

The Quick Fire challenge used a fancied up slot machine, where the chefs were given a mood, a flavour, and a type of cuisine. The biggest surprise? Apparently not many of the chefs are comfortable with Asian food, which I found strange.

QF Losers

Robin (Garthmeister J., -0.5): For some reason Robin decided to use curry oil for her Middle Eastern cuisine, which was the death stroke for her middling dish. Already Garth is beginning to regret picking her over Ash. Maybe.

Eli (Saunter, -0.5): Eli made another of those damned ceviches, and deservedly got punished. Seriously, enough with the ceviche. Sorry Saunter.

Jen (Saunter, -0.5): The biggest surprise in the loser category, Jen's scallops did not impress. Jen had explained that she was feeling really ill, so that could be an excuse, but still: Saunter can't be happy with that result from the overall #1 pick.

QF Winners

Mike I (Saunter, +1): The chef we love to hate comes through with his Asian mushroom salad, despite professing he doesn't do the Asian thing. Saunter fist pumps, as her second pick delivers the goods.

Michael V. (Garthmeister J., +1): The consistently high-scoring Volt brother got a nod with his yoghurty seaweed cracker thingy. Is it a surprise that Michael gets points for an Asian-style QF? Lord no, it would have been a shock if he hadn't.

Overall QF Winner: Kevin (Garthmeister J., +3): The outstanding Kevin takes home a QF challenge, with his char-broiled pork salad.

After the Quick Fire challenge Saunter was left with 0 points, her two losers offsetting her one winner. Daddy managed to whiff on both the losers and winners, and was upset that his stable of chefs appeared to be middling nobodies. Garth was the big winner, picking up 3.5 points as his big guns came to play... but will Robin continue to cause problems?

Elimination Challenge

The Elimination Challenge was another affair where chefs were partnered up to prepare a dish on short notice using specific ingredients, using their house kitchen. This presented some interesting situations, where the fantasy owners were concerned about who their horses were paired with. Notably Saunter was panicking, as the Michael I./Robin combination looked sure to cost her, and Garth was worried that Ash would drag Michael V. down.

Elimination Winners

Bryan (Daddy, +2): Daddy gets on the board as Bryan comes through once more. His and Laurine's halibut dish is a hit.

Laurine (Daddy, +2): As Laurine was partnered with Bryan, there was a great chance the dish wouldn't suck, and the format of this week's EC lets Daddy double-dip with their top finish.

Kevin (Garthmeister J., +2): Kevin and Jen being partnered almost guaranteed they would finish in the winner's circle, there's just too much talent on display here. Garth hits paydirt again with Kevin.

Overall EC Winner: Jen (Saunter, +6): Jen atones for her QF failure with a big EC win. It looked touch and go whether Jen would win for her sauce or Kevin would win for the beef, but the sauce has it! Saunter leaps into the points lead, and only has to sweat to see if she receives any negative points, or perhaps even loses a chef.

Elimination Challenge Losers

Michael V. (Garthmeister J., -1): Garth's fears come true, though it was due more to flaky electrics rather than Ash's mediocrity. A big sigh of relief for Garth that his star isn't eliminated.

Ash (None): The un-owned Ash doesn't punish anyone for having him in his stable, so Garth dodges a bullet here. At Judge's Table Ash simultaneously puts the focus on Michael as the star of the show, putting the Voltaggio in danger of elimination, while almost talking himself into getting the boot.

Eli (Saunter, -1): Eli seemed to do some serious damage to his dish, made in conjunction with Ashley), as he appeared to over-season the gnocchi. He also wussed out of cooking the prawns, which was simultaneously weak and smart, as that seemed to seal the deal for Ashley. Eli is the first chef to score negative points in both challenges. Sorry Saunter.

Eliminated: Ashley (Daddy, -1): And BOOM! Daddy is the first to lose a chef, his avowed sleeper, and his second round pick at that. From here on in Daddy has got to pin his hopes on Bryan going deep, and Laurine blossoming.

League Table

Saunter: +5.0 (+5.0 for this week)
Garthmeister J: +4.5 (+4.5)
Daddy: +3.0 (+3.0)

Saunter gets off to a strong start, with Jen overcoming an early hiccup to validate her being picked as #1 overall, though Saunter does have cause for concern with Eli. Michael I., on the other hand, might be hanging around for a while. Daddy has reason to be upset, losing his number one pick, and needing Bryan to outperform any possible negative scoring from Laurine. Garth must have a lot of confidence in Kevin right now, but there's a possibility here that Michael V. goes into an emotional tailspin, especially given the previews of tonight's show. And exactly how much is Robin going to cost him?

---------------------------

For those wondering about Nationals, my team ended up playing horrendously on the first day, mathematically eliminating ourselves from contention. I didn't do much in the first game besides getting my nose smashed, though it only seemed to have caused me to bleed everywhere as opposed to incurring any real structural damage. In the second game I did kick a goal, but we were busy getting trounced at the time.

On the Sunday morning we had one more game against our arch-rivals New York. Naturally we absolutely destroyed them, knocking them out of the competition. I kicked two goals, and had a hand in another, but also managed to get crushed a couple of times. Looks like I have either badly bruised ribs, or perhaps I even managed to crack a couple of them. Good times! As the season is over I now have time to heal up, get fat, and think about whether I'll be coming back for another year. Right now March just seems a long way away.

US Footy Nationals 2009

2009-10-09T15:38:00.002-05:00

I haven't quite gotten around to posting about the first week of Fantasy Top Chef, but it will be coming. In the meantime, Saunter and I are about to head to Mason, Ohio (?) for the 2009 US Footy nationals. My team is seeded #1 in the country, and hopefully we can go one step further than our loss in the final last year.

If you're a little more curious about my team, we were actually featured in an article in the Washington Post (both print and online). If you're curious, check it out: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/10/07/AR2009100701838.html

Go Eagles!

Sent Back to the Kitchen

2009-10-02T11:10:00.003-05:00

No recap of Fantasy Top Chef shenanigans here; prior to the episode being aired Daddy alerted me to an emergency work situation which would prevent him from attending, and then we noticed that for some reason there wasn't a new Top Chef episode this week. Weird! No reason given for the one week hiatus, and a quick check of the online schedule reveals that next week is a new episode. It did give Saunter a chance to get up to speed with the most recent episode (though she could have probably done that next week anyway), so it wasn't a total loss.

So now I have another week to begin worrying that Michael V. or Kevin will be an early casualty, or that somehow Robin is going to torpedo my enter stable of chefs...

Fantasy Top Chef: The Draft!

2009-09-29T17:50:00.002-05:00

This Monday night, just before the MNF kickoff, the Inaugural Fantasy Top Chef Draft was held. In attendance were Saunter, Daddy, and myself, all keen to get started. Rumours were swirling about Saunter's preparation, with the word being she had made extensive use of the involved charting available on Season 6's wikipedia page.

The stakes? Dinner at a restaurant of the winner's choosing, with the two losers splitting the bill. It was decided that the combatants would high-card for draft position, the winner getting to choose their draft position. 3rd place was considered the prime position in the snake draft, as it would allow picking up two of the consensus "top 4" chefs.

Saunter kicked off proceedings, drawing the lowly 2 of clubs. Daddy moved forward and drew the 9 of hearts. Feeling good about my chances, I made the final draw, nabbing the Queen of clubs.

"I'll take 3rd position," I said, with no hesitation. Daddy quickly confirmed taking second position, which meant that Saunter had the first pick in the draft.

And with that, we were off!

To recap, here is the scoring system for Fantasy Top Chef:

Win Quick Fire: +3 points
Place in Quick Fire: +1 point
Bottom in Quick Fire: -0.5 points
Win Elimination Challenge: +6 points
Place in Elimination Challenge: +2 points
Bottom in Elimination Challenge: -1 point
4th place overall: 10 points
3rd place overall: 20 points
2nd place overall: 35 points
1st place overall: 50 points

Pick No. 1: Jennifer Carroll (Saunter)

Perhaps a surprise with the first pick of the draft, Saunter held true to her big board, selecting the talented Jennifer. Jen has displayed considerable talent during the entire competition, placing in the winner's circle in three of the six Elimination Challenges, though she has not yet won an EC. The Quick Fire challenges are where Jennifer has shown real promise, winning two QF challenges outright, while placing in two others. Interestingly, Saunter had not yet seen last week's episode, where despite Jennifer's uncertainty about the challenge and doubt about her dish she was able to garner a seat in the top four dishes. A breakout EC win could be around the corner. Saunter obviously feels that Jennifer's skills will continue to shine, and is a strong contender for the final three.

Pick No. 2: Bryan Voltaggio (Daddy)

With considerable glee, Daddy took Bryan with the second pick. A favourite chef of Saunter and Garthmeister J., Daddy was no doubt eager to obtain this particular chef based not only on his performance so far on Top Chef but also on Garthmeister's epic four-part blog entry about the visit to Bryan's restaurant, VOLT. Bryan has been a monster in the Elimination Challenges, picking up an outstanding 3 EC wins. Interestingly Bryan has not placed in ECs - if he's in the winner's circle, he takes home the Gold. The only knock on Bryan, and potential reason for him slipping to number two in the draft, is his performance in Quick Fire challenges. Bryan has placed in the bottom in three of the six Quick Fire challenges, which is somewhat confusing given his showing in ECs. Already this season we have seen a chef eliminated in a Quick Fire challenge - could this be Bryan's undoing?

Pick No. 3: Kevin Gillespie (Garthmeister J.)

After an important win in being able to choose his drafting position, Garthmeister J. knew that he would be able to sit back and scoop the two remaining chefs of what most consider the top four chefs in the field. As it played out, Garthmeister was able to select both Kevin and Michael Voltaggio, who were allegedly the top two chefs on Garth's board.

Kevin is another chef who has the distinction of not appearing in the bottom of any challenge, either Quick Fire or Elimination. He got off on the right foot, winning the first Elimination Challenge, winning one other, and placing in a third. This is all the more impressive, considering he has only competed in five of the six ECs, receiving a bye in one challenge after winning a Quick Fire. Besides that QF win, Kevin has also placed in another. It would be a surprise if he did not go deep this season.

Pick No. 4: Michael Voltaggio (Garthmeister J.)

To anyone looking at the field, it may not come as a surprise that Michael V came in fourth of the top tier of chefs. Michael has been relentless in the Elimination Challenges, being in the winner's circle in an amazing five of six ECs. The only knock in his EC performances is only winning outright in one of those. His performances in Quick Fire challenges has been a little more uneven, winning once, placing once, and finishing in the bottom once. Michael may be one of the most inventive chefs in the draft, but some may have concerns that not being as conventional as his competition may cost him in the end.

Pick No. 5: Ashley Merriman (Daddy)

The fifth pick was a key position in the draft, being the first selection outside of the top 4 chefs. Ashley was wide regarded by all the drafters as being a sleeper who has begun to find her legs, after an initially rocky start. Ashely has appeared in the bottom of two Elimination Challenges, before closing strongly and placing in the last two ECs. She has placed in one Quick Fire, while also appearing in the bottom of one QF - which was also the QF in which someone was eliminated. Given Ashley's recent growth, it would come as no surprise if she continued her strong showings.

Pick No. 6: Mike Isabella (Saunter)

Mike Isabella has been the most polarising chef of this season of Top Chef. Initially displaying a misogynistic streak, Mike has continued to ruffle feathers, but his performances in the kitchen were enough for Saunter to take him 6th. Saunter and Garthmeister J. have also eaten at Zaytinya, Mike I's restaurant, though they had a middling experience. On Top Chef, Mike has been most notable for making savvy choices when being paired up with another competitor. He has placed twice in Elimination Challenges, but has also appeared in the bottom of one when he seemed to coast too much on his partner. Mike has placed in one Quick Fire, and won another, though the win may have been due to his experience with the rare ingredient used, cactus. Due to his personality, Mike could end up self-destructing at judge's table if he is selected as one of the bottom dishes.

Pick No. 7: Eli Kershtein (Saunter)

A value pick at number seven, Eli Keshtein has been a steady competitor thus far, without really distinguishing himself. He is also considered more favourably to the other remaining chefs, and was a natural selection here. Eli has placed in two ECs, placing in one QF and also being bottom in one QF. As the field dwindles, Eli is going to either have to rise to match the performances of the top tier of chefs, or else he could start appearing consistently in the bottom dishes before being eliminated. Eli has shown some flashes, and Saunter is hoping for more upside out of the Atlanta native.

Pick No. 8: Laurine Wickett Hope (Daddy)

For his final selection, Daddy selected Laurine from the three remaining chefs. Laurine did not make much of an impact in early episodes, but as eliminations take their toll on the field, she is being forced more into the picture. Laurine did not place in the top or the bottom of any challenge until the 3rd episode, when she was selected as one of the poorest dishes in an Elimination Challenge. She has been in the bottom for one other EC, while placing in the EC held at the ranch - a setting which may have provided the best opportunity for her to do well. In Quickfire Challenges she has placed once, and been bottom once. Overall, the concern is that Laurine will continue to hang around week to week, appearing often in the bottom dishes, without being eliminated.

Pick No. 9: Robin Leventhal (Garthmeister J.)

The 9th pick was always going to be interesting, as there were only two chefs left. Despite the low opinion of her held by other chefs remaining in the competition, Robin has only appeared in the bottom four of one EC and one QF, while she won the last EC. Garth chose Robin over Ash, feeling that Robin may be a boom or bust candidate. There is a good chance she is the next chef eliminated, thus avoiding multiple weeks of appearing in the bottom dishes (which is a valid concern regarding Ash), while she could also pull out another surprise win in an EC or QF.

-----------------------------

For reference, here are the three stables of chefs.

Saunter: Jen, Mike I., Eli
Daddy: Bryan, Ashley, Laurine
Garthmeister J.: Kevin, Michael V., Robin

The consensus is that Garth is the favourite, which would be expected no matter which two of the top four chefs fell into his lap. Saunter has a solid lineup, with Daddy's hopes perhaps hinging on whether Ashley can continue her improvement and make a real tilt at the title.

Stay tuned: tomorrow night Saunter, Daddy and Garth will be getting together to watch the first episode in the Top Chef Fantasy era. Taste the excitement!

Fantasy Top Chef

2009-09-24T18:05:00.003-05:00

I am uniformly sucktastic at keeping up with television shows. I never watched the Sopranos (I think I saw maybe 15 minutes in total), have never watched more than a few minutes of Deadwood, and have seen one clip of The Wire on Youtube. All-Star once tried to get me hooked on Battlestar Galactica by lending me the first season DVDs... and I made it through three episodes before never picking them up again.

At the moment there is exactly one show that is appointment television for me: Top Chef. Oh sure, the other big TV commitment for me right now is the NFL (have I mentioned how awesome the NFL Network's Red Zone channel is? Because it is very awesome), but I'm not going to be too upset if I can't watch a particular game or even miss a Sunday. After all, I can keep up with the games and with my different fantasy teams via my iPhone if I feel the urge.

Watching Top Chef last night, Daddy and I were discussing the strengths of the various contestants, and arguing who we thought was going to kill (or not) with the judges. Good fun, while admiring how someone is able to tackle the concept of "deconstructing caesar salad".

While rehashing the episode today, we came up with an idea that will no doubt sweep the nation. Fantasy Top Chef. The rules we came up with is as follows:

Win Quick Fire: +3 points
Place in Quick Fire: +1 point
Bottom in Quick Fire: -0.5 points
Win Elimination Challenge: +6 points
Place in Elimination Challenge: +2 points
Bottom in Elimination Challenge: -1 point
4th place overall: 10 points
3rd place overall: 20 points
2nd place overall: 35 points
1st place overall: 50 points

A draft date has been tentatively set for Monday, with Daddy, Saunter and myself to participate. Stakes to be determined. I'm excited. And salivating.

Infinite Jest: I Know What I Did This Summer

2009-09-10T17:15:00.004-05:00

I suppose I had always been aware of David Foster Wallace. I couldn't recall ever reading any of his writing, but I knew it was meant to be excellent. Beyond that? Couldn't tell you much. Similarly, I had heard of Infinite Jest, even knew that it was considered a modern classic, but couldn't add much more than that¹.

All that changed on September 12, 2008, when David Foster Wallace committed suicide.

Having not known the man's work, I was somewhat taken aback about the outpouring of emotion from all over the globe. Article after article written about this extraordinary author, some pointing to various pieces of his work that existed online², allowing me at least to sample what made the man's written word special.

And yet, article after article referenced Infinite Jest. And the fact that it was somewhat notorious for people not finishing the book.

I didn't give the matter too much more thought; after all, I had plenty of books I hadn't gotten to yet. Not to mention I had already earned my stripes when it had come to conquering "difficult" books, having read "Ulysses"³ in its entirety after picking up the book on a trip to Ireland⁴.

All that changed when I a) heard about the "Infinite Summer" project, and b) when Gracie told me about it. With those two hooks I immediately sought the book ⁵.

The first thing I noticed? This was a seriously large book. I immediately set about changing the bag I took to work from an "over-the-shoulder" vertebrae-bender to a more ergonomic backpack⁶, so I could better handle the load. The second thing I noticed? Dave Eggers wrote the forward, an author I had been introduced to when my parents gave my "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius"⁷ for Christmas, and knew a lot better than DFW. The third thing I noticed? Dave Eggers clearly got his penchant for footnotes from DFW⁸.

I had been warned by Gracie that the book was a slow starter and somewhat all over the place, but I dilligently plugged away, reading on the Metro to and from work every day. The first couple of hundred pages were definitely a little difficult to dig into, but I was on a mission.

And then, between pages 242-258, David Foster Wallace melted my face off⁹.

From that moment on, there was no way I was not going to get to the bottom of the novel. Soon I was outstripping the "schedule" for the Infinite Summer project, and stealing time whenever I could to read it. I read a 200 page chunk in one sitting in my cubicle at work, when I probably should have been doing something to add to the corporate bottom line. I felt like I was on some literary roller-coaster, hurtling towards the end of this 1000+ page behemoth of a novel.

When I read the last line, I held my head in my hands for several minutes.

Some people feel cheated by the ending. Some people immediately start re-reading the novel¹⁰. I was neither; I almost flipped to the front to start again, but caught myself, wanting to bask in the ending.

Was the book amazing? Yes. Would I recommend you reading this book? Yes. Will I read this book again? Yes. Yes. Yes.

But one thing I can tell you. Knowing the contents of the novel, and the details of David Foster Wallace's life and death makes it all the more heart-breaking.

1. Including the fact that it was written by David Foster Wallace.

2. I think the first article I read was the one describing his trip to Wimbledon to see Federer.

3. By James Joyce, natch.

4. No, I didn't know what it all meant at the time. I mean, it's a really difficult book.

5. Have I mentioned that I love Amazon lately? No? Well, I love Amazon. It's the bestest.

6. which I continue to use. I am sure my back will thank me later.

7. I'm not sure exactly what it says about me that my parents heard a review of the book and thought "that sounds right up Garth's alley", and immediately purchased it for me.

8. To be fair, footnotes are really fun to use, even when you are blatantly overusing them. You know, like I am now.

9. in a good way, that is. But still: facial meltage did occur.

10. This clearly says something powerful, particularly for a novel famous for people not being able to finish a first reading.

Top Chef: Drawing to an Inside Straight

2009-08-30T21:06:00.002-05:00

Saunter and I are both big fans of cooking shows. Only certain shows, be warned; I managed to come across my first Emeril Lagasse cooking show, and had to change channels almost instantly. Just painful. I'm a big fan of a lot of what Gordon Ramsay does, enjoying Kitchen Nightmares in particular (Hell's Kitchen can be a little hit or miss for me, though Saunter loves it).

One of our favourite shows has just started its new season: Top Chef! Even better... it's in Las Vegas this year. New season of Top Chef + Las Vegas = Win. Saunter and I were still getting ourselves together as the introduction to the first episode began, when I caught something I didn't expect.

"I think that's Bryan Voltaggio!" I called out, hoping for some confirmation. A few moments later, I received it. Contrary to any expectations, the Head Chef of VOLT, where Saunter and I enjoyed an outstanding 21 course meal, was now a Top Chef cheftestant (don't blame me, that's the word they use, OK?).

For the epic four post recap of that meal, go here, here, here, and here.

Bryan Voltaggio has been awesome during our meal there, putting up with our shenanigans, answering a lot of questions and such. We had an automatic favourite for this season of Top Chef. Complicating matters was that Bryan's younger brother, Michael, was also a cheftestant.

We are two episodes in so far, and Bryan has already annoyed the judges a little with his use of sauces and such. As shown in our 21 course extravaganza, Bryan loves his foams and airs and such, which the Top Chef judges do not seem to appreciate too much. Neither do I, to be honest; if you're going to make a foam or air, why not make a nice sauce instead?

Fortunately Bryan took home the second Elimination challenge. He cooked a variation on one of the dishes we had in March: a lime macaroon with guacamole and corn puree, to be paired with a shot of tequila. Of course the macaroon we had was filled with foie gras, and to be honest I'd really prefer to try the macaroon on the show!

It looks like Bryan is going to hang around for a large chunk of the season, and we'll be hoping he goes all the way. Right now it looks like his brother Michael might be right there along with him. Tasty.

* * * * * * * *

Speaking of Vegas, and food, Saunter and I are locked and loaded for December. Courtesy of April we are booked in the MGM, which is a first for us. We are also toying with going for the Prima program, where you commit to spending $500 on MGM-related meals etc. during your stay in return for myriad awesomeness. I've always wanted to eat at one of Tom Colicchio's restaurants (the Top Chef Head Judge), and this could be the push we need to eat at Craftsteak, particularly when we can get a 2 for 1 main dish!

Even if we don't sign up for Prima, Crafsteak might still be on the itinerary. I also still want to eat at B&B Ristorante, one of Mario Batali's restaurants. And last time I was in Vegas I had a great meal at Carnevino...

Yep, December can't get here fast enough.

Shane Warne, the Ashes, and the WSOP Main Event

2009-07-10T10:11:00.003-05:00

As anyone who frequents Dr Pauly's coverage of the WSOP Main Event may have noticed, a gentleman by the name of Shane Warne has frequently turned up in his reports. Pauly has described the man as "the Michael Jordan and Babe Ruth of the cricket world", which is a pretty reasonable description. He is regarded as one of the greatest bowlers (for baseball equivalent, read: pitcher) of all time. Mostly for being able to do things like this:

That was probably just very confusing to all non-cricket lovers, but trust me - that was awesome. Warne, who has been retired for several years, is also well-known for his off-field shenanigans, including drinking, smoking, fornication, and gambling - all which only heightens any comparisons to Jordan and Ruth, I suppose.

At the same time as the Main Event was kicking off it's days 2A and 2B, a huge cricket event was beginning in England: the first Ashes test. The wikipedia article for the Ashes is worth a look, if you are in anyway interested. Apparently Warne promoted as being one of the lead commentators for the cricket series, but as the first test began, Warney wasn't about. As we know, instead of fulfilling his cricket obligations he was busy check-raising tourists in the Amazon room. Cricinfo.com even wrote an article about it, managing to get a ton of facts wrong. Some of my favourite quotes:

"The final table of this year's tournament takes place on July 15 - which, coincidentally, is the eve of the second Test at Lord's"

Well, no, that's not right - as we know the final table will be in November. July 15th is the last day of play for the Main Event before the final table, so I guess partial credit?

"Sky officials remain adamant that Warne will eventually arrive to fulfil his contractual obligations, but he is already reported to be US$100,000 up for the tournament, and given that the 2009 main prize is expected to exceed US$10 million, by the end of the week, there may be no easy way to persuade him."

Well, I hate to break this to the reporter, but unless Warne has a ton of side-bets or side-games going on, he's won jack shit in the tournament so far. And won't until 1200+ more players bust. And even then he'll score $21k... which is a net of 11k (assuming he paid the full 10k to get in, which I am prepared to assume). Oh, and the winner of the tournament will win $ 8,546,435, a figure which I was able to obtain via this great reference called "the internet".

I am also prepared to declare that Shane Warne will not, in all probability, win the Main Event. The odds are he will bust some time today, or at some stage before July 15th, with him having a great chance of winning $0. Other than that, the article was excellent.

Oh, and right now Australia are 4 for 463 in the first innings, a lead of 28 runs over England. Of course it's the third session of the third day, so a draw is the most likely result, but Australia has a chance and building a massive lead and trying to bowl England out before the end of the 5th day.

Your welcome.

A Short Recap of My Trip to Australia

2009-06-01T12:08:00.001-05:00

Number of Australian Rules football games attended in person: 3
Number of flights I was on that insisted on playing the movie "Bride Wars": 5

21 Rounds with VOLT: Part 4

2009-04-14T19:31:00.009-05:00

See here for Parts 1, 2, and 3.

In addition to the array of inventive dishes, the staff were also universally friendly, and able to take a joke. Even when I took photos at weird times. Here's Sous Chef Graeme in a flattering moment:

The fact they didn't mind us snapping away and asking questions during the entire meal.

The fifteenth meal to cross our palates was braised lamb with sweet potato, granola, coffee oil and mint pudding. Lamb is one of my favourite proteins, but in this case the encrusted granola swamped the meat, which was a little disappointing. I still issued the dish a 3, but Saunter gave a more discerning 2.5.

Up sixteenth was a dish that was presented to us as venison, though after quizzing the chef it actually turned out to be antelope, served with a puree of maroon carrots and vegetable ash. The antelope was extremely tasty, though Saunter's was a little overdone. Me being the gentleman that I am, I quickly swapped my perfectly cooked piece of antelope with Saunter's, a smooth move that did not go unnoticed by the eagle-eyed chefs. The different sauces the antelope was served with all complemented the meat beautifully. I awarded the dish five out of five, while Saunter again going unorthodox, giving the antelope a 4.2.

The antelope dish concluded the mains portion of the meal. Up next, in the 17th position, was the cheese course, featuring a point reyes blue cheese, with celery variations and port sorbet. The cheese was extremely powerful and tasty, and paired nicely with the remnants of the pinot noir. Saunter gave it a 4, while the cheese course rated a 3.5 from me.

Number eighteen was the beginning of the dessert portion of the evening. Up first was a study in white, frozen coconut with lavender and madagascar vanilla. I am some what torn about coconut - sometimes it doesn't sound that appetising, while other times I find it wonderful. In this case it was definitely the latter. Saunter and were both equally taken aback and impressed with the dish, despite its sweetness. The coconut was granted the rare "double five", getting top marks from both of us.

In 19th was carrot cake, with cream cheese, cinnamon ice cream, and banyuls vinegar. This was not your mother's carrot cake, being another of the "deconstructed and re-imagined" dishes. It looked and smelled great, but the taste wasn't quite up to expectations in my eyes, being a little cakey and dry. I still issued a 3, while Saunter (who does not normally have a sweet tooth) quite enjoyed it, giving a 4.

Chocolate was inevitably going to appear on our plates, which it did finally, in twentieth, along with peppermint custard, chocolate caramel, and cocoa snow. The staff also took this opportunity to present Molly and Blake with an extra orange ice cream cake (it was Molly's birthday), while Saunter and I also received one, as we were celebrating our two year anniversary. At the staff's suggestion we made sure to mix the orange ice cream with the chocolate... quite tasty. I gave it a 4.5, while the more anti-sugar Saunter resurfaced, only giving a 3.

Finally we were served with "mignardes", small cookies. I flagged down a waiter and ordered a latte, which was fantastic, finishing off the dinner wonderfully. As I enjoyed my coffee the kitchen was finishing cleaning their stations, as service was well and truly over. At that time the Head Chef came over and had a chat, asking if we had any questions. At this point I began dominating the conversation, asking about the parmesan noodles, the antelope, and about the whole concept of his kitchen. The chef was fantastic about explaining things and humouring my questions, at one point asking if I was in the industry. I don't think he counted "three years of being a dish pig" as really applying.

Inevitably the big moment arrived, and I was presented with the bill. This was definitely the largest meal tab I had ever racked up amongst two people, and it was worth every penny.

Finally we were presented with a copy of the menu, and two mini blueberry cobblers to take home. We bid farewell to the VOLT staff, found our coats, and struggled out the door. It had been over four hours since we had first taken our seats inside the kitchen, awaiting our first dish.

And yes, we would do it all again.

21 Rounds with VOLT: Part 3

2009-04-14T18:45:00.010-05:00

(See here for Part 1 and Part 2)

One third down, two thirds to go. There were seven courses in our stomachs, and fourteen remaining. It was at about this time that the head chef wandered over and mentioned that having the menu in front of us would help with the note taking. He disappeared for a moment, then came back, placing it on the raised bench in front of us. As Saunter and I locked eyes for a moment, Chef Voltaggio realised that we might not want to see it, preferring to be surprised, and quickly turned it over.

"Uh, I'll just leave it here for the moment. You can look if you like." Eventually we decided we'd flip it over, and take a photo of it, but not look at it - just in case we never saw it again and wanted to try and remember what we had actually consumed.

The 8th course was one of the crazier dishes of the evening: roasted chicken with spun sugar and curry salt. As the chef announced the dish, I had to admit I had no idea what to expect. When I looked at the dish, I didn't know what to expect either. It appeared to be cotton candy (that's fairy floss, in Aussie-speak), with some golden powder dusted lightly on it. I popped the entire thing in my mouth, and realised that the core of the cotton candy was a cold chickeny paste. Strange! I gave it a 2 - I can't say I would have it again, but it was definitely interesting. Saunter shook her head, and marked a 1 down in her scorecard.

Up next, in the nine-spot, was another outlandish dish. Chef Voltaggio explained that given the amount of time he had spent in a steakhouse he had dished up a ton of wedge salads... and this was his take on it. The cool culinary kids would call it a "deconstructed wedge salad", because that is exactly what it was; all the components of the wedge salad had been separated out and had craziness done to them. Technically it was a "wedge salad with St Pete's select blue cheese and bacon", but it looked like an art project. Each component tasted extremely powerful on its lonesome, but I wasn't sure I really cared for this style. I dutifully finished it off, awarding another 2. Saunter did not get close to finishing hers, and awarded a grade of "FAIL :(".

At this point I had to admit that Saunter any myself were a little unsure of what to expect. There had been some hits, and been some misses, but we had just come off back to back dishes that had been a little out there for us. 10th was a return to food that delighted and challenged (rather than just challenged) our taste budes: arctic char with arugula, leeks, and stewed mustard seeds. The char was excellent, but we both found the mustard seeds really yummy. I awarded a healthy 4.5 to do the dish, Saunter giving her thumbs up with a 4.5.

Up eleventh was one of the dishes I was really interested in: parmesan carbonara (the noodles actually made of parmesan itself!), with a "61 degree egg" served on top. This dish was interesting, but the fact that the noodles were actually made out of parmesan kind of blew me away. After dinner I made a point of asking the chef how the noodles were made - apparently they boil the parmesan for a couple of days, before scooping away the fat (which they use as "parmesan butter"). The then mix the remaining parmesan matter with agar agar, and pour it in thin plastic tubing. After this sets the blow the noodles out of the tubes with compressed air. Insane! Saunter and I both awarded this dish a 3.5.

By this time we had decided to complement the bottle of Cava with a red. I wanted something on the lighter end of the scale, realising we would be pairing it with a wide range of dishes and not wishing to overpower any of them. We eventually settled with a Pinot Noir from Tasmania, for no other reason than I had never heard of a Pinot Noir from that region of Oz. The 12th dish of the evening made us both extremely glad we had it, as it paired with it magnificently. "Woods: foie gras, jerusalem artichoke, and black garlic". The artichoke had been toasted and smoked, and did smell and taste like a very woody potato chip - quite tasty actually. The whole dish was just rich and tasty. Without the red it might have been a bit much, and we were glad we had the Tasmanian vino with us. Identical grades of 4 were given by both Saunter and me.

On the back of the smoked artichoke we were treated to smoked goose with sweet potatoes and nutmeg in the 13th position. We actually saw them apply the smoke to this dish; covering the plate with an overturned bowl and applying the smoke from a hose. By this time we had become quite adept at picking out which dishes were probably going to be ours: any time there were four identical interesting looking dishes next to each other... well, those were gonna be ours. I thought the goose was OK, giving it a 3. Saunter enjoyed it, though she found it a little tough, giving it a 4.

The last dish of the second third of the menu was rabbit with white beans, braised belgian endive, and parsley. This was another tasty dish, another great taste in amongst the proteins. I gave it a 4, and Saunter again went out on a limb and gave a 4.3.

With that we were two thirds through. I still felt good, though I knew my stomach was slowly filling. Thoughts turned to what was still to come... and for the first time in my life it occurred to me that seven dishes to go might be too few.

This Does Not Make Up For SCOOP

2009-04-11T15:36:00.002-05:00

But it's nice anyway.

I won a large pot early in the second hour, bluffing in position with a pair of twos... luckily neither of my opponents called. From there rolled over everyone; from about 30 people left I was the leader, usually almost double the second place person. At the final table it tightened up a little, and at one point I was third, before I stormed back and destroyed it.

When we were heads up I had something like a 130k to 10k lead. My opponent said something like "I've come back from worse," and then I promptly eliminated him in our first heads up hand.

Go Drunkie Garth!

21 Rounds with VOLT: Part 2

2009-04-06T18:43:00.012-05:00

(Cont'd from Part 1)

We were lead to our seats, which I had been curious about from the get go. Being seated in the kitchen itself sounded strange, and I was unsure whether this would be some weird deal where we would be tucked in a corner or some annex part of the kitchen. Instead, we were seated at what appeared to be a modified kitchen bench looking across the kitchen, facing the salad/dessert station, with the kitchen line on our immediate right.

The kitchen itself was entirely open, facing the "Chef's Dining Room", allowing all diners in that section of the restaurant to see (and hear!) everything going on. I have never really seen anything like it, and definitely contributed to a quiet and controlled kitchen. The only incident I saw was when some lamb was returned to the grill station for being undercooked... and the result was merely a bout of eye-rolling and some muttered conversation.

Upon seating we were greeted by Neil, the self-designated "restaurant alcoholic". We asked if we could keep notes and take photos of the kitchen, which he assured us was completely fine and even encouraged. Saunter and I decided that apart from taking notes and snaps of each course, that we would also assign a rating.

Neil prepared the first course: campari soda (clementine, C02). This course was designed to cleanse our palates and prepare us for the culinary death march before us. We didn't assign a rating to this course, as its function was not to delight the taste-buds, but to prime them.

The second course was presented to us by the Head Chef, Brian Voltaggio, himself. It was at about that time that Saunter and I realised that we were going to be able to get a lot of face time with the chef/owner, and when I really started getting into the experience.

The second course itself? "Prosciutto chips, served with potato dip". This was the chef's play on chips and dip, just with crisped prosciutto and potato puree. Which was also fucking good (though I am an admitted potato lover), though the prosciutto was best eaten together with spud, rather than solo. I awarded it 3.5 (out of 5), Saunter giving it 3.

The third course was a beet maccaroon, filled foie gras mousse. We saw a lot of them going out through the night to other diners, and I was unsure whether this was a common addition to people's plates. It was interesting, the maccaroon light and the mousse extremely rich, but not something I really felt I needed to have again. I awarded it a a 2, Saunter giving it a 2.5.

Up fourth was a shiitake gnocchi dish, with chilli oil and pine nut. This dish continued the fancy techniques that the chef was using, with a lot of texture in the dish. The chilli oil really made this course - without it there would have been something missing. I gave it a 3, Saunter giving it a 2.5. By this stage I definitely appeared to be the easier judge.

It was also about this time that we got our first bottle of wine. For whatever reason drinks service was the one part of the dinner that had been a little lax so far, but perhaps we hadn't been as assertive as we should have been (or else it was normal practice for people to save money on dinner by not drinking!). We finally managed to get a bottle of cava, which was quite tasty.

Up fifth was a tuna sashimi dish, which was accompanied by an "avocado veil" and "soy air". There were five chunks of tuna, each dusted with one of five "flavours": sea salt, vanilla, orange, citrus, and asian spice. The veil and "air" were interesting and the different dustings on the tuna were tasty. I awarded this dish a 4, and Saunter (the sushi fan) busted out a 4.5. Clearly her favourite dish so far, and the winner of the experience to date.

Speaking of dates, that was what composed our sixth course. Technically it was a medjool date, filled with curry yoghurt. What it actually was, was a fucking taste sensation. The only down side was that the sweetness of the date overpowered the smoothness of the awesome curry yoghurt at the finish, but that was purely nitpicking. Both Saunter and I swooned, and I awarded a 4.5. Saunter could not assign a normal grade, and gave it a 4.8. I looked at her sideways, but she threatened me with a knife, so the grade stood.

The 7th course, closing out the first third of our culinary expedition, was a smoked atlantic salmon croquette, served with caper and peppercress. I thought it was OK, a little fishy and a littly salty, and gave it a 3.5. I was expecting a higher grade from the more fish-friendly half of the tandem, but Saunter (obviously more discerning) awarded a 3.

I think it was around this time that it really began to sink in how epic a 21 course tasting menu really was. I was feeling good, Saunter was feeling good, the food had been interesting and exciting... and we had 14 courses to go.

I am poop at SCOOP

2009-04-06T18:31:00.002-05:00

To all those thinking of shelling 2k to see if I could hang with the big dogs in the SCOOP Triple Draw event: well done in holding onto your cash. Today I could not draw to save my life.

My day got off to an auspicious start when I entered a 500 FPP rebuy event for a seat into the $200+15 event. I was in for the minimum (I double bought to begin with, then added on) of 1500 FPP - handy, since that was all the FPPs I had left - and was heads up for the seat. Unfortunately, that's where it ended, though I pocketed 10,000 FPPs for my trouble.

I had time for one more attempt, this time a 1500 FPP freeze-out sat, but made no headway.

No matter - I was going to play the $200+15 and the $20+2 events anyway. All the events had a chance at overlay, though the $20+2 eventually made the guarantee. The $200+15 ended up with about 13k of overlay, and the 2k event had 20k of overlay.

I got off to a poor start - by the first break I was at 4.5k in the $22, and 4.2k in the $215. This was a far cry from last year's WCOOP, when I had flown out to be sixth in chips after the first break. Coming back from the break I made some minor headway in the $22, before crashing out just before the end of the second hour. In the $215 I was always spiralling towards destruction, though the end finally came moments after my finish in the $22 event.

Depressing all round, particularly when I don't get to play large field TD events that often. I still have vague plans to play the Triple Draw event at the WSOP, but we'll have to see how we go.

Anyone Want to Stake Me in the $2k SCOOP Triple Draw Event?

2009-04-06T12:45:00.002-05:00

45 minutes until game time, and there are 25 people registered for the $2k buy-in Triple Draw event for SCOOP on Stars. That means right now there is 150k of overlay in the 200k guaranteed prize pool.

Just sayin'.

21 Rounds with VOLT: Part 1

2009-03-24T20:08:00.007-05:00

A not-so-secret secret: Saunter and I like to eat. Sometimes we like to cook, then eat, but to be honest we're also a big fan of letting someone else cook and allowing us to handle the eating part of the equation. Every six months or so the DC Metro area holds "Restaurant Week" during which eateries all about town roll out a prixe fixe menu for a very reasonable price (usually in the $30 range). It's a good deal, especially when there are a number of restaurants listing dishes on their menu that exceed that amount by themselves.

Back in early February, we discovered that the next DC Restaurant Week began Feb 16th. This was surprising, as lots of places had put on specials during the week of Obama's Inauguration, and we did not expect to see more cheap deals out so soon. No complainers we, Saunter and I set about vetting possible destinations for gluttonous adventures.

Paging through the listings, Saunter asked me if I had ever heard of VOLT. I thought they were maybe a prog-rock band from the UK who were big in the early 80's, which did not go over well. Ignoring my inane musings, Saunter mentioned that it was a restaurant out in Frederick, Maryland (about 50 miles from DC) that had been getting rave reviews. Intrigued, I went and looked up its web page, and directed Saunter's attention to the page describing its dinner menu.

"They have a 21 course tasting menu, with seating in the kitchen."

Which is how we ended up in Frederick, Maryland, in late March, staying at a B&B within walking distance of the restaurant. We arrived in the early afternoon, heading out from DC after I had finished Aussie Rules footy training. This gave us ample time to get acquainted with the B&B and then pass out for a timely nap (something of a post-footy tradition with me), before spending some time wandering out Frederick before dinner.

Frederick itself was an interesting town - quite pretty in parts (particularly the area around Carroll Creek), but with a fair number of empty or boarded up storefronts. A pile of arts and crafts stores lined the main street, and at the far end of the city centre there was a pawn shop (the $$$ kind), a porn shop (the XXX kind) and three separate tattoo parlours. We killed the remaining time before dinner poking about in the different shops, more than one of which I could not imagine turning a profit... but then again, what do I know.

The Table 21 (the name given to the "in the kitchen" 21-course affair) seating was for 8:30pm, so we decided to slide into the venue at 8pm in order to relax and enjoy a cocktail or two before din-dins. VOLT itself is situated in an old brownstone mansion, so the inner configuration was a little quirky, somewhat dictated to by the original layout.

We perched ourselves on a couch in the lounge, inbetween a couple of small groups of folks, allowing me to steal the odd glance at the TV behind the bar - so I could keep mysely appraised of the March Madness basketball. Saunter ordered a "Norwood", which contained Southern Comfort, Apple Cider, Rum, Maple Syrup and a splash of lemon. I was tempted to order a Manhattan, but instead plumped for the tastefully named "Flying Dog Tire Bite Golden Ale". Yes, such a thing exists.

We timed it well, finishing our drinks right as our seating time arrived. I spoke to the maitre d', who told me that the other couple had not yet arrived; apparently Table 21 is for up to four people, and given the nature of the meal everyone needs to kick off at the same time - which meant we were waiting on a couple of strangers to show up. Just as I was about to crook my finger at the bar-keep, the other half of our foursome (Molly and Blake) arrived, and we were ushered towards the back of the restaurant. Our culinary adventure was about to begin!

Never Out of Style: Hellmuth-bashing

2009-03-15T12:09:00.002-05:00

Hi there kids. I'm just killing time on a Sunday, playing in my most favourite-ist satellite in the world, the 11:30am satellite into the Sunday Million. During these I tend to just play very ABC, and try and let everyone else kill themselves. As such, I don't really need to pay heaps of attention, so it's a good time to troll through my blog reader. While doing so I came across this little post by Paul Phillips, one of the all time Hellmuth-haters (you may remember PaulP from the classic "jopke" and "all the mobneys" posts). The post is on of those curently-hot xtranormal adaptations of the fantastic back-and-forth between Helmuth and Hoss_TBF (allegedly one of the top short-handed LHE players out there) and a couple of other folks on a 300/600 table atUB.

Here's a link to the blogpost put up by Hoss_TBF himself, and (inevitably) the 2+2 thread devoted to the chat. Some of my favourite lines?

HOSS_TBF: phil, this is sincere: maybe you should do your breathing

HOSS_TBF: exercises

HOSS_TBF: i honestly do not want you to have another panic attack

PHILHELLMUTH: I really should

PHILHELLMUTH: I might

HOSS_TBF: you are a nice guy

PHILHELLMUTH: but I ran four miles and feel great

PHILHELLMUTH: but U right I do need to settle down

PHILHELLMUTH: just beat after beats seems unbleieavbel

PHILHELLMUTH: steamed me up way too much

PHILHELLMUTH: I prob need meds, never takin em before though

PHILHELLMUTH: BEST hand syndrome I have 

PHILHELLMUTH: made me millions 

HOSS_TBF: instead you lost both with worst hand? 

HOSS_TBF: i wonder if they gave out anti-bracelets 

HOSS_TBF: how many you would have 

PHILHELLMUTH: U wanna play bad so be it

PHILHELLMUTH: Ill play even tighter

HOSS_TBF: sweet heavens xmas has come early

PHILHELLMUTH: plqys every single pot

PHILHELLMUTH: and pays off like a slot machine

TURNTHECAROFF: lolololol

HOSS_TBF: *exactly* like a slot machine

PHILHELLMUTH: so sick

PHILHELLMUTH: I sit here on the sideleines folding

PHILHELLMUTH: like an 11 time champion

PHILHELLMUTH: and y'all just get lucky

PHILHELLMUTH: never seen a guy win with 10-4 off suit more than you

HOSS_TBF: i prefer the term "10-4 doublesuited"

PHILHELLMUTH: U make a lot of good checks vs me hoss

PHILHELLMUTH: I better have em look at this session, security

PHILHELLMUTH: even if you get me tonight, I'll show you the nuts all year

PHILHELLMUTH: I mean wow

HOSS_TBF: you'll see them, too

HOSS_TBF: cause it'll go check check check check check check

PHILHELLMUTH: congrats this is my biggest loss in two years playing online

PHILHELLMUTH: Limit holdem

More Internet Badassery

2009-03-11T11:22:00.003-05:00

One of my modern heroes/idols/whatevers, Merlin Mann (known for 43 Folders, You Look Nice Today, and about a bazillion other things) posted today about this crazily talented guy who is creating these pretty amazing YouTube mash-ups, which are frankly too awesome for me not to pass on as well (not to mention pointing you at Merlin , if you didn't know about him, which you might have).

There are a lot of commas in this post.

Anyhoo, this guy Kuitman (huh, he has a Wikipedia page as well) has a site with these mash-ups which might be worth your time to check out. In the meantime, feast your eyes and ears on "The Mother of All Funk Chords". Check it out.

RED ALERT

2009-02-20T16:35:00.001-05:00

Daddy and AlCantHang have just arrived on my doorstep.

If you don't hear from me again, please tell my parents I love them.

The Most Bad-Ass Thing You Will See All Day

2009-02-13T11:55:00.002-05:00

Via Will Leitch's blog:

“On an August morning in 1978, the story goes, French director Claude Lelouch mounted a gyro-stabilized camera to the bumper of a Ferrari 275 GTB and had a friend, a professional Formula 1 racer, drive at breakneck speed through the heart of Paris.

The film was limited for technical reasons to 10 minutes. The driver barrel-assed all the way from Porte Dauphine (on the city’s western edge, adjacent to the Bois de Bologne) to the Basilica Sacre Coeur in Montmartre.

No streets were closed, for Lelouch was unable to obtain a permit. The driver completed the course in about 9 minutes, reaching nearly 140 mph in some stretches. The footage reveals him running real red lights, nearly hitting real pedestrians, and driving the wrong way up several one-way streets.

Upon showing the film in public for the first time, Lelouch was arrested. He has never revealed the identity of the driver, and the film went underground until a DVD release a few years ago.” (via)

Best to watch the entire clip through."

Phil Ivey is not a fan of the pick six

2009-02-05T20:42:00.002-05:00

Via Deadspin is another entry in the "Phil Ivey is degenerate gambler" file, not to mention the "hey, maybe sports betting isn't your thing" file. According to Deadspin, Ivey had $800k on the Cardinals +3.5 at half-time of the Superbowl. One interception return for a touchdown later, and he was able to snatch gambling defeat from the jaws of victory.

Yeah. And you thought Kurt Warner felt bad.

Dispatches from Sin City, Vol IV aka Pure! aka IT Party! aka Fuck you, Flamingo!

2009-02-04T19:07:00.002-05:00

Ah, blessed work and life and apathy... but onto the (delayed) dispatches!

Dateline, Wednesday morning: I wake up, feeling pretty ill, the Vegas ebola virus hitting me full force. I drag myself out of bed, and stumble down the strip to the Wynn, grabbing a bagel and coffee before plonking myself down for the conference's first session.
Dateline, Wednesday afternoon: I finish the last session of the day, and tell my co-workers that I'm going to go back to my hotel to check my email and call a friend of mine, which is code for "go to bed and pass out for a few hours." There is a designated activity for the evening: a party at Pure, the swanky nightclub at Caesar's Palace, for all the conference attendees. Thankfully that is just across the road from the IP, so I am able to go back to my room and pass out for a couple of hours before I head to Caesar's.
Before I head to the club I decide I should probably grab something to eat. I end up having dinner at Beijing 9, and get talked into some hot and sour soup and kung pao chicken. That does the job before I race off to Pure and meet my co-workers. The place is packed, but being an IT-related conference, most people are nerdy white guys. Awesome! Some of the cocktail waitresses are pretty hot, including this one blonde who must be 5'2" and weigh not much more than 80 pounds - 60 pounds of that being tits and ass.

I hang around for a couple of hours, carefully drinking a couple of whiskey sours, but finally I can't take it anymore and let my co-workers know that I'm bailing. They understand (since it's a freaking IT party, and since they are now convinced I am a complete gambling degenerate), and I head out.

I flirt with the idea of going home to bed, but who am I kidding? I wander back across to the IP side of the road, and eventually find myself at a $5 craps table at the Flamingo - a casino I have not frequented before. I am the very next roller, and a boisterous fellow at the other end of the table demands I throw at least three points. It turns out that the table has been ice cold, and they need someone to break it out of its funk. I do my best, but end up crashing and burning on the precipice of a good run - there was a lot of money on the table, but we hadn't quite cleaned up yet. The good news is that this kicks off a mini-run by the table.

During this sequence, we were joined by one of the drunker people I have ever had the pleasure of gambling with (and yes this includes AlCantHang). This gentleman was over 50, and really, really, really hammered. At roughly sixty second intervals (no exaggeration) he would begin interrogating the croupier.

"Where am I? What bets do I have going?"

The croupier would point out the bets he would have going, and periodically the guy would snort and say something like: 'What? I don't have a 5 going? $10 on the 5!" He would usually follow that up with a line I heard roughly thirty times from him: "You look after me, and I'll look after you. You look after me, and I'll look after you."

So, that was something. The best part was when he went to the bathroom, came back and decided to introduce himself to the dealer, shaking hands.

"Uh, sir?" The dealer asked. "Did you wash your hands?"

"No. Why?" The drunk old dude said immediately, with no idea of why that may have been a bad answer.

Good times!

Eventually the table got on a good run, and we were able to hoot and holler in earnest, with the obligatory "where am I? " and "you look after me, and I'll look after you" statements punctuating the general celebrating. Eventually the pit boss came over, switching out the placard stating the table stakes, bumping the table up to $10.

"Heh, they're trying to cool down the table," another older-but-not-quite-as-drunk gentleman said to me slyly.

Oh, but they weren't mucking around. We were told that the new table stakes were for everyone, not just new players to the table.

"What? We're not grandfathered in?" one of the players asked incredulously. The pit boss just shook his head in response. That pretty much encouraged everyone to say "fuck this" and leave the table. I cunningly waited until my next roll, where I was able to dump a bunch of money when my 8 point didn't come in. I decided that discretion was the better part of valour, and cashed out, swearing never to gamble at the fucking Flamingo ever again.

A couple of folks from my table were in the line, and tried to encourage me to come with them to the MGM to get another table hot, but I decided that discretion was the better part of valour, and took my monies and headed back to the Imperial Palace to crash, hoping I'd feel better the next day.
Dateline Thursday: Will Garthmeister J. shake off the ebola virus? Will there be an Iron Chef Throwdown? Is anyone reading this? Stay tuned!

WSOP anybody?

2009-01-26T12:16:00.002-05:00

We interrupt this Vegas trip report for some breaking news:

Yes, yes, I know it only seems two seconds ago that Peter Eastgate brought home the Big Bracelet (non-Bob version), but the 2009 WSOP Schedule has been released. The first place I saw it was Pokerati, so they get the Garthmeister J. stamp of approval.

Of interest to me were a couple of events. First of all there is a $2500 Mixed Event, which features the following games: Seven Card Stud Hi-Low Split-8 or Better, No-Limit Holdem, Pot-Limit Omaha, 2-7 Triple Draw Lowball. Sounds like fun! Unfortunately I am doubtful that I will make it for that one, since I will be intending to show up to Event 55, the $2500 2-7 Triple Draw Lowball Limit event. I couldn't make it last year, which was disappointing, but hopefully I can swing it this year.

Dispatches from Sin City, Vol III aka Dude, Where's The Porn Convention aka Triple Draw!

2009-01-20T17:37:00.003-05:00

Yep, back from Vegas, and hiding out in the Garthmeister J. Bunker, avoiding the masses of Inauguration-related crowds. But on with the updates!

Dateline, Monday: I manage to sleep in, which is quite the effort for me in Vegas. I jump out of bed, and race to Denny's for lunch/breakfast, intent on sustenance before dialling into a meeting. My body is still feeling decidedly unhappy about consuming more fat or grease, and I scan the menu for something I might be able to handle. It appears Denny's has exactly one (1) salad - a chicken salad that is available in either "grilled" or "deep-fried" form.

The grilled chicken is OK.

I make it back to the meeting, which I bang out in record time. I have decided that I want to try and head down to the Venetian; prior to leaving DC, Grubby let me know that the AVN Convention is in town. Yes, the AVN Convention, also known as the big porn convention. Frankly, checking that out is exactly the kind of thing that screams Las Vegas, so why not try and get there? Monday was the last day of the convention, so I hoped enough of it was running for me to take a peek before deciding what else to do with the day.

Those who know me well also know that I have no direction sense, and can be completely hopeless at finding things. And so it came to pass: either the convention had shut up shop early, or I am completely unable to find an extremely large convention populated by porn stars and those that like to look at porn stars.

Right. So I probably couldn't find it.

Since I was moving down that end of the strip, I figured I might as well head to the Wynn, and see if I could pre-register for the conference. That was done without mishap, so I decided to have a look at the Wynn and see what they were spreading in the poker room. One of the first labels I saw was for "4-8 Mix: List of Interest". Intrigued I asked the woman running the room what was in the mix game that ran.

"Well, there's Triple Draw..."
"Stop right there," I interrupted. "I'm interested. What time does the game usually start?"

The woman explained that it was hard to say, since the mix game usually relied on the same bunch of folks turning up and deciding they wanted to play. She must have noted my disappointment, as she immediately said that she could put my name on the list, and for a $100 deposit she could give me a pager which would reach me anywhere on the strip. That sounded good, so I handed over the Benjamin, and put the pager in my pocket.

At the woman's suggestion I also walked out and signed up for a Wynn's player's card on the floor of the casino, so I could get $10 slot free slot-play. That sounded fine, despite the fact I had never played slots in a casino. I received my card, and then channelled my inner Grubby, wandering around the slots, wondering what I should play. I couldn't find a Monopoly Big Event, but I did find a Mr Cashman.

But wait a moment... why try and imagine what Grubby would play? Why not just ask the man? So I did, and he prescribed some Wizard of Oz action. I managed to find the machine in question, but unfortunately it was occupied by a quartet of people. Deciding not to wait, I wandered next door to check out the new casino, Encore, that had opened as a kind of sister-Casino to the Wynn. Predictably fancy, going with the red theme even more strongly than the Wynn. Walking back through the Wynn, I noted that the quartet of folks were not moving from the Wizard of Oz machine, so I moved onward, figuring I'd check out the Palazzo on the way back to the IP, where I could chill out and decide what I wanted to do if the Mix game didn't run.

The Palazzo was pretty nice, and walking through to the Venetian I was particularly smitten by the menu of B&B, a Mario Batali restaurant. Finally making back to the IP, I sat down at my laptop, and idly looked at the schedule for my conference. With a jolt I realised that the conference started at 1pm! For some reason I thought it had started at 9am, and had been busy avoiding alcohol... but this changed everything! Getting myself together, I wandered back down to the Wynn, figuring I could sit in a NLHE game and wait and see if I could play the Mix game later.
Dateline, Monday evening: After talking to the Wynn poker room chick and being told that the NLHE lines are moving swiftly, I head out in search of food. I hop between possibilities, before settling on Carnevino, a Palazzo restaurant, and have a lovely appetizer of Italian cured meats and peppers, followed by a sumptuous lamb pasta, accompanied by a couple of glasses of robust red wine, which was a lovely and leisurely way to start the evening.

I head back to the Wynn and quickly sit down at a 1/3 NLHE table, buying in for $500. The game apparently used to be uncapped, but as a sign of these economic times a cap had been introduced. I immediately had a horrible few orbits, dropping $200 as I was outkicked, missed draws, and found out where I was (in a bad position) in some hands. Cursing aloud, I wished that the 4-8 Mix Game would start. At that outburst from me the sullen looking girl in the five seat immediately perked up, and asked if I was serious. I let her know that I was... and in twenty minutes time I was sitting down with three other folks at a 4-8 Mix game. Good times!

The mix of games we end up playing is as follows: Badugi, LO8, A-5 Triple Draw, Stud 8, and 2-7 Triple Draw. Fuck and yes. I am joined initially by Joy (the formerly surly and now happy girl who started the table), Kendall (who proceeds to build a fortress composed of $2000 worth of $1 and $2 chips), and some guy from Detroit who professed his love for all things Motown by way of a forearm tattoo and a Detroit hoodie. Over the course of the next hours we were joined by a cast of different characters, and at one point we had a full table of eight players. I was proceeding to call with second-best hands in Badugi, and having the odd second-best hand in Stud 8, and then winning all my money back at Triple Draw.

Since landing in Vegas I had been really tight in the shoulders and neck, and spending hours at a poker table wasn't helping. I eventually succumbed, and scored another first... yes, I got a massage at the table. Big timing it, baby!

Finally I retire at 2:30am, down an extra $100, as my Triple Draw winnings aren't enough to keep things afloat. I thank everyone for the great time I had, and say that I hope to see them more often during the next week. I slide into bed at about 3am, and finally fall asleep.
Dateline, Tuesday morning: Waking up isn't fun, and I finally shave and put on my business duds, a far cray from the cargo pants and t-shirt which has become my defacto Vegas uniform. I meet up with my co-workers (two of which had flown in the previous evening, one due the next day) and we grab a quick lunch at the Wynn, before heading into the day's session.
Dateline, Tuesday afternoon: The first conference session is a bit of a death march: 1pm until 6:30pm, with only a couple of minutes here or there to steal a break. As it was quite warm outside when I was walking to the Wynn, I had rolled up my shirt sleeves, and hadn't carried a sweater with me. In the high-ceilinged conference room it slowly got colded and colder, and towards the end of the day my throat began to get dry.

Yes, I was succumbing to the Vegas Ebola Virus.

Determined to soldier on, I kept at it until the final speaker had finished. Walking out of the conference area one of my co-workers expressed a desire to gamble, so we wound our way back down the strip, ending up (for one reason or another) at Harrah's. We plonked ourselves down at a $10 blackjack, and immediately got handed our asses. I ran through around $300 in an hour and a half, eroding my blackjack winnings from the heady high of +$500 on Saturday night to the decidedly less sexy -$100. That meant I paid about $150 a whiskey sour during the session, whiskey being the sole alcohol I was prepared to drink in my early-onset Vegas Ebola Virus state.

Once the last chip left my grasp, my co-workers and I figured it was a good time to head back to our respective hotels and try and get some rest ahead of the 9am Keynote to officially kick off the conference proper.
Dateline, Wednesday: To be continued! Will Garthmeister J. be crippled by the Vegas Ebola Virus? Will Blackjack return to further erode the bankroll? Will more Triple Draw be played? Stay tuned to find out!

Dispatches from Sin City, Vol II

2009-01-15T22:25:00.002-05:00

It's time for the promised Volume II of Garthmeister J. loose in Vegas...

Dateline, Sunday morning: It had been my intention to wake up early and put a bet down on the Giants against Philly, but this did not seem to be a good idea at 9:30am, so I rolled over and went back to sleep. When I eventually surfaced and made it down to the casino floor, I noted that Philly was busy smacking the Giants around rather handily. Sleeping in, FTW.
Making my way to the sportsbook, I had to admit to being a little rattled. I was 0-2 betting on the favourites, and would have been 0-3 if I had been able to get out of bed. I had ideas of maybe reversing field and betting on the Chargers, right up until I saw that the IP had the Steelers -3.5. I was expecting -6.5, maybe -6, so I was a little suspicious. Was there an injury I didn't know about? Was the fix in? When it came down to it, I was unable to give up the apparent free field goal, and put my money down on Pittsburgh.
I decided to make my way to the Bellagio for the game, as I wanted to check out the poker room and maybe play once the game was over. Settling in at the bar, over a video poker machine, I noted that the Bellagio did have the Steelers -6.5. Weird. I then watched as the Chargers opened the game by marching down the field and scoring a touchdown. Sweet. Fortunately the Terrible Towel-waving denizens of the Bellagio Sportsbook (really - there were really people waving Terrible Towels) managed to inspire their boys home, and I was able to book a win. The bad news is I dropped $100 at video poker drinking my "free" drinks.
Dateline, Sunday post-game: I walk up to the Bellagio Poker room and ask for my name to be put down on 1/2 NLHE, 2/5 NLHE, and 4/8 LO8. Apparently LO8 won't go off for some time, so I assume that NLHE is going to be my game. It's neck and neck between 1/3 and 2/5, but I am called first for 2/5. Within 5 minutes at the table I work out that a) there is another Australian at the table (named Peter), b) he lives where I used to live, and c) he's friends with a guy I used to work with.
I decide it is a very small world.
We are joined shortly by an older gentleman decked out in a jet black suit and a scarlet button down shirt, with gold chains and glasses. I think he looks like Clark Gable, Peter thinks Burt Reynolds, and mere minutes after I compliment the man (named Mark) on his suit I manage to flop a set against his Aces, and take down an approx. $1000 pot. Mark then proceeds to spend the next three hours trying to work out what holding I had, somehow not coming up with the correct answer (set of 8s) until I finally break down and tell him - since we had been been keeping in synch with our drinks (Coors Light for him, Michelob Ultra for me) I thought I could throw him a bone. In the meantime a young Belgian fellow has arrived and begun running over the table. I make a play at him at one point, and lose $75 for my troubles. This may have made me make money a little while later when I manage to flop a set of Kings and turn a boat. He doesn't pay me off for the maximum, but I take down a tidy $600 or so pot.
After five hours or so, my stomach is telling me it's time to eat, so Peter and I decide to clock off. We're both up, me about $650, Peter a touch less. We finally manage to find the Bellagio Cafe and grab a bite. By this stage I have regressed to eating the seared Ahi tuna salad, as the idea of putting more fatty food in my system does not appear to be a good idea. Peter and I have a good dinner and a great chat. He leaves to go to bed and fly out the next day, I leave to play blackjack.
Dateline, Sunday night post-Blackjack: I am even drunker than I was after playing poker and keeping time with Mark and his Coors Light drinking. Unfortunately I am down $300. Stupid Blackjack. I feel very Bracelet-y as I stagger from the table and back to the IP. Sleep envelopes me.
Dateline, Monday: To come in the next volume of "Dispatches from Sin City". Warning: Triple Draw might be involved!

Dispatches from Sin City, Vol I

2009-01-12T20:41:00.002-05:00

You know what? Since I'm here in Vegas and all, why don't I let you know how I'm going?

Dateline, Friday evening: I land in Vegas at about 10:30pm, and am in line at the glorious Imperial Palace waiting to check in an extremely short time later. Checking in takes a while, and so does sorting out the various reservations I have for my stay here. Using corporate travel agencies is the roolingest! I eventually get my room sorted out, get myself organised, and then head down for some craps. I say hi to various familiar faces from my adventures during the Winter Gathering, and then proceed to dump $500. I manage to fight back somewhat, limiting the bleeding to around $200, and discover at around 5am that I am fucking drunk. Sleep sounds good.
Dateline, Saturday: I surface around noon, and manage to confirm that a Denny's Heartland Scramble is God's Gift to a hangover. I head back to the IP and make my (bad) sports bets for the day's NFL games. Yeah, betting the favourites didn't work out too well. I then head to Binion's to meet up with Michalski and crew to play the Saturday $110 10k guaranteed tournament. Dan, true to form is a) late, and b) not going to play the tournament.
We decide to record a podcast at the first break, which you can all hear here. To continue the story of the tournament (begun in the podcast), I went card dead in the middle, doubled up with QQ on my first (and only) hand at a table when I was moved UTG and then promptly got moved again, and finally busted when I was short and had to push and got called by Mr Erratic-and-Retarded for almost his entire stack with a marginal holding that then managed to issue a hideous beat on me. Of course. Nine off the money. Of course!
I then head to the Golden Gate Casino for some fine diner cookin'. I briefly consider heading back to the Strip, but am swayed by this corner of Binion's containing three blackjack tables, populated by super-cute dealer chicks in cowboy outfits. Blackjack and I are not really on speaking terms, and haven't been for some time, but I decide that hanging with the Cowgirls is worth a couple of bills.
So, eight hours later they are closing the place up around me. I am completely shit-faced, have just over $700 in front of me, have had Deep and Meaningful conversations with all the Cowgirls (one goes as far as to say "We've talked about food, travel, and writing. This has been better than most first dates I've had." Thanks, Stephanie!), been advising one of the pit bosses about what to do with his forays into writing dealer and player manuals (at one point he not-so-jokingly asked if I wanted to be his agent), and talked philosophy with the swing-shift pit boss who is intent on telling me what times he usually works so we can chat again as "I've never had a conversation like this in a casino, ever."
So I had a pretty good time.
Since it is now eight hours since I have eaten, and once again, I am smashed, I head back to the Golden Gate. I then proceed to demolish some meatloaf in record time, impressing my server who is actually kind of stunned at how fast the food disappeared.
Walking back towards a taxi rank, I notice the "Girls of Glitter Gulch" establishment. OK, so I used to live on the edge of the Red Light district of Sydney, and as a result I have only really been to a strip club one (1) time in my five years in the US. But screw it. And after all, I'm drunk. I have a couple of fine lap dances with some fine ladies, they close the place up around me an hour and a half later, and I head back to the IP to pass out.
Dateline, Sunday: To come in the next volume of "Dispatches from Sin City".

Vegas: Part Deux

2009-01-09T12:45:00.004-05:00

Part Deux you ask? Part Deux? What happened to Part Un? It seems Part Un got lost in a maelstrom of apathy and alcohol. This despite the fact that Saunter and I both agreed it was our funnest and bestest trip to Sin City yet, featuring:

Crazy mixed games at the IP
Winning my charity tournament rebuy at "No Bust" Blackjack at the Hard Rock
Winning 4th in the charity tournament, and getting to play and chat with a bunch or Pros
Enjoying a great suite at THEHotel at Mandalay Bay
Pablo and Gracie's wedding
Getting reamed at Black Jack at the Venetian
Getting to play a bit in the blogger tourney
Busting out of the blogger tourney just in time to join Joe Speaker, Emet, Bobby Bracelet, Elizabeth, BG, and Drizz for dinner at Bouchon
Having not 1, but 2 crazy hot craps sessions
Having a great dinner at Wolfgang Puck's Trattoria del Lupo
Sucking hard at the Sports Book, except my dramatic 49'ers pick

As many others have mentioned before myself, Derek has the best write-up I've seen.

Not even a month later I am winging my way back to Vegas, this time for work purposes, though I decided to tack a weekend on to either side. Should be fun, even without the Imperial Palace crawling with Bloggers. I shall give Freddy Mercury your best regards.

Until then, enjoy this picture of me with the random goodies I won from the charity tournament. Not pictured: the WSOP Main Event buy-in that went to the dude that finished in 1st. So close!

NaNo NoMo

2008-12-01T14:11:00.004-05:00

Today is December 1st. Which means that yesterday was the last day in November. Which means I get to do this:

I'm a viking!

I found this year pretty difficult, though no year is ever easy (well, maybe 2001 was the easiest - couldn't turn the words off in my first NaNoWriMo attempt). Due to Real Life, plus a heavy dose of procrastination, I found it hard to force myself to put fingers to keyboard and write. With a week to go I needed just a touch under four thousand words a day. Which is kind of scary, though I made it. It also makes for an amusing word count graph:

This is pretty much the opposite of the "write 1,667 words a day, every day" approach. I actually managed to log words on 18 (or thereabouts) of November's 30 days, so I didn't do well on the whole "consistent output" thing. I also didn't get through all of my plot, once again ending on a cliffhanger (something I ended up doing last year as well). I have discovered that when I really need to hammer words out, I just get a couple of characters together and let them talk. I shudder to think of the percentage of this year's effort was just characters talking to each other. Erf.

2008 marked my fifth time attempting NaNoWriMo (2001, 2002, 2006, 2007, 2008). I always find it satisfying to make it through, though I am also beginning to wonder if I am getting everything I want out of the journey. I've already climbed the mountain, but I'm starting to think about taking another trail, or using some different equipment, or something else I can shove into this tortured metaphor.

But right now I'm going to enjoy it being over, and try and catch up on all the things I put on hold while I was getting it done. I just have to remember what those things were first.

So... Nate Silver

2008-11-05T16:24:00.004-05:00

Hey, the election's over! It'll be nice to have those hours and hours of my life back. Amusingly I was helping my dad sort out some computer issues over the phone (while watching the returns come in on CNN), right as they called Ohio for Obama. At that point I let pops know "Katie bar the door - it's gonna be a landslide".

The numbers predicted by my new-current man-crush, Nate Silver, looked just about bang on (though with NC looking to be in Democratic hands, that will probably change), and his national vote was right on the money. But there are other reasons to be heartened by this nerd-amongst-nerds. Check out this photo, cadged from this Wonkette post:

Don't let Iggy get a good look at the monitor in the picture. He may pass out.

And now for something completely different

2008-11-02T22:42:00.002-05:00

For those of you that are wondering (some of you are wondering, right?) - yes, I am once again attempting to write 50,000 words of a novelish nature in November. I may even talk about that shortly.

Instead, here's something else. Some of you might know that I have a IT-ish background, and as such I keep tabs on a few blogs of that bent, though much like this so-called "poker" blog not all posts are devoted to the world of computer geekery. Much like this one I just read. You should go read it.

Just go.

Confessions of a Junkie

2008-10-22T11:05:00.002-05:00

For those people who are wondering: no, this isn't about poker. Or even gambling. But I feel like I want to get something off my chest. You see, I'm an election junkie. Not a political junkie (though I am definitely interested), but an election junkie. I have a degree in Computer Science and Mathematics, but somehow managed to title my Honours Thesis: "A Test Bed for Evaluating the Effect of Different Counting Procedures on the Results of an Election". Fun!

In Australia we have a vastly different, though still Democratic, electoral system. We have no real concept of the Executive branch, and have different counting methods for determining representatives for the House of Representatives and the Senate (the lower house method encourages a two party system, while the upper house encourages minor party participation as well as being really difficult to understand). We also do not have a fixed "cycle" like the US has every four years. If you are really interested: knock yourself out. Read about the Governor General, particular the crisis of 1975, and feel your head spin!

One of the perks about living in the US, and particularly in Washington DC, is being here during election season. The endless analysis is fascinating for someone like me; for example I did not watch any of the debates from the last month, but what I did do was consume analysis of the debates with great gusto. As such, one of the blogs that I have plugged into my RSS reader is Andrew Sullivan's "Daily Dish". His somewhat prolific output has been extremely useful for helping point out interesting articles and nuggets. Another cool resource has been FF00FF, which provides a number of links and such for perusal.

Both of the outlets I have mentioned repeatedly refer to FiveThirtyEight, a polling analysis site which came out of nowhere to predict eerily correctly some of the results of the Democratic primaries (when most of the opinion was in the opposite direction). Polling analysis is something I am very interested, and not just because polling (and especially exit-polling) during the last election seemed so out of whack with the actual results of the election. I still recall fielding calls from Australia enquiring what was going on, and having to reverse field quickly and suddenly once it appeared that the projected outcome was going to differ bigtime from the actual outcome.

The author of FiveThiryEight eventually dropped the pseudonym he was using and revealed himself to be someone named Nate Silver. I didn't really pay attention to that, until an article from New York Magazine revealed that this is the same Nate Silver who is one of the guys behind Baseball Prospectus, and is the chief one responsible for PECOTA, their analysis and prediction engine.

Holy worlds colliding, Batman!

FiveThirtyEight isn't the only site I peruse (I also like to peruse electoral-vote.com, Real Clear Politics, and pollster.com) and it seems the only downside to the wide array of electoral goodness out there is that it is taking over my life. In less than two weeks, though, it will all come to a head, and I can spend another night in front of the TV with beer and take out, watching the numbers come in, seeing what projections are correct. And who gets to lead this country for the next four years, of course.

And then I get my life back. Just in time for the NBA season.

Things I Did Not Know About John Juanda

2008-10-02T15:24:00.006-05:00

As some of you may or may not know, the WSOP ME: Euro Edition is currently running in the UK. Notable still alive (5-handed!) include Daniel Negreanu, Ivan Demidov (one of the November Nine), and John Juanda. I've been keeping half an eye on things, and clicked through to John Juanda's Full-Tilt profile. Here are the"Full Tilt Poker Facts About John Juanda":

Former door-to-door bible salesman
Someday wants to be known as Dr. Juanda

Really? Door-to-door bible salesman? Outstanding! And can we just start calling John "Dr. Juanda" henceforth? I say yes!

John's profile caused me to look at the other profiles to try and find some other of great facts, which I present below:

"Howard Lederer has attended over 125 Grateful Dead concerts." I smell a Dr. Pauly interview!
"Jennifer Harman once did 1,200 sit-ups on a dare." Maybe a new "10-minute abs and 20-minute Limit Hold'em" video series?
"Phil Gordon threw a golf ball 85 yards for a birdie." I have to assume this involved some kind of prop bet - I'd love to know the stakes.
"Gus Hansen is a competitive, high-stakes Yahtzee! Player." Seriously? How is this not on ESPN2? I demand this be on ESPN2!
"Gus Hansen (again) learned how to speak English by listening to Pink Floyd albums." No mention if he did this while "extremely high, while watching 'The Wizard of Oz'".
"Gus Hansen (yet again) was voted one of the 50 Sexiest Men by People Magazine in 2004." I was so sure this was complete bullshit, I looked it up on the Google. And fuck me: here he is, as "sexiest card shark". Right now, millions of Patrik Antonius fans from around the globe are throwing up (and sue me - if it's 2004 and Patrik isn't on the radar yet, doesn't someone like Phil Gordon at least beat out Gus?!). And yes, I'm quite comfortable with my sexuality, thanks for asking. As an attempt to distract you, perhaps you would enjoy this picture of Matt Damon, taken from the same People issue. For some reason Matt is fully clothed, and sitting in an empty bathtub:

So, in closing, People Magazine is full of shit, and I clearly could be a magazine photographer. If not a competitive high-stakes Yahtzee! Player.

God Bless.

Do You Mookie?

2008-09-25T10:20:00.002-05:00

Whelp, I managed to hit up the Mookie last night and get a front row seat to Waffles attempt to win a few bets. Nothing too much to report: I doubled up early when my flopped set got paid off, and I grabbed quite a few blinds while getting AKo about a bazillion times. I was finally moved to the Waffles table, and witnessed him sucking out to stay alive (A7o > AKo) - right before I ran another AKo into Waffles' AA while short.

A friend of mine forwarded this link onto me (from mentalfruition.com), and I felt the need to share.

And Yes, I Have Also Contacted The Jets

2008-09-17T15:27:00.003-05:00

Bad luck for Benny Graham - I wonder if he'll get a job somewhere else? Only 2 Aussies left in the NFL...

I do have to say, I didn't realise punters got paid that much. Graham was getting paid just north of 900k a year to punt, while Mat McBriar is getting $1.9 million a year (pro-rated across all years of the contracts). Yikes.

WCOOPing it up

2008-09-08T15:06:00.002-05:00

Let's admit some things. Lately I have played very little online, just a smattering of play, usually in either Retardo-sized tournaments or playing some Triple Draw. I had heard about Poker Stars' WCOOP, knew that it had a Triple Draw event, but just assumed I wouldn't find the time, or the inclination. Then I learned that it was at 4:30pm. On a Saturday. When Washington, DC was going to be busy wondering exactly how much hurricane-related precipitation would fall.

Sign me up!

The previous evening I had discovered that my PC laptop was busy dying, so I grabbed my MacBook and headed over to Saunter's to ride out the rain with some TD Action. I decided to have a crack at satelliting in using Frequent Player Points, but finishing in 9th when the top 5 get seats didn't quite cut it. No matter. I had decided I was playing, come hell or high water - end even if the high water was here, I was still in. Looking at the tournament info, the structure was extremely slow (30 minute levels), and I felt decently about the 730 or so opponents.

As I was getting myself prepped, April IM'd me; the eagle-eyed reporter had noted that I had signed up, and kept half an eye on my progress. Gracie turned up later - apparently she had been keeping tabs on me as well.

Saunter hit upon the idea of mixing up some spiked lemonade, which sounded like a good idea to me. The tournament kicked off as I was busy enjoying my first glass, numbing myself against the inevitable junk-kicking. Although Triple Draw is my favourite poker variant, it is also the one which causes me to tilt most. The highs are high, and the lows are low. There is nothing like hitting your dream card on the third draw to win a big pot, much like there is nothing like having some numb-nuts run you down in grotesque fashion.

During the first hour I could do little wrong. I set about making the inexperienced pay, and maximising the value of my hands. I could only remember a couple of hands before the first break which raised my ire, and all of a sudden I was sitting on just over 6k, just over double my starting chips, and good enough for 14th. Nice!

The second hour started well enough, but the last half hour of it was brutal. When you are hitting draws and your opponents are missing, all is good with the world. When the reverse is happening, things get brutal. My nemesis was turning out to be "tanhampton", or as I came to call him "Mr Tampon", who was very laggy. Though I was making him pay for his occasional mis-steps he had a knack for drawing to win pretty large pots to get back into it. I wanted him to go away... fast.

It took me well into the third hour for me to get back to where I was, and now the blinds were starting to get a little significant. Bigger stacks were now appearing to take the place of the vanquished, and though the odds were that these were stronger players, I noted one in particular who didn't seem to grasp that straights are bad in Triple Draw... he just hadn't realised it. As the blinds got higher, he became more dangerous - he was a wonderful opportunity to chip up, but if he drew out, things could get ugly. Fast.

In the fourth hour I won a couple of big pots and hit my high water mark of 12,000 chips. I was feeling good, even as the blinds continued to rise. Unfortunately that was the start of my grand fall - I was unable to run down someone who was dealt a pat 9, and then had someone run down my dealt pat 87 with an 85 they hit on the third draw. And then I got mixed up in a big hand with Mr Tampon, where we both missed on third. With 3k chips remaining I bet out in desperation, trying to take down the 6k pot, but Mr Tampon called with a J... and I had a Q.

That was the back-breaker, which I wasn't able to make it back from and I finally busted out in 222nd. Definitely disappointing after my red-hot start, but I still felt good about my play, especially given the rust on my game. I'll need to do some thinking about when I should break dealt hands like 2378x and certain other situations, but that's for some other time.

At least the 0.10/0.20 tables are still full of fish. Yum yum!

In Case You Were Wondering, I've Sent an Email to the Redskins

2008-09-02T08:45:00.003-05:00

Aussie punters in the NFL (courtesy of Deadspin).

And for more reasons why it is handy to have an Aussie Rules player punting, might I remind you of this:

Daddy Says

2008-08-22T09:33:00.002-05:00

Daddy says: "If the shocker doesn't phase her, give her the taser."

46th With a Bullet

2008-08-06T16:48:00.002-05:00

I made it to the Tao of Poker 5th Anniversary of Awesomeness last night, and as luck would have it almost immediately had the Good Doctor seated to my immediate right. Which made for an awful lot of table chatter early on, which was fun. For an abridged version of my tournament, here we go:

Bleed chips
Bleed chips
Get rewarded for weak play with AK
Bleed chips
Bleed chips
Bleed chips
Lose chips with AK
Fold repeatedly
Fold repeatedly
Fold repeatedly
Fold repeatedly
Jam 93s into ATs of the same suit, blind vs blind style. Win.
Jam, collect blinds and antes.
Jam, collect blinds and antes.
Jam, collect blinds and antes.
Jam, collect blinds and antes.
Jam, collect blinds and antes.
Jam, double up with K8o vs JJ
Jam, double up with TT vs 55
Jam with A9o, have lucko isolate with A9s, we chop
Jam AJ into KK. No win for me.

Long way of saying: I busted out in 46th, but kind of feel like I didn't deserve it.

Props to the Good Doctor for getting 500+ people along to his "private" tournament, and good luck to the (appropriate) winner of the prize.

Tao Celebration

2008-08-05T08:56:00.002-05:00

Tonight is Pauly's 5th Anniversary tournament. I hope to be there, even if it is doubtful if I could make the Borgata tournament in the (extremely) doubtful event that I won. My parents are going to be in town over that time... but maybe they would be interested in visiting Atlantic City? I guess I'll burn that bridge when I get to it.

"Burning on the Fourth of July" or "I am a Great Role Model" or "Garthmeister J's Dealer School for Kids"

2008-07-06T22:01:00.002-05:00

The Fourth of July is a great holiday. I say this not only because I get a (usually) unexpected holiday - quite often I forget about the holiday's existence - but because living in Washington DC means you usually get a good show. Sure, the city is usually packed with tourists, and sure, the weather is usually hot and humid, but it's pretty cool to be in the US capital city during the prototypical US holiday. And to be honest, I enjoy giving American tourists directions and assistance more than I probably should.

This year found Saunter and myself at the apartment of one of Saunter's co-workers, along with a few other friends, including someone's 10 or 11 year old daughter. Saunter's friend's apartment overlooked the Potomac River and the Washington Monument, which gave us a perfect position for viewing the Fourth of July fireworks. I must admit being somewhat ruined for fireworks (viewing New Year's Eve and Olympics Closing Ceremony fireworks from Sydney Harbour basically can't be beaten, ever), but who doesn't like watching colourful things blow up while you have a nice buzz going?

The fireworks were enjoyable, though it was a little surreal to see the fireworks shows for other counties going off before and after the Main Event. This lead our gracious host to reminisce about growing up in Queens and being taken to see a better fireworks display than the city provided - which you might expect when the person setting off the fireworks is John Gotti. This prompted the ten year old, Isabelle, to ask "who is John Gotti?" No one really answered the question, perhaps not daring to open that can of worms.

A bit later in the evening I happened to notice an advertisement for the newly opened "Newseum" on the back of a community newspaper on a coffee table. The ad featured an exhibit for the "FBI's Most Wanted", along with a series of mugshots for such luminaries as David Koresh, The Unabomber (that's Ted Kaczynski, not Phil Laak), and yes, John Gotti.

"See Isabelle? This is John Gotti," I said, showing the unimpressed 11 year old the paper. Isabelle frowned as she looked at the mugshot and the short description underneath it.

"What's racketeering?" she asked, looking back at me.

Awesome! And that's how I began a series of explanations about some of the previous century's most notorious criminals - after getting the all-clear from Isabelle's mum, I should add.

Fast-forward an hour or so later, and I am returning from the bathroom, only to be met with a circle of five people sitting on the living room floor, all with playing cards in front of them. Isabelle appeared to be the dealer, as she was sitting with the rest of the cards in her hands.

"Do you want to play 21?" Isabelle's mum asked me.

"Uh - you mean blackjack?" I wasn't quite sure how a simulated gambling situation had broken out without my direct involvement, but I felt I may as well try and work out exactly what was going on.

"I don't know," says Isabelle, as I go to sit down. After thinking for a moment, Isabelle changed her mind about the game we were going to play. "Hey, why don't we play Texas Hold'Em?"

Everyone seemed to think this was a great idea, as I began to try and work out where the hidden camera was. The host even went and grabbed poker chips. Isabelle then proceeded to deal everybody cards. Unfortunately she didn't quite seem to have a handle on things, as she didn't pause before dealing the flop. One thing she did do, however, was to try and "burn" cards, though she did burn a card for each card she placed on the flop.

As no one felt like anything was wrong, I naturally called a halt to proceedings, and then gave a short lesson on Texas Hold'Em 101, which included teaching Isabelle correct dealing technique (though I resorted the urge to teach her how to rake a pot). I was a little miffed at having to use a teaspoon as a makeshift Dealer's Button, but you can only work with what's available.

Saunter and I ended up leaving a short time later, content to navigate the still-crowded DC Metro instead of trying to find a cab. As we closed the door behind us I got one last view of the ten year old Isabelle calmly dealing out the next hand.

"OK Mom, you're first to act."

Stupendous.

More Triple Draw Thoughts

2008-06-25T12:23:00.002-05:00

Last night while I was doing a bit of work, drinking a few beers, and busy performing at a mediocre level in the DD, I was keeping an eye on the 2-7 Triple Draw limit event final table. There was some entertaining theatrics going on, and much to-ing and fro-ing on the leaderboard. When the opportunity presented itself, the PokerNews crew (including F-Train) would post a picture of one of the combatants. Which is when I noticed that the dude who eventually finished second in the tournament appeared to be the same guy who was on my right the entire time I was in the tournament last year.

Weird.

But hey, nice work Shun Uchida! Maybe I'll catch up with him next year...

Not at the WSOP

2008-06-23T13:18:00.003-05:00

I have a secret. Despite work going insane, and more and more things piling on my plate, I was kinda hoping sorta that I would be able to work things out and hit Vegas for the WSOP Triple Draw tournament. Even up to a couple of weeks ago, I held out a faint hope that I would be able to make it.

It wasn't to be.

I didn't think I would be as bummed, as I had known for a long time that I couldn't make it, and even at some points in time thought I didn't mind too much if I couldn't make it. But as the date got closer and closer I realised: I really fucking wanted to play in that thing.

Of course I'm wayyyyy out of practice with the game. And my bankroll is definitely not in a place where taking 2.5k out was going to be a small thing.

But still... I wanted to be there. Wanted to stare down tables of pros once again, and hopefully end up going deep once more.

Instead I've been flicking over my blog posts from last year, when I was caught up in the moment of holding my own with the big guys.

If you're interested, here are my posts from last year:

Touchdown in Vegas
I Made the Second Day
Done and Dusted
Disco Glasses at the WSOP (some pics of me at the WSOP from Amy's old site on PokerWorks, including the one below)

UPDATE: Dimitri Nobles Fails to Suck Out

2008-06-09T18:01:00.003-05:00

From PokerNews coverage of Event 17: $1,500 NLHE Shootout:

12 minutes ago | Posted by danafish

A Noble Defeat

Dmitri Nobles has been eliminated, K-10 failing to hit against an opponent's A-Q.

Has the world gone mad?!

Welcome Back, Dimitri Nobles!

2008-06-06T15:38:00.003-05:00

The UpForPoker guys might be all over this, but I thought I'd try and get to this first. It appears that the Luckbox is still Strong with this one, if this hand history from today's $5k Shootout at the WSOP is any indication:

A Noble Suckout

A player under the gun raised to 875 and another player in middle position called. Dimitri Nobles reraised all in and the under-the-gun player also went all in over the top. The middle-position player called.

UTG had
MP had
Nobles had

The board ran out and the turned flush tripled up Nobles and put a serious dent in the other stacks.

UPDATE: should mention that the above excerpt was taken from PokerNews' excellent coverage of the WSOP.

Disturbing News

2008-05-27T10:02:00.002-05:00

Saunter and I saw Indiana Jones over the Memorial Day weekend, and I was relieved to discover it didn't suck... which is not a given in this day and age, particularly when George Lucas is involved. Afterwards Saunter happened to mention that they were making a sequel to Cloverfield, which surprised me. I mean, exactly how much did that mopvie make?

As it turns out? A lot. According to Box Office Mojo, Cloverfield cost $25 million to produce, but raked in $170 million. That will get a sequel made. As I looked down the top 20 domestic grossing films of the last year there was a worrying number of movies that were sequels, or based on some pop culture entity.

Even worse? Guess the movie: it was released in the last year cost $60 million to make, and returned $217 million domestically, over $350 million worldwide?

Alvin and the fucking Chipmunks.

Yeah, can't wait for that sequel.

The WNBA and Marketing

2008-05-12T20:57:00.002-05:00

For those of you watching the NBA playoffs, you may have come across the new ads for the upcoming WNBA season. The new campaign is taking a brave new tack... and by "brave" I mean "retarded". Check out the WNBA site for some examples.

It appears that the next weapon in the crack WNBA marketing team is reverse psychology. Let's go to a transcript of one of their ads, narrated by Candace Parker, the new WNBA star-to-be who just joined the league from Tennessee.

"I'm sorry, but you couldn't pay me to watch women's basketball. Nothing exciting ever happens. Look at the WNBA. The league has stayed the same for ten years. There's no new blood. What kind of future does that league have? None that I can see. Expect great."

So let's have a look at this. "I'm sorry, but you couldn't pay me to watch women's basketball". OK, so apparently a lot of people think that exact same thing. After hearing the statement, many of the millions of people watching the NBA playoffs probably nodded in agreement.

We're not off to a good start.

"Nothing exciting happens."

In fact, people right now might be getting bored during your commercial. Bored, while agreeing.

"Look at the WNBA. The league has stayed the same for ten years."

Right now, basically every person watching this ad probably had the same reaction I did: the WNBA has somehow survived for ten years?! Holy crap! I assume the intended reaction is meant to be a guilt 1-2 punch. "Man, I'm such a douche for not wanting to watch women's basketball. And it's been around for ten years! It's practically my duty to try and watch some! "

And then they go in for the kill: "What kind of future does that league have? None that I can see." So, not only do they defuse the guilt by pointing out that hey, the league has survived for ten years despite your disdain, they probably caused you to think: "I'd like to lay money on them not surviving another ten years."

I expect the next WNBA ad campaign to be something like: "The WNBA. Remember, your mom is a woman. Won't you watch some women's basketball? For her? Please?"

Seriously. Just show some freaking clips of good basketball. How hard is that?

Just Asking For It

2008-05-07T10:36:00.002-05:00

I am not a violent man. Or at least, not that violent. Nonetheless, some things can rouse me to an incandescent rage. To take one example, attempting to set up my new HD cable box, courtesy of Comcast. Yeah, that was three hours of fun.

A step below of the "incandescent rage inducing" are the mere "pet peeves". Take personalised license plates. Based upon my rough gathering of empirical evidence, approximately 99.9999999999999999999% of personalised license plates are evidence of rampant douchebaggery, or at the very least are incredibly lame. There are exceptions, but not many.

Just outside the office building in which I am incarcerated daily there is a horseshoe driveway allowing access for FedEx trucks and the like. It is also used by people to park their cars and race into Starbucks and/or FedEx Kinko's, despite the "no standing" signs everywhere. In an effort to combat this standing menace a tow truck routinely patrols the premises, ensnaring any citizen's car unlucky enough to be unprotected during the truck's rounds. The tow truck driver's favourite gambit is to begin making off with its prey just as the unsuspecting driver races up to protest. At this stage a dance of extortion commences, with the tow truck driver releasing its unwilling cargo for an on-the-spot fee. As a counter-gambit, cars that dare to thumb their nose at the imperious signs huddle together, bumper to bumper, protecting all but the cars at the head or tail of the queue. This reminds me of large beasts on the Serengeti, huddling together to try and protect themselves from the approach of a wily predator.

This morning as I stepped out of my corporate prison for my daily exercise, I noticed a single car huddling behind a delivery truck, as it's owner embarked on some mundane chore. The car in question? A dark blue Jaguar, with the personalised license plate "HARVARD". Almost giddy with excitement I staked out the scene, wondering if the person who dared to display the equivalent of a "KICK ME" sign on their car would be caught out by the tow truck. Normally I feel sorry for those who fall afoul of the tow truck's car-thirst, but this time my feelings were purely aligned with the aggressor.

Unfortunately my hopes were dashed when the owner of the douchemobile returned to his vehicle, fleeing the scene before his natural enemy (well, one that didn't go to Yale) appeared. Disappointed, I plodded back into my jail, exercise time over.

I bet Mr "HARVARD" is still a douche, though. His time will come.

Cinco de Hoyo

2008-05-06T09:41:00.002-05:00

As mentioned yesterday, I was able to indulge myself in the fine Mexican tradition of drinking Coronas, Dos Equis, and play Tiger Woods 08 on the Wii (strictly speaking I think the tradition is playing a golf game, or at least the Tiger Woods game available in the year of that particular Cinco de Mayo, but we're getting pedantic here). Alternating crushing drives and crushing bottles of beer, I was doing nicely. Sure I had to stoop to using lemon juice rather than actual lemons or limes to accent my beer, but I chose not to get hung up on such compromises. It was the spirit of the thing.

As 10pm approached I was prodded into jumping into the Hoy. I've been scarce in blogger tournaments, and indeed haven't been playing much poker at all. Between work and other concerns I just haven't had the psychic capital to devote to chips and cards. But hey, I was getting hammered on Mexican beer, with no intent of stopping. Why not a little hot and heavy 6-max action?

I was reasonably confident that between wandering back and forth between my couch and my fridge, pouring lemon juice into my beers, and keeping an eye on Hornets/Spurs, that I wouldn't do too much in the tournament. I was fortunate in the first hour to have someone slowplay Aces and allow me to catch a set on the turn, and then have them pay me off. After that I have basically no idea what I did, as I wasn't paying close enough attention, though I remember crippling Lucko at one point. Eventually I lost a couple of big coinflips, got lucky when in push and pray mode, and then went out after getting my money in way ahead, so I least I got that going for me, which is nice. I think I went out in 14th or something, which amusingly is pretty much where I tended to be going out when I was playing BBT3 events regularly. Nice to see I'm consistent!

After that I watched some more of the action, before deciding that it was time to pass out. I'm doubtful of my getting into many more BBT3 events before the whole shebang finishes up, and not sure how regularly I am going to be playing poker in the short term. Hopefully once I get a handle on my workload I'll find more time for cards. The jury is still out on going to Vegas for the Triple Draw WSOP event, I guess I'll have to decide on that sooner or later.

In the mean time, you'll find me on the (virtual) golf course. Sporting stupid sunglasses. But you knew that already.

It's Cinco de Mayo?!

2008-05-05T15:34:00.002-05:00

This is what happens when work is busy kicking your arse: you don't realise that today is a perfect excuse for drinking. I love Cinco de Mayo, one of the "holidays" I was completely unaware of prior to my move to North America. Guess it's time to hit the liquor store on the way home for Corona/Dos Equis/some other Mexican beer, plus possibly some tequila.

Playing drunken Wii golf is a Mexican tradition, right?